Victim Souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Victim Soul Vocation Confirmed

2011-10-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I met with my spiritual director. He has many years as prelate and vast experience in the spiritual life. I am blessed by God to have him be the earthly guide and guardian of my soul.

After much prayer and discernment on his part of what I have long sensed and acted upon the inner knowing of what seems to be a dual vocation of victim soul and hermit, my spiritual director affirmed that I am a victim soul. He said it is quite beautiful.

At home, I had physical and emotional reaction. My body realized how tired it is, and my mind was weary. The emotions became intense, burning, with flames fanned by some key memories of two incidents in adolescence in which I knew something of my destiny but not in particulars--but had made an intense commitment of what I would do, without knowing what that would be, for God.

Those memories, along with the confirmation of victim soul vocation, coming from this venerable bishop, coupled with some powerful dreams of the past week, brought up an overflow of yet more emotion which drained the body and mind so the soul could absorb at some level subconsciously, the reality of what this means.

I share this for the benefit of those who have read these blogs and questioned the credibility and/or validity of the vocation of victim soul, and for those who have been concerned and wrote elsewhere detraction of what I have written in these blogs, concerning the vocation of victim soul in the Church historically and today, as well as the viability of the vocation for those who God calls either prior to their making an offering or later on, fulfilling their offering to do something for God not yet knowing what that was going to be.

God bless His Real Presence in you.

Hermit Survey Indicator Results Found at....

2011-01-04T15:03:00.001-08:00

The current results from the initial Real Hermit survey may be found by going to: http://christinthepresentmoment.blogspot.com/2011/01/perceptions-indicators-from-hermit.html

There may be another survey, a replication of the first, with better response mode offered.

New Project

2010-09-23T06:44:00.001-07:00

Have moved beyond hermit label, beyond perhaps even recluse or anchorite, moved beyond victim soul label. Am devoting the present moment and whatever moments left with life on earth to the project of getting to know Christ all the more in the present moment, as well as climbing the stairway to heaven.

A new blog expresses the implementation of the Order of the Present Moment, hopefully climbing with Christ in the present moment...http://christinthepresentmoment.blogspot.com/

An adjunct blog expresses the preface, introduction and structure of the Order of the Present Moment, with the hope finding and climbing the Stairway to Heaven. It is a finite blog, meaning there will come a time when the rationale given for this spiritual order, the structure written, revised, and finished. But it is in process, all the same...http://orderofthepresentmoment.blogspot.com/

Not that the writing is outstanding or the content relevant to any other souls, I am willing to share the thoughts and my attempt to live out the Order of the Present Moment, all for God, within the God-given circumstances of my life.

The project seems a culmination of the journey thus far, and it is beyond personal vocational labels, as mentioned above, and will express the turning more of the soul to Christ. Already there is a post that may still be a loose end from the temporal, yet those moments do occur in every day life, and will continue to occur. The point is to begin climbing the stairway to heaven, and living more in Christ, with His view, moment by moment.

Anyone stumbling upon this post is welcome to read the ones referred to, or not. The writing is personal, hopefully devotional or meditative, or will stimulate ideas for others' adaptation, or not. I welcome comments but will edit those that are inappropriate. Fair enough.

Amazing Grace of Pain

2010-08-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

Haven't checked in for awhile. Have noticed some curious have arrived at the victim soul site, intrigued by another site intent on trying to make a vow of suffering into an unhealthy devotion. Some friends researched the group doing it, and report they are an extremist fringe who evidently are not aware of the many victim souls of the Church throughout history. So we pray for enlightenment for all Catholics. It has been amazing in the nearly 15 years now, of the life-long Catholics who have never heard of Padre Pio, for example. I owe a debt of gratitude for a Catholic women giving me a book on victim souls which helped me in the conversion process.

So, regardless of visitors to the site, only a small percentage of this group and in prayer that their reading will help inform them more positively, on a personal note the pain has deepened. This past week has been severe. Today I must literally force my body out to prune roses before the heat spikes. Much of a victim soul's existence depends upon grace and faith--plus learning to make acts of the will. Realized upon awakening that last evening, returning from Mass and turning right at a stoplight, that I had a thought that I should have turned left, gone to Walmart to pick up a med refill. But did not consider it for what it was--a good nudge from my angel. Now I must go today, for I need the meds by evening, and I do not like to, and have striven not to, go into stores on the day reserved for God alone. Now this short trip today will be offered to God alone, and in apologies to my angel and also in humility that a reason I did not make the effort to turn around was also a very conscious thought that I was worn out! I saw all the traffic, and I was already in the right turn lane, and the body and mind did not think it could deal with Saturday evening packed parking lot and store.

Acts of the will counter what the body and mind desire or think, however. May God forgive me. Yes, He will. But the roses are past due for attention, and the body has been inside all week other than finally able to get to confession and Mass. The body must get out to prune, which any gardener will know is not work but is spiritual delight and instruction.

Have been working on the project for Holy Mother Church. Today also will write. What a friend shared the other day when he and his wife visited, concerned the artist's perception and terms of the negative and positive spaces in paintings and photography. Did some research, and came across the term "ma" space. It fits in well with where I need to be. It is past due, and that is the stairway to heaven. Two years ago this month my angel said and led me to it, yet have I stepped the first step?
No. The only other showing has been like huge cardboard taped across the stairway, at the base, with only the top cardboard flopped down 18 inches or so. Even a cardboard barrier is a barrier.

Will be meeting with the B. this week for spiritual direction, God willing. Am concerned due to a dream, but am praying for verification. It has to do with the matter of a possible health issue, not mine. Yet am praying. What do do if anything? But first, verification from God.

We continue on with acts of the will, but the strength of these seems to depend upon the depth of faith and the awareness of and utilization of graces. Perhaps in prayer while pruning, each snip, relieving the roses of heaviness and drain of spent blooms, can be an awakening to obstacles, and a snipping of the taped cardboard barring entrance upon the stairway to heaven.

Somehow the bloom of Iris 'Louisiana Babcock' seems to capture the point of pain with its deep purple woundedness, reminiscent of Christ's humility and shame when robed in purple. Yes, the pain of humiliation is something for a victim soul to ponder, for it is a good pain, star quality pain, and to grab ahold of the bits of gold, reminders of the crown to be won, a crown won for souls. That is a main point of suffering, of offering the suffering: for souls. Souls hard-won for Christ and His Body which is the Church.

Graceful Suffering

2010-07-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

My longtime childhood friend-through-adulthood suffers from Epstein Bar Virus and various consequential health problems as a result. While we are over 2000 miles apart, the friendship grows faithfully with the years. This tree is her tree, the one that I have dedicated to her life and efforts.

The tree is called "Miss Grace" and is a dwarf cultivar of the Dawn Redwood. Slow growing, remains diminutive, and is ever so graceful. Refreshes the gardens even on tremendously hot days.

I wonder if suffering can be viewed, termed, "graceful"? I believe so. But to actually suffer gracefully is something I have not mastered. I pray for the graces to suffer gracefully.

Part of what I emptied out in the tomb room of confession the other day, was that I do not suffer gracefully, not well, but at least with the most recent serious pain siege, I only had contact with my confessor, my long time friend, and a recent, lovely, new friend from the Cathedral.

I told the confessor that although I have offered the suffering for the priests of the Diocese and various other intentions, that I never anticipated that the suffering would become so severe, so intense, to the point that it feels at times like some sort of psychotic break is occurring, not that I've ever had a psychotic break. But I've read about them in my degree coursework in clinical psych. What I experience is pain so severe that the mind can no longer cope with it, and so the mind goes elsewhere, and the body remains with the pain.

Well, that is not an apt description, either. Perhaps this: I look out with my eyes, but all seems as if I am looking in on some place where I am not. Even when I look out upon the beautiful gardens, it seems as if I'm viewing from some other dimension. When the pain climbs to a level in which the strong pain meds do not handle it, the mind, the psyche, perhaps even the soul, elevates to some other vantage point, yet all is within the body, remains connected in some way. Obviously, for I remain alive.

But is a person graceful when suffering? We must look to Christ for this answer. Was He graceful in His suffering?

Yes. He remained passive, patient and gentle. He spoke to His Father, His mother, His close friend St. John the Apostle. We don't know from Scripture if He spoke to Simon of Cyrene who helped carry the cross, but if He did, we can assume He said "thank you" and probably more. He spoke to the thief hanging on a cross near him, a fellow sufferer. He spoke words of promise and hope. He spoke of a physical need or sensation, that He thirsted. It has been said that He thirsted for souls, but also His body thirsted, yet He did not drink what was offered, the vinegar and gall. But He remained graceful all through His suffering.

Another Lone Bird

2010-04-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

Am reading Sigrid Undset's St. Catherine of Siena. Like to read bios of saints near their feast days. St. Catherine is coming up this Thursday, April 29.

