Thursday, June 07, 2007

Sacrifice of Praise

This comes from Hebrews. It is also in the Psalms. Offer to God a sacrifice of praise--this is what He wants more than holocausts.

My sacrifice of praise is the holocaust of my love for Him: the suffering which conforms me to Christ, which places me in Christ, in Christo.

The energy seems depleted from my body. The wind whips outside but otherwise the heat saps any motivation to go out and try to move about. I must water the bushes and trees in their containers, but I've been resting in bed, reading then dozing.

I am not sure why I have so little energy other than it is from pain. I eat in order to try to gain energy: rice, tuna with celery, almonds and raisins, fruit. I take vitamins and an extra iron pill, plus fish oil and calcium. I take over the counter pain reducers. I drank coffee in the morning and tea at noon. But still I am drained like over-cooked spaghetti lying limp in a sieve.

Night can come not too soon.

Is it the intense quiet and solitude, I wonder? The facing of and accepting not being in the world? A kind of waiting to die? Perhaps it is a combination of mystical suffering and physical pain which makes one so weary. Yet I have much to ponder: the life and virtues of Mary, the sorrows of the world, the hermit life, Jesus' desires for my soul, prayers for others, and the actual experience of unmitigating pain.

Love to suffer; suffer to love. I am practicing resting in this suffering and not pushing to "do." God chooses all He desires for my body and soul. When and if He desires more energy in this body, He will grant me the grace and motivation to move about more and more, or not.

To adore Him is to offer this suffering, the slowness of suffering, and the dying to the world and distractions, for love of Him as a sacrifice of praise.


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