Victim Soul Vocation Confirmed

Yesterday I met with my spiritual director.  He has many years as prelate and vast experience in the spiritual life.  I am blessed by God to have him be the earthly guide and guardian of my soul.

After much prayer and discernment on his part of what I have long sensed and acted upon the inner knowing of what seems to be a dual vocation of victim soul and hermit, my spiritual director affirmed that I am a victim soul.  He said it is quite beautiful.

At home, I had physical and emotional reaction.  My body realized how tired it is, and my mind was weary.  The emotions became intense, burning, with flames fanned by some key memories of two incidents in adolescence in which I knew something of my destiny but not in particulars--but had made an intense commitment of what I would do, without knowing what that would be, for God.

Those memories, along with the confirmation of victim soul vocation, coming from this venerable bishop, coupled with some powerful dreams of the past week, brought up an overflow of yet more emotion which drained the body and mind so the soul could absorb at some level subconsciously, the reality of what this means.

I share this for the benefit of those who have read these blogs and questioned the credibility and/or validity of the vocation of victim soul, and for those who have been concerned and wrote elsewhere detraction of what I have written in these blogs, concerning the vocation of victim soul in the Church historically and today, as well as the viability of the vocation for those who God calls either prior to their making an offering or later on, fulfilling their offering to do something for God not yet knowing what that was going to be.

God bless His Real Presence in you.

Hermit Survey Indicator Results Found at....

The current results from the initial Real Hermit survey may be found by going to: http://christinthepresentmoment.blogspot.com/2011/01/perceptions-indicators-from-hermit.html

There may be another survey, a replication of the first, with better response mode offered.

New Project

Have moved beyond hermit label, beyond perhaps even recluse or anchorite, moved beyond victim soul label. Am devoting the present moment and whatever moments left with life on earth to the project of getting to know Christ all the more in the present moment, as well as climbing the stairway to heaven.

A new blog expresses the implementation of the Order of the Present Moment, hopefully climbing with Christ in the present moment...http://christinthepresentmoment.blogspot.com/

An adjunct blog expresses the preface, introduction and structure of the Order of the Present Moment, with the hope finding and climbing the Stairway to Heaven. It is a finite blog, meaning there will come a time when the rationale given for this spiritual order, the structure written, revised, and finished. But it is in process, all the same...http://orderofthepresentmoment.blogspot.com/

Not that the writing is outstanding or the content relevant to any other souls, I am willing to share the thoughts and my attempt to live out the Order of the Present Moment, all for God, within the God-given circumstances of my life.

The project seems a culmination of the journey thus far, and it is beyond personal vocational labels, as mentioned above, and will express the turning more of the soul to Christ. Already there is a post that may still be a loose end from the temporal, yet those moments do occur in every day life, and will continue to occur. The point is to begin climbing the stairway to heaven, and living more in Christ, with His view, moment by moment.

Anyone stumbling upon this post is welcome to read the ones referred to, or not. The writing is personal, hopefully devotional or meditative, or will stimulate ideas for others' adaptation, or not. I welcome comments but will edit those that are inappropriate. Fair enough.

Amazing Grace of Pain

Haven't checked in for awhile. Have noticed some curious have arrived at the victim soul site, intrigued by another site intent on trying to make a vow of suffering into an unhealthy devotion. Some friends researched the group doing it, and report they are an extremist fringe who evidently are not aware of the many victim souls of the Church throughout history. So we pray for enlightenment for all Catholics. It has been amazing in the nearly 15 years now, of the life-long Catholics who have never heard of Padre Pio, for example. I owe a debt of gratitude for a Catholic women giving me a book on victim souls which helped me in the conversion process.

So, regardless of visitors to the site, only a small percentage of this group and in prayer that their reading will help inform them more positively, on a personal note the pain has deepened. This past week has been severe. Today I must literally force my body out to prune roses before the heat spikes. Much of a victim soul's existence depends upon grace and faith--plus learning to make acts of the will. Realized upon awakening that last evening, returning from Mass and turning right at a stoplight, that I had a thought that I should have turned left, gone to Walmart to pick up a med refill. But did not consider it for what it was--a good nudge from my angel. Now I must go today, for I need the meds by evening, and I do not like to, and have striven not to, go into stores on the day reserved for God alone. Now this short trip today will be offered to God alone, and in apologies to my angel and also in humility that a reason I did not make the effort to turn around was also a very conscious thought that I was worn out! I saw all the traffic, and I was already in the right turn lane, and the body and mind did not think it could deal with Saturday evening packed parking lot and store.

Acts of the will counter what the body and mind desire or think, however. May God forgive me. Yes, He will. But the roses are past due for attention, and the body has been inside all week other than finally able to get to confession and Mass. The body must get out to prune, which any gardener will know is not work but is spiritual delight and instruction.

Have been working on the project for Holy Mother Church. Today also will write. What a friend shared the other day when he and his wife visited, concerned the artist's perception and terms of the negative and positive spaces in paintings and photography. Did some research, and came across the term "ma" space. It fits in well with where I need to be. It is past due, and that is the stairway to heaven. Two years ago this month my angel said and led me to it, yet have I stepped the first step?
No. The only other showing has been like huge cardboard taped across the stairway, at the base, with only the top cardboard flopped down 18 inches or so. Even a cardboard barrier is a barrier.

Will be meeting with the B. this week for spiritual direction, God willing. Am concerned due to a dream, but am praying for verification. It has to do with the matter of a possible health issue, not mine. Yet am praying. What do do if anything? But first, verification from God.