She certainly was a lone and perhaps odd bird for her times, and would be for ours, as well. I like her. I love her, in fact.

I can assure you that suffering is not easy, as many of you well know. Sometimes we are called upon to do God's will which might seem quite unorthodox to many, and the spawn of gossip, slander, misjudging and wrongful opinions.

Sometimes Jesus plucks us out of situations for our own protection, and maybe more for the protection of others--to keep them from their wrong opinions and misjudgments of other people.

St. Catherine of Siena certainly had her fair share of all that and more, from her family, friends, and strangers. Sigred Undset's bio is particularly fascinating given the author's expertise on the Middle Age culture and society and gender.

St. Catherine suffered tremendously as a victim soul. She also was called upon to speak up in her era to Church authorities, including, remarkably, to chastise the Pope. But a hunk of her life was lived in solitude within her own family home, treated much like a slave for a portion of her persecuted life.

Am still mulling over whether to post the web site address here and on the Catholic Hermit blog, partly to see if the young computer guru's block is successful to the ne'er-do-well blugs, but the desire for having that site be a deeper expression of the spiritual life supersedes finding out if young John's computer block works. Having freedom to write without misjudgment, wrongful opinions, and harassment approaches serenity.

But I do know how reactionary writing becomes a drag and ineffective. I just de-bookmarked a blog today, that I occasionally would read, due to it's being for the most part reactionary writing, as well as welcoming comments that are reactionary, judgmental, and filled with opinions that leave much to be desired.

Back to bed and to reading that which elevates. Thanks to Sigrid Undset and other fine writers! I honor them and am grateful, and someday hope to be a writer who elevates, which is more possible when writing from the heart, in prayer, and in private.

Suffering: Outside-the-Walls

2010-03-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

I continue to pray to love suffering, to embrace it and consider myself very blessed to be given so much, and to pray for closeness to Christ and distance from all that is not Christ. I guess that would be sin that I must avoid, and it can come in little things, in a way, the little distractions. Maybe the gardens and ducks that were checking out a place for a nest, help more remind me of simplicity and goodness, or the simple pots.

I seem to be like St. Paul Outside-the-Walls--that beautiful church in St. Paul's honor, built where his head was chopped off and bounced three times, which at the time was built outside the walls of Rome, yet today of course is quite in the city, since Rome grew far beyond the initial "walls".

Really a Victim Soul Now

2010-03-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

The Da called. He says I am really a victim soul now.

We don't know what is going on, me especially. The stripping down. Lots of temporal unknowns.

Lots of mystical unknowns, too, other than I am here, and the Catholicism is more here in God, in suffering, in prayer, and in the books.

It all changes, the temporal Catholic world means even less to those plucked from it, in a temporal sense, yet those plucked from it suffer and pray for the temporal Catholic world all the more.

Trying to list out the flora of the gardens on web site. Got the Japanese Maples listed, but no photos or descriptions yet.

Took a photo of the golden crocuses blooming. Awoke yesterday wondering what good do the $3000 gold vestments hanging in the sacristy closet, do for people like me, or anyone? But the gold crocuses, they do me much good, and the good they do illuminates some hope, and helps me pray better for the ones who purchased the $3000 gold brocade vestments hanging in the sacristy closet. A shame, for in healthier days, I could have sewn them for $50...donated the time.

A Victim Soul's Ouch

2010-02-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

This is about as close a connection, photo-wise, I can make to my spine. Have to admit that about now I'm looking back over the last couple of years and realize the pain has just crept up on me and wrapped its limbs around me.

Yes, had the severe pain sieges as I have had for years, come and grab me from behind and throw me into bed and nearly out of my head with agony. But I'd get better and keep going, simply keep going.

Now, for a couple of weeks, the body was tossed into bed and mind out of it with pain, and as in the six weeks around Christmas, big black-outs with some details poking out, sort of like the little twig-tips that stick out from this Weeping Purple Fountain Beech.

But this time I could not pull out and force up and out and even to Mass. Nope. And had to take pain meds on regular regimen, and couldn't even get to my doctor in nearby town. So a friend recommended her GP and drove me the five-max miles. And he didn't know me, and the pain was so bad I couldn't even focus to do a good job of communicating, however, I still function and probably look far better than I am. My friend did say this time it showed in my face and eyes.

The doctor gave me some meds that had awful side effects and are 38% effective with people with fibromyalgia. Not wanting to be non-compliant to some other ideas he had, I tried these as he gave me samples. Bad idea. For one thing, I don't have fibromyalgia, and the side effects, for another thing, are the PITS. I lasted out these nasty pills three days but in the meantime awoke one morning being able to focus and think, and knew the pain was too much in the upper back to be "normal" for me, which is far from normal after all these years of constant suffering. So I called and said, "You guys don't know me, and I don't know you, but I can tell you this is not like me--not like me to have to take so much strong pain med, and not like me to have this high a degree of pain in upper back, and not like me to not be able to cope with it. And I can't this time. So I think I really do need a scan of the upper back."

That worked. They took an MRI that afternoon. A friend suggested I ask for a Medrol dose pack (prednisone), and with wan hope I got that and took it, and it did seem to ease the thing a bit, but not enough to function. But I was grateful and still hoped it would just be muscles over-used. But the MRI results were mine to peruse on Monday last, and in the meantime this new GP wanted me to get a work up from a pain spec. So a friend carted me to that doctor Tuesday a.m., and the tech mostly saw me, asked the questions I've answered for years, but did so patiently as she didn't know my history. The doctor came in after seeing my MRI, and asked which doctor I wanted to be referred to, and I said which of the two he named. The pain doc is one that I'll not go back to see, anyway, as he was sadly and unmistakenly RUDE in the three or four minutes we were in proximity. Amazing how rude a person can be in three statements. I did not react to him, though, and left him on a cheery note. And am praying for him now and then, for dear friends, this is why we encounter people who are rude or otherwise not resonating well: We are supposed to pray for them, and if they are praying people, we can pray they pray for us. All peace on earth. All PEACE on EARTH. Forevermore. But if I ever have to go to a pain specialist again for any reason, which is unlikely, it will not be this one. Prudence.

So I have been in bed, on sofa, and toddling about my little place here, able to be up not many minutes and only if medicated. A couple of friends have checked in via phone and brought in the few supplies needed. Amazing how very little we need of the commercial world, truly. Every couple of days or so I test the stamina and pain level and walk to the mailbox at the end of my very short drive. I did so this morning, as I also tried the grand experiment of no pain med upon waking, with hopes this thing is not so bad, after all. But it is bad, and I ended up having to take more than usual pain med plus a strong muscle relaxant, not that it is a muscle problem. My doctor in the nearby town had given me these in December in case I had a siege I could not handle, and these would help along with the pain meds, to give me a home-KO [knock-out, for non-boxer fans, of which I am a non but know the term].

Tomorrow morning I am being driven to the neurosurgeon, another 5 max-mile journey, and my friend advised me to take pain pills prior. Well, yes. I learned my lesson this morning.

And all this to say again to anyone who has read my blogs, that I am so very sorry for any of the ups and downs, any grumpiness, any less-than-gracious writing. It is the PAIN. It is the PAIN. I have been trying to function, increasingly less and less, with too much PAIN. And now I know the reason and cause, and am praying it can be remedied, at least to get me back to the otherwise low spine PAIN that has been my lot in life for nearly 26 years, and ever will be. Nothing more to be done with that. Had more than plenty done already.

And this morning the mailbox yielded a book I'd ordered awhile back, and has been sitting in the mailbox a couple days until I could gut it out to fetch it. The Cross and the Joy: Marthe Robin. Not a huge book, but a book about a 20th century victim soul who lived and died in France. Might report here, or on my web page. Am having some issues uploading the blogs on my web site, so the high school senior computer genius is working on that snafu as I write, from his home yonder 30 miles or so.

The good news is that he did write a program that will block a few blugs who have been far too interested in what I write on these blogs. He could write a program to block them from these, but I said the main thing is to protect the web site from unnecessary intrusion, as well as to protect the blugs from even more seemingly obsessive log-ons and unnecessary fixation and detraction.

Amidst all these little details of daily life, I am praying for the faith and courage to suffer with great belief that somehow, even in my human imperfections, the Lord is utilizing all this pain for His glory, for souls, for my soul, too. Especially for the people I am shown to pray for, the people who are rude without realizing, or who have opposing viewpoints and can't quite seem to accept that they have opposing viewpoints and it is all right to have opposing viewpoints, and people who are in major need such as the souls in Haiti, Chile, and elsewhere with extreme pain and injuries, no meds, no doctors, no friends with cars to drive them to doctors, and no possibility of getting their ailments repaired.

