Saturday, January 12, 2008

How Did Fear and Terror Gain Entrance to the Sacred Heart?

Fear is a suffering. I am trying to offer up the terror that grips me off and on and mostly on, to God. I know what I fear: my neighbor woman's volatility. Once a letter is published, that defends me but also takes swings at what they did in their letter that was published, I fear retaliation. This is how it goes in life.

Yes, people can say one must stand up to it, must not let these people get away with these things. But now my life is going to be even more vulnerable. What do I care what others think, if they think I did terrible things?

So now I am in even more terror of the unknown outcome. I am going through in my mind all the good that can happen, such as the paper not printing things again without checking, but it seems they have alreadly learned the lesson, prior to the paper coming out with the defense and offense letter. As for other neighbors, isn't my life here pretty much gone as far as being comfortable, in haivng to live next to people who the detective has warned now? And who told me I must stay as far away as possible from them?

So in my mind I go through the worst case scenario. She could shoot me. Someone could come in and beat me--some person who now will read that I live alone and am older and in constant pain. So I also go through how this would be, to be shot, to be beaten, to have a violent death. I never anticipated a violent death. It is a good exercise in ultilmate detachment. I think about all the people who have and will have violent deaths. I practice in my mind being calm, being loving, being forgiving should this situation arise.

While I tell a friend that I feel so sorry for the neighbor, for surely she is quite ill (and there is evil involved, which is probably behind the fear all the more), the friend says that it doesn't mean I shouldn't stand up to the wrongs that were done, and have the wrongs exposed and righted, and that what the paper did was wrong. Well, newspapers do lots of wrong things! I wonder if these friends who are outraged and want something done, would do anything themselves? This friend said that in these situations, people often skirt around the outer rim and don't want to get involved.

Thus far, only my adult son did something, and what he did might have very definite results. He is not fearful, for this is his line of work, exposing scams and scums in the press. But it is now close to home, like 12 feet away, and I am a coward!

The confessor said that being cowardly is not a sin.

Perhaps not, but it seems to indicate a lack of trust in God. Is that not sinful?

So, this fear and terror is quite a suffering, and it is even so just as a suffering of the fear of unknowns, and fear based upon gut instincts of people who are scary types.

One must offer these sufferings of fear and terror to God. One must try to do good in what time might remain, for this is how one must always exist. So this morning the wriitng will cease, and the floors will be swept, a bath taken, water readied for the orchids, maybe mending if time before noon Mass. Pray while doing these tasks, and embrace love as much as possible.

How did fear and terror get into the genderless soul in nothingness, nesting within the Sacred Heart?

2 Comments:

Blogger Chez Moi said...

I am still praying for you, your situation and your neighbor. I've been devoting parts of my bedtime rosary for you and will continue to do so. Will also be praying @ 4:30pm Mass today.

7:10 AM  
Blogger zenith said...

Dear Chez Moi, I count on these prayers of yours and know that they are helping beyond words but in God's love and omnipotence. Thank you so much! I still offer all this "growth situation" for you and a couple others who have asked for prayers, who read a blog or two now and then. The terror has abated, and I will simply wait for this to pass, and to deal with however they may or may not react. Normal people would accept the hard-hitting response to what they did, as just consequences for their actions to begin with. But, we are not dealing with normalcy, sadly. But God is doing something through all this, and He will bring good in some way, even if we don't see it.

I have not been able to do anything but hold the rosary in the night and repeat a line or two of the Divine Mercy. But a friend who suffers with relationships, and so forth, e-mailed something she read from St. Francis de Sales on prayer:

The reading in Francis de Sales today is again to Jane and
again about prayer. He says to "place" ourselves in the
presence of God, and then to "keep" ourselves there. We
can keep ourselves there by 1.looking at something, 2.by
speaking to God, or 3.by just staying like a statue in a
niche. He compares this to Magdalen when without speaking,
without moving, and perhaps without even looking at Him,
she listened to what our Lord said, seated at his feet....

Finally he says, Let us not set ourselves to consider too
exactly what we do for His love, provided we know that we
will do nothing but for His love.

4:16 PM  

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