A Victim Soul's Ouch

This is about as close a connection, photo-wise, I can make to my spine. Have to admit that about now I'm looking back over the last couple of years and realize the pain has just crept up on me and wrapped its limbs around me.

Yes, had the severe pain sieges as I have had for years, come and grab me from behind and throw me into bed and nearly out of my head with agony. But I'd get better and keep going, simply keep going.

Now, for a couple of weeks, the body was tossed into bed and mind out of it with pain, and as in the six weeks around Christmas, big black-outs with some details poking out, sort of like the little twig-tips that stick out from this Weeping Purple Fountain Beech.

But this time I could not pull out and force up and out and even to Mass. Nope. And had to take pain meds on regular regimen, and couldn't even get to my doctor in nearby town. So a friend recommended her GP and drove me the five-max miles. And he didn't know me, and the pain was so bad I couldn't even focus to do a good job of communicating, however, I still function and probably look far better than I am. My friend did say this time it showed in my face and eyes.

The doctor gave me some meds that had awful side effects and are 38% effective with people with fibromyalgia. Not wanting to be non-compliant to some other ideas he had, I tried these as he gave me samples. Bad idea. For one thing, I don't have fibromyalgia, and the side effects, for another thing, are the PITS. I lasted out these nasty pills three days but in the meantime awoke one morning being able to focus and think, and knew the pain was too much in the upper back to be "normal" for me, which is far from normal after all these years of constant suffering. So I called and said, "You guys don't know me, and I don't know you, but I can tell you this is not like me--not like me to have to take so much strong pain med, and not like me to have this high a degree of pain in upper back, and not like me to not be able to cope with it. And I can't this time. So I think I really do need a scan of the upper back."

That worked. They took an MRI that afternoon. A friend suggested I ask for a Medrol dose pack (prednisone), and with wan hope I got that and took it, and it did seem to ease the thing a bit, but not enough to function. But I was grateful and still hoped it would just be muscles over-used. But the MRI results were mine to peruse on Monday last, and in the meantime this new GP wanted me to get a work up from a pain spec. So a friend carted me to that doctor Tuesday a.m., and the tech mostly saw me, asked the questions I've answered for years, but did so patiently as she didn't know my history. The doctor came in after seeing my MRI, and asked which doctor I wanted to be referred to, and I said which of the two he named. The pain doc is one that I'll not go back to see, anyway, as he was sadly and unmistakenly RUDE in the three or four minutes we were in proximity. Amazing how rude a person can be in three statements. I did not react to him, though, and left him on a cheery note. And am praying for him now and then, for dear friends, this is why we encounter people who are rude or otherwise not resonating well: We are supposed to pray for them, and if they are praying people, we can pray they pray for us. All peace on earth. All PEACE on EARTH. Forevermore. But if I ever have to go to a pain specialist again for any reason, which is unlikely, it will not be this one. Prudence.

So I have been in bed, on sofa, and toddling about my little place here, able to be up not many minutes and only if medicated. A couple of friends have checked in via phone and brought in the few supplies needed. Amazing how very little we need of the commercial world, truly. Every couple of days or so I test the stamina and pain level and walk to the mailbox at the end of my very short drive. I did so this morning, as I also tried the grand experiment of no pain med upon waking, with hopes this thing is not so bad, after all. But it is bad, and I ended up having to take more than usual pain med plus a strong muscle relaxant, not that it is a muscle problem. My doctor in the nearby town had given me these in December in case I had a siege I could not handle, and these would help along with the pain meds, to give me a home-KO [knock-out, for non-boxer fans, of which I am a non but know the term].

Tomorrow morning I am being driven to the neurosurgeon, another 5 max-mile journey, and my friend advised me to take pain pills prior. Well, yes. I learned my lesson this morning.

And all this to say again to anyone who has read my blogs, that I am so very sorry for any of the ups and downs, any grumpiness, any less-than-gracious writing. It is the PAIN. It is the PAIN. I have been trying to function, increasingly less and less, with too much PAIN. And now I know the reason and cause, and am praying it can be remedied, at least to get me back to the otherwise low spine PAIN that has been my lot in life for nearly 26 years, and ever will be. Nothing more to be done with that. Had more than plenty done already.

And this morning the mailbox yielded a book I'd ordered awhile back, and has been sitting in the mailbox a couple days until I could gut it out to fetch it. The Cross and the Joy: Marthe Robin. Not a huge book, but a book about a 20th century victim soul who lived and died in France. Might report here, or on my web page. Am having some issues uploading the blogs on my web site, so the high school senior computer genius is working on that snafu as I write, from his home yonder 30 miles or so.

The good news is that he did write a program that will block a few blugs who have been far too interested in what I write on these blogs. He could write a program to block them from these, but I said the main thing is to protect the web site from unnecessary intrusion, as well as to protect the blugs from even more seemingly obsessive log-ons and unnecessary fixation and detraction.

Amidst all these little details of daily life, I am praying for the faith and courage to suffer with great belief that somehow, even in my human imperfections, the Lord is utilizing all this pain for His glory, for souls, for my soul, too. Especially for the people I am shown to pray for, the people who are rude without realizing, or who have opposing viewpoints and can't quite seem to accept that they have opposing viewpoints and it is all right to have opposing viewpoints, and people who are in major need such as the souls in Haiti, Chile, and elsewhere with extreme pain and injuries, no meds, no doctors, no friends with cars to drive them to doctors, and no possibility of getting their ailments repaired.

All this extreme pain is a very good reminder that victim souls' pain is very real, very painful, and yet one must keep a sense of humor, have compassion, be forgiving, prayerful, and also comprehend and teach others to comprehend, that victim souls are very, very human.

God bless all of you who are suffering, and pray for me, please, for this Lenten Purge to do its work, and for me to pray and cooperate with God in this suffering, and to offer it all for Him and for souls.