All this extreme pain is a very good reminder that victim souls' pain is very real, very painful, and yet one must keep a sense of humor, have compassion, be forgiving, prayerful, and also comprehend and teach others to comprehend, that victim souls are very, very human.

God bless all of you who are suffering, and pray for me, please, for this Lenten Purge to do its work, and for me to pray and cooperate with God in this suffering, and to offer it all for Him and for souls.

Suffering Blog Sensitivities

2010-02-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

An e-friend e-mailed giving a perspective on how it is for some reading blogs. Mentioned some suffer from various mental illnesses. Struggle. So read blogs and might not react in ways blogger intends to relate content or how others not suffering from mental illnesses or would react.

The blog phenomenon is something to consider. I do not read blogs, usually, but on occasion read one by an artist in MN. If tired and in lots of pain, that blog can either make me laugh or else feel like the web site I'm working on is pointless and worthless.

Of course, the artist's blog site does not "make" me feel that way. I make myself feel that way. This evening I was laughing hilariously at some items on his blog site. And I'm in loads of pain. The one time I felt like my web site is pointless and worthless is when I realized I am a neophyte at web site development, and that is why a high school senior comes over now and then and helps me know what to do. Otherwise I'd not have any web site.

But back to those who suffer mental illnesses and who read blogs. My e-friend said she stopped reading a blog that upset her. A friend of hers encouraged her to stop reading it because it only upset her.

Truly, it is the responsibility of the reader to read or not read someone's blog, and if that blog is upsetting, drop it. I rather think that blogs are so self-revealing to others than oneself, that it is perhaps silly to read blogs, other than if one needs some laughs or just wants people's opinions and viewpoints, for blogs are journals journaling opinions and viewpoints.

Very little raw fact. For that we go to research sites online. Some blogs do give data, but usually if not always, the data is then analyzed from the blogger's viewpoint, and opinions offered, no matter how carefully packaged.

I have to admit to having some laughs about some people who read my blogs and take them perhaps a bit too seriously. I guess I had not considered the likelihood that some of the readers suffer from mental illnesses or diagnosable personality disorders. So I am very sorry that what I have written has stirred some to aggravated upset, or that I was insensitive to the reality of their illnesses.

My own suffering has come through in some of my blogs, such as that of much physical pain which can affect the total being. There was a reason why in centuries past, people would drink whiskey, pull their hair out, beat their heads against log cabin log walls, or Italianate home brick walls, or even adobe hut walls--and probably igoo ice walls. Some pioneers probably shot themselves when the suffering became too much to bear.

I was just reading about victim soul Marthe Robin who was paralyzed for 50 years. Her suffering included not producing saliva so not being able to eat, and not being able to sleep. Yes, that was a tremendous suffering. The paralysis, while not painful, was a suffering. To be moved, however, when her mother and another relative changed the bedding, caused excrutiating pain for Marthe. Also, at a certain point, she began suffering the Passion from Thursday through Friday or so, and that was very painful.

What I read mentioned that Marthe suffered all with much joy.

I was thinking about that when the doorbell rang, and I had to get up out of bed to let in the high school computer genius. I had retreated to bed an hour before, had to take pain meds, had to get a grip on the increasing sense of despair, which always glides in when the pain rises. The high school boy helped distract, and there was some laughter. I did mention the pain thing, though, and Marthe Robin, and how perhaps intellectually one could recognize the joy in suffering when one realizes one is suffering for and with Christ, for souls, for love. But, and the high school boy brought this point to the fore: in the hours, days, weeks, months, years of constant pain, pain, pain, is there an emotional joy?

Well, not here, not yet, not all the time. On occasion, yes there is the emotional joy, but that is usually when the Lord brings a consolation of some soul who has been altered for the better for whom one has suffered, if the Lord has even let the victim soul know the circumstances, which usually He does not. Or, there is an emotional joy when the Lord eases the suffering and lets the victim soul know He is close, and He and the victim soul will make it through yet another severe ordeal.

But otherwise, suffering can be quite a grind, and the Little Flower wasn't fooling when she mentioned that if her medications had been left by her bed stand, she would have taken more than she should. Thankfully, they were not left within her reach.

But maybe someday, maybe I will suffer all with much joy, all the time, an intellectual, emotional, and spiritual joy--all the time. Most likely that will be after I've been in purgatory, at the time when I hopefully get to heaven. I'm a realist about suffering after these many years, even if suffering as a victim soul, for Jesus knows all about it, all about suffering. Love Him!

Anyway, blogs can be a source of suffering for people, if they don't agree with the opinions or viewpoints, and also if they start to see what the blogger him-or herself does not or seems to not see in him- or herself that is annoying. Chances are, the blogger sees, but keeps writing, anyway. And readers have the responsibility to themselves, for their own mental, emotional and maybe even physical health, to not read blogs. Web logs, they are, just that, nothing more.

Although the man who has such an artistic blog writes opinions that I usually agree with, wrote a blog about how people writing blogs are sometimes elevated to authority status, when they really are not. And I suppose that can be confusing and upsetting to readers.

Are they called "bleaders"--these blog readers? Regardless, I appreciate my e-friend for writing and explaining how blogs can affect the "bleaders" (like that coined word!) and especially if the bleader is suffering in some way, mentally, emotionally, or physically.

And in sensitivity but yet in a need to write thoughts, viewpoints in journalistic fashion, I have turned to developing a website that encapsulates various aspects of my anonymous earthly existence, and it is totally private, hidden, and God alone brings eyes to it. In this way, bleaders will not have to suffer.

Big snowstorm here all day. Am practicing a little
on the harp, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" and "The Glory of These Forty Days", also editing consumer complaints, as well as wrote and wrote and wrote my soul out in a protected environment.

Holy Stones! Am Going to God!

2010-01-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

The stones, foreground in photo, are literally called "Holy Stones". They come from these parts, general region of country. Piled them around in late fall, awaiting spring inspiration but just might leave them piled! In background is Blue Spruce "pendula", with Uncle Jack Fogey Jack Pine in near background, trunk of Weeping Young's Birch. Catch glimpse of a couple upright stones. These are the unmarked Stations of the Cross. Dotted them around gardens; one can begin at any one to make the meditation Way.

So much in my spiritual life has occurred; can't begin to write it. Would miss what is on-going, present moment. No need to share. Have not been writing other than on web pages and decided to let God bring whom He wills to its site and shores. May it pass unnoticed, as far as I am concerned, but a creative endeavor, it is!

Last night, marveling at how God is unfolding events rather rapidly now, and how I am going to God--yes, I am going to God!--I realized that there is more than enough written in this blog about victim souls, to give anyone a good start, an overview, and then some.

After a certain point, it all becomes uniquely individual: the suffering, the messages, the trials, the joys, the spiritual growth, the souls encountered, the mysteries, the Love. So many books to read about victim souls, really. They share bits of their lives, or others share overviews and bits of their lives. Sure, much is left out. The older the book, the more often the grim details are glossed with finales of grandly executed final days and deaths. But in between first cognition of the mission and the glorious, joyful, victorious death, the victim souls do suffer intensely, immensely, and not always heroically. Not at first. It is a process. All of life, each holy stone of our spiritual lives are piled one upon another, painfully so yet beautifully so, creating a landscape in all seasons, awaiting eventual exaltation in God.

Not sure there needs to be any more written, at least not by me, here. Printed out all blogs, hole punched, put loads of pages in binders. Stuck them in a closet, bottom shelf near floor. Now am going to God, and that, in a way expressed, so my dear readers may interpret in varying ways. Readers gain glimpses of what I write, make varying assumptions as we all are tempted to do, based upon our own souls' panorama, placement, and perspicacity.

A writer of matters mysterious, of spirit and soul and suffering, leaves much left in wonderment, leaves room for pondering, and if one desires, to make assumptions, form opinions, or simply sample for one's own holy stone pile compilation.

Suffer all for the love of God and for love of souls, my friends who understand and those who don't!

Little Child Jesus, Lost and Found....

2010-01-19T16:20:00.000-08:00

Son called frantically yesterday. "Use your prayers. I'm in big trouble."

As it turns out, a tape he'd shot of something coming down where he works, was missing. He was on a stake-out, but co-workers had torn apart his desk back in NYC, to no avail of finding it.

So this son (who lapsed from the Church after losing faith while in a liberal Catholic university) wanted me to pray. It might mean his job. So I prayed on the phone, aloud, to Little Child Jesus, lost and found, please help this video tape to come around.

I always like to make it rhyme. And I told him he also needed to ask St. Anthony to help, and for him to pray--that HE needed to do some praying for this.

In fact, a week ago he called while the harp teacher just leaving but couldn't find her car keys, and I prayed to Little Child Jesus while on the phone but also trying to help her find the keys, and within minutes, she held up the keys. My son overheard this. The Faith is in him; it is just kind of lost for now.

