"Why Is My Pain Continuous?"

"Why is my pain continuous, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? You have indeed become for me a treacherous brook, whose waters do not abide!"

"Thus the Lord answered me: 'If you repent, so that I restore you, in my presence you shall stand; If you bring forth the precious without the vile, you shall be my mouthpiece. Then it shall be they who turn to you, and you shall not turn to them; and I will make you toward this people a solid wall of brass. Though they fight against you, they shall not prevail, for I am with you, to deliver and rescue you, says the Lord.'"

So here we have it, from Jeremiah 15: 18-20. It spoke to me this morning at Mass. Nearly could not get to Mass, so heavy the spirit hovering from the early hours, and yesterday. The Chinese Yew (pictured from the Mary Gardens, backdropped by yellow yarrow) is like the Lord's backbone giving strength to Jeremiah's.

Pondered these words of Jeremiah and the Lord, and realized must go to confession--again. All the sins must be repented, for the Lord desires to restore me, to have me stand in His presence, to speak what He wills. And He will bring others, not me to them. And yes, the pain is continuous, and the woundedness without cure. These thoughts found expression to the priest.

And he understood! Yes, he did! He understood the heaviness that comes from night work, as well as the sensations at times, in the day. I wanted to not have these, as the seeming collapses were recalled, back to youth. Why? It seems I should be able to be consistent, to suffer more joyfully, to not be at times so spent, and then suddenly so rejuvenated.

He explained, after I mentioned some of the sensations and souls, that I did not choose, but the Lord brought these aspects. Yes, and I added that I have agreed. I willingly agreed. So he said the seeming ups and downs are part of the suffering, that the Lord allows the sensation of the pain and the sorrows, the sufferings, of others, of souls living and dead, known and unknown, friend and foe--to be felt, to be prayed for, to have their sufferings alleviated.

So when I pray for the Bishop, or the Vicar General, or some soul brought in from the past to the present, unbidden souls but there appearing--or they are brought and then I pray, either way--the body and spirit are affected accordingly, yet in a hidden manner. At that moment, the others are uplifted, or encouraged, or pain lessened; and mine increases.

I guess I knew that at some level, but now it is affirmed again in the conscious, and so am relieved of concern of the seeming ups and downs, the times of being totally, physically or spiritually "spent". The Lord is utilizing the body and soul, the mind and the heart. So be it.

And the angels and saints come in to assist, and they are called upon at times, but other times they are sent. Like Hildegarde yesterday, and Bl. Ossana of Mantua, and others unknown. My mother and father, my dear angel Beth. One must be willing to suffer and willing to receive, also, the assistance in that suffering. The suffering often comes in kind with the prayer--even a glance-prayer at the image of a soul brought to the inner sight.

Then, one must not be discouraged or distracted by the sensations or weight that comes, for it is not going to cause a dent. The Lord has made the one as a brass wall.

But I must repent, always, and He will restore me and stand me in His presence. And, in His own way and time, I will be His mouthpiece, for however He desires and wills, or not. Sometimes it is silence He desires, perhaps mostly silence.

And He brings the people, they shall turn to me and not me not turn to them. He brings the souls without my seeking them out. And these souls are more likely ones incorporeal. These can come more often, without such encumbrance and effort. They turn to me for assistance in their needs, and it is then that I must pray and suffer and love, and love to suffer and pray for them in whatever is shown or not shown to me. Just the thought, the glimpse, even of those from the past, those known but forgotten, those unknown as well--all may come as the Lord wills. When, how, why, which ones, for how long--all that is the Lord's prerogative.

And the evil ones can come, the devils; but though they fight against, they do not prevail. If there are sore spots upon awakening, or sufferings during the day, it is these and the people who fight against me. If suddenly I am refreshed, it is the Lord delivering and rescuing me.

The pain is continuous, and it seems the wound is never cured, refusing to be healed. It is the wounds of Christ, for I am in His wounds. His wounds are powerfully gentle, strong, and filled with more love than any love gathered from all the holy souls of infinite fathom.

It is the love, then, that is continuous, and in my imperfect being, the suffering seems to rise and fall in accordance to the love proffered souls, and not discounting the human body's temporal fluctuations. But the soul stands steady, for the Lord has made it a solid wall of brass.

[Just finished 7 wheelbarrows of penitential mulch, plus spread seven others. The Chinese Yew can also be my spine leaning up against the Word-made-flesh spine. Thanks be to God for a renewed level of energy, enough to proceed with the tasks at Agnus Dei today.]

[To the dear one who has been accepted as an extern in a cloistered convent, but whose priest friend has advised not to go but to remain privately as a victim soul, is this priest friend your spiritual director or confessor? If so, then obedience should preclude any thoughts, wishes, or regrets of not going to the cloister. If he is only giving his opinion, then ask him to ascertain if it is his opinion and not a point of obedience. Then, if not, you may as well go and find out if it is the Lord's will, for the Lord will block the passage if it is not His will. But for a priest to say it is not for you and not advised, that you would not be content there, and that your life as victim soul should be lived out where you are--that is something to be heeded if it is a point of official direction. If you truly are a victim soul, then would you be able to fulfill the duties as an extern to the degree that others would then be dependent upon your work? I am praying for you to find out the answers, as this has been weighing upon you for some time. Ask the question of the priest, and then go or remain according to his answer. The vacillation of wondering and wishing and regret is one of those sideways crosses that we create in our own situations, don't you think? I have done this many times over, and it hinders the Lord's free movement in our souls--yet is always a good experience to learn the truth of vacillations. God bless your discernment and decision!]