Sunday, September 09, 2007

Humility and Misunderstanding in Suffering

The pain rises, and yet the outer does not show how severe. The body is wrung out, and the mind cannot function all that well, or maybe more it is the emotions.

It is a time in which much encouragement is needed, but there is only silence thus far. Reading Bl. Charles de Foucald's meditations go into the brain and seem to come back out, shoved out by shrieking nerve pain traveling from hip to shin.

It is a new pain, recent, and from a normal cause: tight squeeze on an airplane trip. Well, it has been around for five months. Finally called a chiropractor, for a hip adjustment would unhinge the pinching, but no adjustment is possible due to rods in the back.

This is newer suffering that needs to be embraced as part of the family of pain already in the body and emotions.

The siege has gone on for two months, maybe more, and today it was time to stop most activity. That does not help the hip, though, for it is activity that keeps it stretched out. No exercises on the floor have been able to do what gardening does, somehow. But the body is worn out and the mind and emotions are drained.

People do not understand except the old, long-time friends who at least know that I have tried everything medically possible. I could really use a break such as in a high dosage demoral injection laced with vistiril, but I'm not sure finding someone to take me to the ER and then paying all the high prices, and then probably not getting the high dose that works, is worth it.

Today, for the first time, I am not pushing myself to drive to Mass. I am in my pajamas for the day, and I am trying to remain as positive as possible.

God is showing me how alone it can be, how much misunderstood is suffering by others who do not comprehend. I am reminded by the man who delivered the trees to be planted, and he said that he wished everyone could experience back pain just once in their lives.

I do not wish this. I do not wish anyone to experience it for an hour. But today I did think if my Bishop and Vicar General could experience it for a minute, then perhaps they would understand why it seems I have therapeutic needs! But no, God wills and ordains that they do not know, and that I suffer the effects of that, as well.

It is humbling, all this pain, and looking so fine, being able to fake it, which is actually the best way to be seen by most. Otherwise, one becomes a symbol of complaint and self-pity, even though one is not.

A priest told me I should read in St. Benedict's Rule about negativity. I have not located the section so wonder if it is in St. Bernard's writings. The St. Benedict medal fends off negativity, and thanks be to God I wear one always with my scapular, around my neck. How much worse would I be without? Thanks be to God for sacramentals!

My cousin called, and we chatted. She listened to my pain litany, and then I listened to news of her hurting her knees in a fall. Thanks be to God again that I could help her with what would help the swelling and ease the pain. She reminded me that I have so much to offer others.

People who suffer must remember that we do have much to offer, through our suffering, for others, in prayer. While there is no paycheck, no distraction, often no people about, it is good work. Humbling but good work.


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