Today my son called again. The tape was found in rather amazing circumstances. Somehow just showed up under a fold on his obliterated desk, where they had looked everywhere, drawers pulled out, everything up-ended and dislodged from top to bottom. Yes, amazing.

Not only that, but the story they were working on had amazing outcomes, with much success beyond all expectations.

My son thanked me for the prayers. I reminded my son that we really need to thank Little Child Jesus and St. Anthony, and also his angel Pat who helped him re-locate the person he was following when he lost the trail, and again, amazingly, found the person's car and all unfolded with precision that only God could orchestrate. And reminded him that others prayed, also, but it is God who answers them.

My Protestant cousin had success a week ago when her debit card went missing. She asked St. Anthony to help her find it, and he came through. She uses holy water to great effect, also. Still not keen on Catholicism, but at least Catholic devotions and truths are helping her. The saints and the blessed items do not discriminate between Catholics and non-Catholics. They only want to help, to love, and the blessed items are God's to give to anyone who believes.

My cousin asked the other day for me to repeat the Little Child Jesus prayer so she could write it down.

As for suffering, today is the first day in weeks and weeks that I felt some improvement, and some hope. But this morning I did have a reminder that I am suffering as it is my work, and it is to suffer for priests, for souls, for the Church--yes, maybe especially these days for some of the less palatable aspects of how we Catholics sometimes behave, how we taint Holy Mother Church with our sinfulness, if not foolishness.

But we have truth and love and holy water and saints and guardian angels and Little Child Jesus.

Little Child Jesus, lost and found, help bring more souls around.

[Rarely post a human photo, but decided this reminded me of Jesus finding the lost child, holding the hand to keep from stumbling. It is my son with his little niece (my granddaughter) on a rare visit he made from NYC. Jesus finds us all if we desire to be found. Little Child Jesus, lost and found....]

Skylands, the Church, Suffering, Haiti

2010-01-17T04:14:00.000-08:00

In autumn, Tim planted for me the trees across Lake Immaculata--the conifers I got to represent the 12 apostles, plus St. Paul, the Trinity, St. Joseph, Mary, and the Church.
Skylands, a gorgeous golden conifer, is planted to represent Holy Mother Church. A buck deer marked it by scraping antlers on main trunk, near bottom. Praying the Church will survive this assault. Appears to be, but will know more come spring. Am offering the intense, on-going suffering, higher levels of pain than ever, plus spiritual assaults, for the Haitian people. Today might try to write more on web site blog. But for now, just wanted to share a photo of "the Church in winter", and the wound on Her main trunk, maybe like the horrendous gash to the people of Haiti. I am stricken, too, in suffering with them, offering my love through the small suffering I have which is great, perhaps too great for me at times--but nothing compared to what even one child whose broken limb has to be amputated, is enduring in Haiti. They have such faith, the Haitians! God bless them! God have mercy on us! Laus Deus!

Puff and Pain

2010-01-15T15:11:00.000-08:00

Just so much going on spiritually, mystically, physically. Too much to write.

Haiti. Praying for the people in Haiti. Praying for those going to help.

Probably going to encapsulate all my writing onto the web site being developed, but have been in much physical suffering, and the Lord doing things with my soul and spirit, that I do not understand, and am not sure what is going on. So haven't been writing except personal correspondence, and haven't been reading much, either, due to pain level.

But we can always pray, even if it is praying with pain. Maybe that is the best, anyway. Pain sort of puts us in an altered state, or maybe a bit more in the MCW. Definitely sets us out of the temporal if it is severe enough pain.

Am praying about whether to give my web site address or perhaps better to let the Lord decide about who wanders upon it, or not. For sure, it is not going to be all that essential! We are all very inessential in our words. Love is the most essential aspect, if we can learn that in our life times. And that is essential only because God is love. It still has little to do about us, other than if we are in God and He can tough it out to be in us! Well, He purifies us first, so then it is possible, and the purification comes through the Blessed Virgin Mary.

I don't think I ever wrote about how I was told that the Blessed Virgin Mary is like a catalytic converter. But maybe I did. Anyway, she is, and our engines don't run well at all without her purifying the air intake. And smudgy cannot enter into something pure, as Jesus is pure, so first must be made clear.

Suffer well, as well as we can! I offered up becoming dreadfully ill the other day, from trying to smoke a first cigar ever, on behalf of our new Bishop! Was SO SICK! No one told me a stubby little mild cigar could do so much to a body that hasn't smoked. Someone asked if I inhaled. What? How? Well, not likely. Clueless.

Too bad I don't have the stub to take a photo, a third left of the nasty thing. Left it, I think, by the Sacristy door, outside in the snow. Not sure. My friends had to come and haul my carcass to their home, after a Good Samaritan Seminarian held me up and walked me to the parking lot, until I started to pass out, and put me on a step, sitting, and waited until the friends arrived.

My cousin called. I told her the story, which is a lot more than I can begin to write or want to here. She said she'd never smoked a cigar before.... I told her not to. She believes me.

Marie d'Oignies: Mystic and Victim Soul

2010-01-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

Love this shot of reed grass down by Lake Immaculata (pond). Highlighted in snow, reminds me of one type of crown of thorns. Some scholars believe the crown was not a ring of thorns as we usually see depicted in art, but rather was a kind of helmet of thorns. These frozen spikes remind me of a painful helmet, and pain it is these days, and much suffering at a deeper or higher level, both interior and exterior, spiritual and physical. The Lord is depossessing me. Quite a process. Marie d'Oignies and the supportive priest Fr. Jacques de Vitry, have been implored to befriend me, help me, and truly, they respond to the call....

Read a bit more in "Life of Marie d'Oignies" by Fr. Jacques de Vitry. First section describes external aspects of her life. A mystic from early age, arranged marriage at age 14 to John. Both decided to live celibate; John became very spiritual due to Marie's influence. Marie a Beguine, in the Beguine Movement in Lieges, France, 13th c. They were lay persons, not otherwise in convents or monasteries for various reasons, not tertiaries, but very spiritual, devoted, loyal to the Church.

However, clergy at that time viewed these (mostly) women as extreme, to be doubted and mistrusted for their spiritual fervor and mystical experiences. Some were declared heretics and were subject to persecution and "dispossession" by the clergy and others. Yet Fr. Jacques de Vitry became interested in Marie's life and witness, and was very supportive of her. While he did not have enough influence over others in the clergy to any great degree, he did provide support for Marie in her trials.

Sure enough, in the 20th c., Marie d'Oignies was declared a "Blessed" by the Catholic Church.

Marie's exterior life included various austerities, miracles, and devotions. She lived a sacrificial life and received many graces. She was not discounted by all, of course. Much of the exterior manifestations of graces and miracles include angelic interventions and those of Mary and Jesus, inedia, and the "typical" phenomena experienced by mystics. The next section in the small book will deal with her interior life.

Have been undergoing additional persecution and probably am not reacting with heroic virtue if any virtue, other than I am enduring, which at least is not a vice. Called the old Irish Da the other night and described the treatment, and he declared it mean and cruel. Well, yes it is.

Oh, I'm not referring to anything minor such as little snipes from online comments or the like, but this is from my current locale, from some tension of a couple or so priests. And the Da is my Fr. Jacques, but I am not a Marie, not to any great degree. But evidently the devil is not pleased that I am thus far surviving what has been the most severe pain siege, darkness, spiritual assault, and multi-level and dimensional suffering ever in my life. Much of it is incapable of memory recall other than know it has been hell. Some friends living elsewhere and adult children keeping in touch, praying, wondering if all right that I remain in current location. Am trying to endure by the grace of God.

Am not out of it yet. But had a kind of birth with Christ on Christmas, and being drawn even more out of temporal into mystical, and the shift has been a struggle--mostly from my resistance, I think. Have grieved some, feared some. The unknown can be a bit scary. Wanted to hang on a little longer to the temporal. But no, not happening.

Now, those who can perceive know I am not referring to not being part of the temporal world as in existing as a human being here, but it is a kind of inferential essence, of not being part of this world in most regards. Or, perhaps it is better to explain that am more part of the mystical world and less of the temporal. Perhaps that is easier to grasp for those who might read this attempt to explain the inexplicable.

No matter, reading about Marie d'Oignies (as well as recently, Berthe Petit) has helped bolster my exhausted soul. Can a soul be exhausted? I guess so. It seem so, anyway. I know in some of the painfulness of various levels, I have pushed back a bit, reacted to having doors closed, more doors closed, to that world. But in prayer and praise, albeit bed-ridden at some points and sofa-based often enough, but yet able to be at Mass daily except the severest of the siege--I am praying for courage to face the unknowns of what is going on and what is next.