We continue on with acts of the will, but the strength of these seems to depend upon the depth of faith and the awareness of and utilization of graces. Perhaps in prayer while pruning, each snip, relieving the roses of heaviness and drain of spent blooms, can be an awakening to obstacles, and a snipping of the taped cardboard barring entrance upon the stairway to heaven.

Somehow the bloom of Iris 'Louisiana Babcock' seems to capture the point of pain with its deep purple woundedness, reminiscent of Christ's humility and shame when robed in purple. Yes, the pain of humiliation is something for a victim soul to ponder, for it is a good pain, star quality pain, and to grab ahold of the bits of gold, reminders of the crown to be won, a crown won for souls. That is a main point of suffering, of offering the suffering: for souls. Souls hard-won for Christ and His Body which is the Church.

Graceful Suffering

My longtime childhood friend-through-adulthood suffers from Epstein Bar Virus and various consequential health problems as a result. While we are over 2000 miles apart, the friendship grows faithfully with the years. This tree is her tree, the one that I have dedicated to her life and efforts.

The tree is called "Miss Grace" and is a dwarf cultivar of the Dawn Redwood. Slow growing, remains diminutive, and is ever so graceful. Refreshes the gardens even on tremendously hot days.

I wonder if suffering can be viewed, termed, "graceful"? I believe so. But to actually suffer gracefully is something I have not mastered. I pray for the graces to suffer gracefully.

Part of what I emptied out in the tomb room of confession the other day, was that I do not suffer gracefully, not well, but at least with the most recent serious pain siege, I only had contact with my confessor, my long time friend, and a recent, lovely, new friend from the Cathedral.

I told the confessor that although I have offered the suffering for the priests of the Diocese and various other intentions, that I never anticipated that the suffering would become so severe, so intense, to the point that it feels at times like some sort of psychotic break is occurring, not that I've ever had a psychotic break. But I've read about them in my degree coursework in clinical psych. What I experience is pain so severe that the mind can no longer cope with it, and so the mind goes elsewhere, and the body remains with the pain.

Well, that is not an apt description, either. Perhaps this: I look out with my eyes, but all seems as if I am looking in on some place where I am not. Even when I look out upon the beautiful gardens, it seems as if I'm viewing from some other dimension. When the pain climbs to a level in which the strong pain meds do not handle it, the mind, the psyche, perhaps even the soul, elevates to some other vantage point, yet all is within the body, remains connected in some way. Obviously, for I remain alive.

But is a person graceful when suffering? We must look to Christ for this answer. Was He graceful in His suffering?

Yes. He remained passive, patient and gentle. He spoke to His Father, His mother, His close friend St. John the Apostle. We don't know from Scripture if He spoke to Simon of Cyrene who helped carry the cross, but if He did, we can assume He said "thank you" and probably more. He spoke to the thief hanging on a cross near him, a fellow sufferer. He spoke words of promise and hope. He spoke of a physical need or sensation, that He thirsted. It has been said that He thirsted for souls, but also His body thirsted, yet He did not drink what was offered, the vinegar and gall. But He remained graceful all through His suffering.

Another Lone Bird

Am reading Sigrid Undset's St. Catherine of Siena. Like to read bios of saints near their feast days. St. Catherine is coming up this Thursday, April 29.

She certainly was a lone and perhaps odd bird for her times, and would be for ours, as well. I like her. I love her, in fact.

I can assure you that suffering is not easy, as many of you well know. Sometimes we are called upon to do God's will which might seem quite unorthodox to many, and the spawn of gossip, slander, misjudging and wrongful opinions.

Sometimes Jesus plucks us out of situations for our own protection, and maybe more for the protection of others--to keep them from their wrong opinions and misjudgments of other people.

St. Catherine of Siena certainly had her fair share of all that and more, from her family, friends, and strangers. Sigred Undset's bio is particularly fascinating given the author's expertise on the Middle Age culture and society and gender.

St. Catherine suffered tremendously as a victim soul. She also was called upon to speak up in her era to Church authorities, including, remarkably, to chastise the Pope. But a hunk of her life was lived in solitude within her own family home, treated much like a slave for a portion of her persecuted life.

Am still mulling over whether to post the web site address here and on the Catholic Hermit blog, partly to see if the young computer guru's block is successful to the ne'er-do-well blugs, but the desire for having that site be a deeper expression of the spiritual life supersedes finding out if young John's computer block works. Having freedom to write without misjudgment, wrongful opinions, and harassment approaches serenity.

But I do know how reactionary writing becomes a drag and ineffective. I just de-bookmarked a blog today, that I occasionally would read, due to it's being for the most part reactionary writing, as well as welcoming comments that are reactionary, judgmental, and filled with opinions that leave much to be desired.

Back to bed and to reading that which elevates. Thanks to Sigrid Undset and other fine writers! I honor them and am grateful, and someday hope to be a writer who elevates, which is more possible when writing from the heart, in prayer, and in private.

Suffering: Outside-the-Walls

I continue to pray to love suffering, to embrace it and consider myself very blessed to be given so much, and to pray for closeness to Christ and distance from all that is not Christ. I guess that would be sin that I must avoid, and it can come in little things, in a way, the little distractions. Maybe the gardens and ducks that were checking out a place for a nest, help more remind me of simplicity and goodness, or the simple pots.

I seem to be like St. Paul Outside-the-Walls--that beautiful church in St. Paul's honor, built where his head was chopped off and bounced three times, which at the time was built outside the walls of Rome, yet today of course is quite in the city, since Rome grew far beyond the initial "walls".