Harp instructor came a bit ago. Said I should have called since obviously in much pain. But I said, no, needed her to come, distract, refocus me on the harp, even if so difficult to sit, to function. Have not been able to play since before Christmas. But now am practicing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." Am drawn to that song even if I've preferred in past the traditional, classic Catholic hymns.

Harp instructor has become a spiritual friend--the evangelical Christian and the Catholic convert! We pray aloud together, and when the siege was at an all-time high (or low), she and her family--along with some of my Catholic close friends--prayed for my deliverance and continue. One friend sent an envelope full of blessed St. Benedict medals to place all about the house. The Da did the exorcism blessing of the crucifix I wear. Have had anointing of sick. All the Sacraments possible.

Bl. Marie d'Oignies and Berthe Petit, plus Fr. Jacques, the Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary and Jesus my Love, my Love, my only Love--all the friends on the other side, the angels and saints, too--well, I'm grateful, and to my earthly friends and family. Many prayers to endure this suffering.

Not sure if will continue writing much on this blog or maybe encapsulate all on the web site being developed. Will pray on it, and see how time and energy permit, God's will and desire...you know. But do plan to comment on Marie d'Oignies interior life, once I read it, which might be tonight or tomorrow. Pain tends to have its way with me these days, so have to live extra in present moment.

Annihilation

2010-01-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

[Found this old post of 18 months past--after I just lost somehow, a post I wrote about Marie d'Oignies, and it was good but will finish book and pray God to write it even better.]

Not sure if it is a victim soul thing or a hermit thing--probably both; but am in a strange state. Keep saying to self, "It is all right. I have agreed to this. There is no choice but to suffer it."

Then realize the reality of not having any choice. There truly is no choice but to suffer this. There is no need to try to hack back out into the temporal world--secular, Catholic, whatever world. The body pain will only increase, and it just doesn't seem to be the thing to do, anyway. There is no place to go in the TCW, for the doors are not opening; it is not prudent.

If attempt to interact or open up, TC's sense things. Or, the body wears out, and back to the ill aspects of suffering. Coming to the point that there is not the motivation or energy, for the facade. But do put on the facade at Mass, or in the check-out line (and this maybe once every two weeks or so). No talking today except at Mass, for the responses and prayers, and to softly whisper: Blood of Christ when offering the Cup. Or, did someone call? Yes, an adult daughter, briefly. Had energy to be enthusiastic, to listen, comment briefly.

Seems strange not to write and post blogs! The one from Arlington Diocese seems so disappointed. But must continue on in this mode, for the other, the blogosphere, was becoming a comfortable world, but a controversial world even amidst the Catholics who would read the posts. So, God seemed to say to stay away from the net, to keep on swimming out into the true deep waters.

It is hard to describe the mystical Catholic world. A couple folks who have e-mailed, suggest that the temporal Catholic world really does have the mystical Catholic world in it. And, one is close, in commenting that this happens when God writes in our hearts, or said Holy Spirit. If not, nothing says, yes, the Holy Spirit writes in our hearts, and the Holy Spirit is in both the temporal Catholic world and the mystical Catholic world. But the two worlds are not the same.

The other person thought it was that of apostolic world vs. contemplative world. No, that is not so. There is contemplative in the temporal Catholic world and contemplative in the mystical Catholic world. But the mystical Catholic world is not the same. It just is not.

There is something different that goes beyond contemplation, although contemplation is within it, surely, as it is within the temporal Catholic world, obviously. One has to be really and truly dead to be in the mystical Catholic world. Flat out dead. And this could mean physically dead, but more it means dead inside, flat dead inside. And out a bit, too. There is a deadness, a being called off solo, alone, as in a coffin, or in that state of being dead, as at one's wake, with others in the room being alive. But it is not at a temporal state of being dead. It is non-temporal.

The body cleaned the bathrooms today, and in sweeping them, noticed some peeling paint on a windowsill. Next will paint the front door trim, as it needed it, and then touch up. So thankful to angel Beth for pointing out the chipped windowsill situation. Catching up on editing complaints. That is, from the MCW observing into the temporal consumer world.

And maybe that is the best way to view the MCW: It is from an observation point somewhere outside the temporal. Even at Mass, where the TCW and the MCW meet, the one in the MCW observes from a point outside, looking in or around on the scene, from beyond. There is little to no interaction--only if the TCW approaches, and then, as in editing consumer complaints, the one in the MCW observes, reaches in for whatever minor point or action, or word, and that is that. Questions asked, such as, "How are you doing?" can be easily shifted immediately, to "How are things in your life?" The TCW Catholics (as do other temporal folks) have immediate responses, for they are active and involved in the temporal, and that is easily described. All mystical ones can listen and understand, for they all have been (even if but for a short while) immersed in the temporal.

It is much about degrees. Some MC's have been socialized to be more temporal, and to not linger with the mystical. Yet, if they are truly called to the MCW, they will keep tripping, and eventually will agree to leave the TCW, for there will seem no other alternative! If they have been agreeing to God's will and striving to please Him, then He will keep tugging to where He wants them.

And it is so strange in the adaptation, the transition phase. There is such a supreme sense of total abandonment. And that sense is daunting, and rather indescribable. Little doubts can inch into the thoughts, but when God has provided circumstances, such as finally leveling enough suffering so as to hamstring the person from much else, the person settles into it. Even if the person thinks it ought to be reaching out in some way, it does not. It is tired, and it realizes it is not coming back into the temporal this time, as it had done so in the past.

Yes, in the past when these sieges came, nothing would struggle to get better, and to overcome the bodily pain and depletion, and to fight against the strange sensations going on, the interiorization process. But this time, it is not. It is trying to physically improve, to manage the constant, higher level of pain; but it is not going to struggle back out into the TCW, or any other temporal world.

There has been some night work. A murder the other night, and that means more souls to pray for in that realm. But even the praying is shifting, and nothing recalls the angels awakening it a couple months ago, singing in a kind of bell-tone chime: All peace on earth, all PEACE on earth. And that is becoming the prayer: All peace on earth. Not the detailed prayers for this one or that. The mind in the MCW is opening up.

The sensation that used to come now and then at the top of the nose, at the bridge, has moved up to the forehead, and sometimes goes up to the top of the head over to the left a bit. The mind, so connected with the soul, as the intellect and the will are in the soul, are opening up, being stretched, widened, heightened, deepened.

Nothing must not be afraid. At this stage of separation from the TCW (and any world), it wouldn't matter if insanity came. It is about the same as far as the life involvements. Except that without insanity, the person can pretty much manage the temporal aspects required for a body to exist in the temporal conditions, yet be a mystical Catholic.

And the mystical Catholic's world is nothing that can easily be explained, and part of the alienation, the sense of annihilation, is that there isn't anyone, really, who wants it explained or whose temporal time should be taken with listening to it being attempted to be explained. Either the TCW's get confused, or think that the MCW is somehow being described as superior, or they want to defend that the MCW is really in the TCW, or that they are part of the MCW while still being very much TCW. Or that the one in the MCW is crazy or pathetic. Or that it really should not be expressing these thoughts, trying to describe the experience. And that is probably best. Others might feel left out from something that would not be for them or God would have them on their way or in it. (And some He does, but they can't describe it, either, no doubt, for evidently this is something that a person must experience solus Deus.)

The priests stand at the portal between the TCW and the MCW. Some priests aren't aware of this. The ones who comprehend it, if someone tries to explain, do not have the time to spend on it, and really and truly, there is NOTHING they can DO for the person, anyway, as it dies and gets born into the MCW. They can listen within reasonable bounds, and can encourage, but there is no parish life for the MC in temporal terms. Assisting at Mass is about it, for that is really a MCW function; although TCW folks often make it into something more temporal than not, what with the fussing and egos and envies and rushing for positions.

Well, it is all right. All that is part of the TCW, and the MCW meets that world at Mass and in all the Sacraments. Other encounters require the facade, which requires some energy, and that energy comes from the Holy Spirit as the Holy Spirit deems appropriate. It is love that He provides for the energy, and so when a call comes from one who the Holy Spirit desires the MC to have energy to love and to reach into the temporal, the energy love is there immediately.

Nothing found that out when the call came from the eldery couple. But if the TCW or any temporal world encounter is not necessary, not deemed desirable for any reason whatsoever, the Holy Spirit will keep the MC rather deadened, or in pain enough to not have even the slightest desire to reach into the temporal.

As for the harp, Rosa Mystica, nothing is practicing a bit each day, usually right before bedtime at night. And it has started to play Scripture. It does this by plucking strings in a melody spontaneous in the MCW, of the Holy Spirit, and sings the words of the Scripture with the melody. The melody could change each time the Scripture is played. It does not matter.

There are different rules and standards in the MCW than in the TCW. As mentioned, prayer is different (TCW very specific, MCW "All peace on earth"). Music in the MCW does not have to follow any particular guidelines, nor does art, or planting flowers and trees. Food in the MCW is something that must be undertaken as a temporal task in the preparation and eating, but there is no desire for details; it is all in the present moment, with whatever is at hand. And it is appreciated the way one being swept out with the current, once it has been swimming beyond any nets, into the deep--appreciated as one out there would appreciate being offered a boost of energy for a fresh breath of air. That is all, nothing more nor less.

Day and night in the MCW are not as in the TCW, although the MC retires at night, shuts its eyes, prays to be utilized however the Lord wills, just as it would in temporal daylight. And the Lord does utilize the MC at night. It goes places and interacts from the MCW into the realm that is not translatable but yet is temporal, with temporal actions incurred. But the MC is able to float in that world as well as in the temporal daylight world. And with practice and prayer, the MC is melded into day and night, all the same in essence for the MC, from that outside observation post, in the MCW.

There's more, but this is enough for now. The main adaptation continuing on this day and night, is the sense of annhiliation, and that feels sort of like drowning would feel in the temporal, or like being excluded from the TCW--even though the person KNOWS that the MCW is where it belongs, and must learn the ropes of that world. Yes, it is work, and a little unnerving due to the great unknown of it and the sensation of being a dead person embodied in the temporal realm, but love of God and His will, makes the yoke easy and the burden light.

The Holy Spirit is very present in the MCW in a way more so than what is perceived in the TCW--even though He is as present there. So one in the MCW must have its mind stretched to receive the great sensations that feel as pressures within the head, as the Holy Spirit expands in the mind. This will assist in the adaptation to the MCW.

Must have faith and keep going out, out, and in, in, in. Do not fear. One must be very much alone in death and in birth.

[Really love the way these Virgin coneflowers picked up the morning light. The plants do not exist by the rules and standards of the temporal, although the temporal people impose certain rules upon gardening. So it is with the MCW, and one must not create rules for it, but remain as a flower or leaf, reflecting light, or being swept along with the current of God and all that is His.]

Sacrificial Decoys

2010-01-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

In posting an infrequent blog, an accidental purpose is to draw off those who are obsessed so that they won't have time to blug (blog thug) other Catholics trying to write online. It is a kind of sacrificial blogging. Then not to write on these for awhile, and the dissenters continue to log in for days, weeks, sometimes months, wondering if I will write again. I do not publish their angry comments, of course.

It is a reality in the Church--the sadness of obsessions and dissent. Jesus often encountered the sick.

Recall a situation at a dangerous high school, in which the yearbook staff remained after school to paint sales posters. Two gang members climbed the gates which were closed and locked after 3:15 dismissal, used long scissors as weapon, and lined the yearbook staff up against the front chalkboard. The teacher was getting supplies outside the room, saw what came down, ran to tell the janitor to call the police. No cell phones then. Had terrible time convincing the janitor, a young man himself, as the teacher was quite young and looked like a student. Teacher returned to join the students, all hostages.

Finally the janitor looked in the room, saw, and had a co-worker call the police. Then this janitor entered the room and drew off the dangerous gang member by talking with him, telling him if he is going to fight someone, kill someone, to come get him. The gang member was drawn off. The young custodian walked backwards out of the room, talking, gesturing, and the gang member followed, brandishing, threatening, his weapon.

The police arrived...as did several low-rider cars of more gang members. The police drew guns, apprehended the threatening gang member, and the custodian was spared. All the students and the teacher were escorted to their cars. As the back-up gang members saw the police on the scene, one flashed a gun from under his jacket as they drove off in their low-riders. The police did not see, but the students saw and realized how close this call.

What a sacrifice the young janitor made, risking his life for a dozen students and a teacher. The next day the teacher was called on the carpet for having been so foolish as to think the students could stay after school behind the locked gates to paint posters. "What do you think this is," the toughened assistant principal barked--"Beverly Hills? When the last bell rings, get off the school grounds!"

A victim soul prays for others, for those with emotional and mental disturbances, those with anger, with too much time on their hands, reading blogs they don't agree with but are drawn to, as in vigilante addiction. It is an offering to draw them off now and then, for they only spend time turning on others. Offer various sacrifices, be a decoy; pray for their well-being and deeper conversions, and hope for all souls to love one another.

Jesus obviously has great love and concern for these souls. He drove the evil out of demoniacs. Pray and sacrifice for all types of gang members very much a part of our society, even more so today. The devil works in various souls, places, and cyberspaces.

Berthe Petit: A Heavenly Help in Time of Need

2010-01-09T17:28:00.000-08:00

The suffering has been intense, strange, lengthy. Someone asked if I'd gone some where for Christmas? Yes, to hell. Been in hell.

But close friends prayed for deliverance. Had medication for pain, but not enough. Never enough, one thinks. Only a very few knew the extent, even if they could possible fathom. But it was the worst pain episode ever in my life, and I nearly did not survive. Putting it behind, however. Was suffering in all aspects of all levels.

Friend mailed a Christmas package. Inside was a print of Our Lady of Ollignies, also called Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary. Some research brought in the name of Berthe Petit, Belgian victim soul. Born 1860; died 1943.

Purchased book of her life as well as the messages from Jesus regarding the devotion He desires to His Mother, with the emphasis on her sorrows and her immaculate heart. The Life of Berthe Petit helped in ways inexpressible. Much is explained, reminded, about the value of suffering, of vows, of God's choosing souls, and of souls offering themselves, and God's accepting their offers.

This is important: If one makes an offering and God does not accept it, then one must accept God's will. If one makes an offering and God does accept, then there will be a process over time. One is drawn into God by means of suffering, and the suffering is done in reparation for sins of self, of others, to appease the suffering of Mary's sorrowful and immaculate heart, wounded in sorrow over the agonies of her Son.

We never know what kind of sufferings or the duration, the beginning, the end. But the book reminds that a victim soul learns what it is to experience what Christ feels and suffers--just in ways ordinary to our own circumstances. Persecutions occur in our milieu, by those around us, even our fellow Catholics and family members, friends, strangers. Unexpected insults, slights, injustices, bodily injuries, maladies, attacks by the devil in always unexpected ways--the sufferings come. Never what one could anticipate, but they are geared to each person by God's own allowance and formation.

One point made in the book about Berthe Petit is that God will even seem to "dispossess" the one He chooses and accepts as a victim soul--victim of love, of justice, of mercy, whatever. There comes a time in which the person feels dispossessed, passed by, passed over, by God. It is in those time periods that the suffering is all the harder to believe, to endure, to keep focus as to the supernatural effects and value of it all.

For the past 16 and more months, something has been happening to me at Mass. It has been very difficult, the whole circumstance, and a suffering of sorts, even if marvelous in other aspects. So this aspect of being dispossessed has happened off and on, and is most painful when am not given Communion, when passed by, disapproved, doubted, ridiculed, hurt, or sometimes pitied. The only way recently to cope, is to think of Christ and all He endured, helpless on the cross, and how He must have felt, what He endured to a very high degree compared to my very small matter--but quite enough.

I've read on these matters that the Lord does such things to souls in order to strengthen the soul and to help the soul conquer fears. Not sure this soul is making much progress, but some, surely, by the grace of God. Some progress, for now if am forgotten for Communion, or belittled in subtle ways, resented for that which I cannot help from happening, doubted, whatever the tension or hostility, or even curiosity--I pray and consider that God desires me to absorb the Eucharist mysteriously as a wild rose is not given tangible fertilizer. God feeds the wild rose by absorption of elements.

Anyway, Berthe Petit has been called upon these days to help me re-focus the suffering, seek more humility, not snap or despair. Rather, to be inspired by this Belgian woman who offered herself to Jesus and suffered all types of agonies in life--in all aspects of human existence. I know she is here now, as I write, and also today while with an adult daughter and her family who came for a belated Christmas since I have been so very ill with suffering previously. Just having a kind of regular day, and those are a gift from God, a cup of cool water and a touch of grace to fade the memory of such pain.

Somehow this bird atop the snow fountain cherry, photo taken early last spring, made me think of Berthe Petit. Seems she might have been like this robin in many ways, and victim souls suffer very much being alone. Even if people about, there is the solitary aspect of suffering that others cannot quite comprehend, one to another. Even if we are very compassionate, we still cannot quite experience what another suffers unless we suffer it ourselves. So it is that in order to be united with Christ, we must experience the types of sufferings He experiences. And the message He had for Berthe Petit to spread as her mission, is that in order to be united with Him, we must experience the sufferings of His Mother, as well, for she will lead us to His Sacred Heart through her sorrowful and immaculate heart.

Sister Josefa Menendez: First Vow When a Child

2009-12-30T16:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is true. She made a vow to God when she received First Holy Communion and repeated this vow. Her confessor told her to tear it up, that a young child should not make such vows.

She kept the vow. It is extant in her childish script, a century or so later. She repeated the vow for her Communions.

She was not infiltrated by evil spirits. She did not need years of counseling or deliverance. She was a victim soul, a mystic, and no doubt at some point in time will be canonized a saint--if her religious community can keep her cause promoted and has the funds to do so. Regardless, her life was one of suffering after her father died, and especially after she became a religious sister, entered the convent, was transferred from her native Spain to Poitier, France, suffered much physically, had many mystical experiences, wrote them, and died at an early age.

She died on December 29, 1923.

I celebrated her death date as I do each year since I read her book The Way of Divine Love. Had made vows privately, myself, on this date, in 2000. Renewed them each year. Was vow to live as religious solitary. This year did not renew. Rather, avowed to even less, to be far less. But to suffer, yes. Suffering vows to be renewed, and the other, the life that goes with suffering--it unfolds in God's will.

Confessor the other day, in trying to reason and calm, said among other thoughts, "It is not easy to be sick." No. There is much that goes along with suffering when one does avow to suffer what one suffers for God, for souls, in Christ, with, through, in Him.

It is not easy. Mystery is not easy. Mystical love is not easy.

But it is worth pursuing. Yes.

[The rose, photographed in Agnus Dei Gardens in warmer, sunnier season, is for you, Sr. Josefa, with gratitude for your intercessions, and for your life example of victim soul suffering of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.]

A Message About Victim Souls and Vows

2009-12-27T16:29:00.000-08:00

Someone has a webpage about "unhealthy devotions" and has included my site, quoted my vows, and determined these are negative, unhealthy, and invite the devil into one's life (presumably mine), and say it can take years of counseling and deliverance to be rid of the evil entities that are all too happy to increase the suffering.

I was made aware of this web site which says is by a Catholic who claims loyalty to the Church's Magisterium and lists various other evil devotions. Yes, some do seem awful, and lists known condemned persons, as well.

Unfortunately, I found out during a horrific pain siege, of which I'm yet trying to endure, and this web site did not help matters, as it also has a petition, claiming to send documentation to the Holy See.

My confessor has been trying to instill in me to ignore what people say, but in such pain as I have been, this site frightened me, upset me, and confused--all signs of the devil, as we know. So friends investigated this site, and found it to be by a person who denounces the Cure d'Ars and has some opinions about the Blessed Mother. They told me to ignore the site and the person, have nothing to do with it, and reminded me that some of the greatest saints were victim souls, and most saints and mystics of the Church take vows not unlike ones offered on this blog site.

My spiritual father said I am not possessed, friends have asked their priests of the situation, and I am reassured. What is disturbing, once more, is how Catholics can so vilify other Catholics without knowing them, and become vigilantes. My spiritual father reminded me that Catholics helped throw kindling on St. Joan of Arc's burn pile....

Regardless, I hope to begin writing again. Am not sure if it will be on Victim Soul site, but possibly. Or I might start anew on a site called Catholic Nothing, for surely nothing can be vilified about nothing. I am tired of the attacks, which are Satan in other people, if they'd stop to think about it themselves, and my confessor this morning reminded me that St. John Vianney had many negative things happen to him but got used to it. He also tried to leave Ars three times, without success. St. Padre Pio had his offerings to suffer, and he was hardly demonically possessed, and his sufferings did become worse, but was that evil entities doing it to him?

It is true that in possession cases, or in situations in which curses have been placed on people, strange maladies can occur and sufferings increase. Friends and a couple of priests prayed for my deliverance from any evil, the past few days, as a safeguard, probably most for my peace of mind which was cruelly disrupted by this "unhealthy devotion" site, which seems to destroy the good it could be doing, as it does mention new age ideologies, but runs down legitimate offerings and valid saints.

Another possibility for future writing might be under the topic/title: Gardens of Agnus Dei. I need something positive and creative--not the hatefulness that some Catholics seem to be tossing into the blogosphere.

I'm also praying about being hidden or not, as perhaps, such as the site in which the man does not reveal his identity or credentials (although tech savvy friends were able to dig around and find out who this person is and his suspect qualifications), it is not right to write anonymously. Perhaps one's credentials need to be mentioned in order to reassure others who may be reading.

Regardless, I have been offering these latest sufferings, and I include offering them for all who are suffering and offering their sufferings as victim souls to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, and I am offering them for the man, well-intentioned and perhaps self-righteous in a sincere way. It would be better if he'd remove the photo of my blog from his web site and remove the quotes and his erred opinions about my life, my vows, my spiritual status. He does an injustice to those who suffer in the Lord.

The photo is one a priest from India who is serving in Vienna, Austria, took and sent me a couple years ago. It reminds me of suffering, in a way, as sometimes pain seems like it freezes our bodies and mind from any kind of active good, yet inside there is still warmth and viable life, and goodness, and prayer, and love. We can always pray and love despite the greatest pain.

Vocation Tip by Carthusian Monk of Yore

2009-12-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

From a little book on contemplative life by a Carthusian monk (old book):

"If you possess no wisdom, no strength, no prestige, no nobility, if, in fact you are nothing, you will be the better instruments in God's hands. One thing only is necessary for
you. Be ready to put yourselves at the disposal of Him who is and can do all things. Have confidence in Him and in your vocation [nothingness!], and you will see how He can bring forth great results out of your nothingness. He is and remains the Creator.

"When Almighty God has impressed on your mortal bodies the sacred mark of penance, and on your immortal souls the still more sacred seal of prayer; when the irrevocable vows have given God the right thus to take possession of your human existence, then you will feel that though in yourselves you are nothing, in Him you are everything. You will perceive a divine virtue within you and proceeding from you, to give pleasure to God and healing to souls, and this virtue within you and going forth from you will increase day by day as you grow in intimacy with God...."

Sill Here; Still Suffering

2009-12-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

Just dropping by on this fifth day of Advent, letting anyone out there who drops by blog, that I am still here and still suffering.

I am particularly suffering as of Friday, as often we tend to get these sufferings on Fridays. Why not? It makes perfect sense.

Even have a notion as to why am suffering, and for whom, for what. But am doing all possible physically to improve, and that includes over-the-counter pain relievers, use of a little kneading pillow an adult daughter gave for early Christmas gift, and soon a hot soak bath. Otherwise taking it slow and easy. Missed both First Saturday Masses, though. Can't push the body beyond reasonable.

Spiritually am praying, loving, living, reading, pondering. Trying to remain in background, learn from Virgin Mary. Learning a Mary song on harp ("I Sing a Maid") as my novena for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. I play it daily, sometimes more than once, as my prayer and love to the Blessed Virgin Mary.

My confessor seemed to really find this kind of novena special. He said it is "beautiful." I hope so.
The harp playing may not be so beautiful, as I am just learning, and am fairly old to be taking up an instrument, and a difficult one at that, and all the more difficult because sitting raises my pain level very much; however, I think he meant that the desire and offering was beautiful--a beautiful hope of gift to Mary.

I pray for anyone out there who stumbles upon this blog. I still hope to write more about suffering, about being a victim soul. Maybe not in the blog format. Maybe though. I have read more biographies of victim souls, found more obscure ones out there. They always help. Read the biographies of those who learned to suffer well, to offer their sufferings, to make vows of suffering--for Christ, with Christ, in Christ and for souls.

God you all for a blessed, beautiful, loving, suffering Advent!

Vicitm Soul Thankful for Bishops' Strong Stances

2009-03-26T12:08:00.001-07:00

Am prayerfully thankful for Bishop D'Arcy's stance, and now this statement to Fr. Jenkins by Bishop Olmsted. May there be more to come, as this is a turning point for Catholics. Shine clear lights upon what the Church IS, to be clear lights through, with, in Christ, not only for the world but for foggy Catholics, as well. We must continue to work hard to be heard, harder to be seen witnessing, and most of all to be assured and to assure that prayers will be answered.

What clear-light Catholics can count on are prayer and the Sacraments, unimpeded by disobedience, dissent, and confused contortions of the Faith. Lest we forget that the Most Holy Trinity and the Virgin Mary, angels and saints feel our pain, Christ will have victory in this.

Part of that victory is the very fact that clear-light Catholics are willing to lay all else aside and stand firm for the Truth of the Church, to defend Her, and to be media-politic-culturally martyred if necessary.

There is a supernatural reality, and this is spiritual warfare being finally brought out into the temporal scene. It is more than Lenten Penance. Passion week is coming soon. Who is the victor, always, in this world and for all eternity?

Let us lay our lives down for Christ and His Church: turn away from cunning deceptions of politicians--even of foggy Catholics. Be not afraid to be clear lights of Christ and His Church: obedient, prayerful, and sacrificial. Offer all for God, for what remains worthy if we do not have the Truth? Let the Notre Dame scandal be the light switch for conversion.

Obama Nation: an Abomination

2009-03-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

Dropping back into the temporal Catholic world to briefly comment that today's Gospel clarifies that we are to follow God, that we are to be clear witnesses to Who He IS and what we believe through Christ, with Christ, in Christ.

The recent legislation, the unprecedented spending, the horrors against human dignity and life, and even the cutting of charitable giving tax credits make clear we are dealing with darkness against what is holy, good, decent and TRUTH.

This is our Lenten Agony. As Catholics, the world, believe it or not, looks to see if we believe and live what we have been Baptized, to what we have been Confirmed, to what we avow at each Mass, to Him Who we receive, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity.

It is a time for Catholics who are clear in what the Church teaches, to engage unclear Catholics, deceived and foggy Catholics, as to the TRUTH. We must employ the Spiritual Works of Mercy to all:

Admonish sinners
Instruct the ignorant
Counsel the doubtful
Comfort the sorrowful
Bear wrongs patiently
Forgive injuries
Pray for the living and the dead

The Corporal Works of Mercy speak for themselves, as well and are endangered for the most vulnerable.

The invitation of Obama to speak at Notre Dame University commencement as well as to be honored there, is a turning point opportunity for Catholics to rise up out of the pews if they are in them, or to rise up out of deception if not. We must be clear-light witnesses to the Way, the Truth, the Life. Right is always right, and perhaps we needed this abomination to occur in order to uphold that which is sacred and true.

Victim Souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus: now is an opportunity to offer all suffering and a willingness to die so much to self as to speak, act, think, believe, witness Christ and His Church to all. Offer all for Christ and Holy Mother Church. Pray for conversions of souls. Pray for the strength and perseverance in our Bishops and the Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI.

Losing All One's Blood

2008-08-23T18:07:00.000-07:00

The da gave this to nothing several years back. St. Padre Pio is a favorite of many! The da said Padre Pio was snappy with some Catholics who came to him in confession. Nothing said, "Wouldn't you be if you could read souls and have to deal with their lies over and over, plus have horrific pain day and night?" The da supposed he would.

What St. Pio said (when not yet a saint!) is so true: A victim must lose all his blood in order to be a victim.

Nothing is once again considering what the Saint's Beloved Mother, his Guardian Angel, and Others said to him.

There are all kinds of ways a victim can lose all his blood. And there are various aspects of blood that don't mean the life-giving liquid that God created for the body's survival.

A victim must lose all its blood, as in the martyrs. A victim must lose all its blood in the sense of worth in the world, or function, esteem, physical stamina, mental acuity, outer appearance, desires, being scrutinized or suspect, relationships, and so forth. It could be a loss of blood in financial circumstances, jobs and career, spousal upset, personal abuse, emotional and behavioral disorders, accidents. It could be in the spiritual realm, including temptations and falls to sins of all sorts that humble the person, inside and out.

Today, it seems that nothing is yet grappling with losing its blood in respect to not being functional in the TCW (temporal Catholic world), and wonders why God sends some out into another world. Of what use to the TCW are those latter types? Seems as if they are always in trouble, having odd experiences, being misunderstood or even envied, for pity's sake.

Victim souls may find similar issues, as mostly they keep their vocation on the QT. Just causes a lot of stir and incredulity among others. Hard enough to keep the wits about oneself when suffering, and to keep doubts away and faith strong and steady. To keep suffering, to keep losing one's blood (in one way or another), to battle the devil, to feel embarrassed in trying to describe or get help from those in charge of the TCW--it is nothing anyone would choose for themselves, truly. That is why it is a vocation: a call from God.

But Catholics accept the call, in love. There is a great love of God and desire to do His will, no matter what. Yes, NO MATTER WHAT. No matter if one loses ALL HIS BLOOD, no matter what kind of blood.

Losing all one's blood means becoming nothing.

The da said the other day that the ones around there who thought they were something, hot-shots, out in the TCW, grow old and just die off. And even if they thought they were somethings in the place where they were growing old, they die, and the ones around them, still living, often don't speak of them again, even though the deceased graves are just a couple hundred yards from where the remaining live bodies eat their meals. So he said, "Yes, we truly are nothing, whether we realize it or not."

It is as well to offer to donate one's blood in whatever way God might desire it. Allow the blood to be let. It has a lot to do with accepting humiliations, accepting whatever transpires in daily transactions and experiences, and humbly submitting, as one lays out the arm at the Red Cross when giving blood. Except there they let you choose right or left arm for them to stick with the needle.

A victim soul ought generously give its blood to God, allows itself to be bled. Sometimes this happens quickly, but most of the time it is a slow-drip process. Padre Pio had a huge crucifixion in one fell swoop when a young man, but there were lots of slow-drip sufferings before, and 50 years of bleeding following, right up until his death.

One is not considered a victim until it loses all its blood. So said the Beloved Mother, Padre Pio's guardian angel, and many others (and we can figure those others to be saints who talked to Padre Pio on a regular basis).

More Speaking of Pain

2008-08-21T05:20:00.001-07:00

[The caryopteris got huge this year. Didn't realize to cut it back--way back--in the spring and just gave it a gentle trim. This is but one small portion of a huge bush, now blooming blue nerve endings, shooting out, bringing color to that section of the Mary Gardens of Agnus Dei. Much of our sufferings are but small portions of something larger and shooting out, affecting not only our own bodies and souls but others out there, somewhere, living or dead or to come. That is why it is so important to learn to suffer, to learn to love to suffer and suffer to love.]

So the confessor explained this morning that if one speaks of pain in a way that will help others, or in some good way, and not just go on and on about it without any point other than of self, that it is all right. And, at least this is nothing Catholic victim soul's intention. But it would like to strive to speak less of its personal pain, and please the Lord (hopefully) more in sharing about the process of pain, and share about temporal as well as mystical pain.

But now more ways in which to ingrain oneself with suffering holyniques. Have holy water fonts in every room; keep a bottle of holy water on the nightstand. Wear a scapular at all times, and a Miraculous Medal; keep a rosary under your pillow, and if you cannot pray it, grasp it. Have any other holy reminders: statues, prints, relics, holy cards, medals, photo of Pope--all blessed.

Keep handy the Bible, Catechism, and other lectio divina--and don't forget saint books. Not only keep these handy, but have read them and keep reading, for in suffering, often it is not possible to read. Have the words of God imprinted in your body, mind, heart and soul. Be comfortable in advance, of hearing your voice call out affective prayers and ejaculations of holy love of the Most Holy Trinity, Mary, the angels and saints. Praise Him!

Don't stop sharing the experience of suffering, with the confessor and/or spiritual father. They are used to it! God gives them special graces to listen, and they do know, they do comprehend, at a holy level, in that level of compassionate understanding even if not having specific answers as to what the Lord is doing, exactly, or how long O Lord, or what if, when, and why. But a priest does know exactly that the Lord does not give us suffering because we have sinned. Although suffering often comes as a result of our sins, as consequence. And suffering is purgative; and in that sense, it is very beneficial for any one who grasps the benefits with much gratitude and appreciation. Be grateful and appreciative, and go to confession and Mass. Receive the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick.

Try not to let others, in general, see that you are suffering. Get up, take a hot shower--all for God. Dress for going to the wedding feast, and be prepared! Smile on the way to Mass, pray, go in walking as if no suffering is occurring at any other level or realm. Remain recollected, in peace, with that little smile--and make it a large smile if someone looks at you, for that person may need your large smile right then. Smiles say "You, my brother or sister in Jesus Christ, my fellow Catholic, are loved by God and by me, no matter what."

If the pain is horrendous inside, then pray to the Lord, "No theatrics, please. Keep me hidden." Maintain your focus as best you can, and ask the Lord in advance for any intention He desires for reception of His Body and Blood. Whatever thought-flashing comes, offer that. When the priest holds up His Body, offer your own body--and if you feel as if your own body is rather a mess of pain, and that Jesus doesn't need your pain-filled body and/or mind, offer it anyway, for He is used to pain. He experiences pain as pure joy and love.

Or, if you'd rather, offer your heart. Place your heart on that paten, and then give Him your blood, too, when the priest lifts up the Cup of Jesus' blood. Offer it all for Jesus to use as He wills--even if there is a part of you that thinks, "Here, take it, for I really don't want my sick body or my blood." And then apologize, and say, "I offer it for You, Lord, and for all souls, and am grateful for whatever body and blood You have given me, and for whatever reason." What the Lord wills for us is always perfect. He has us as He desires in His perfection of willing.

Utilize whatever temporal means to keep going--even if it is keeping going by lying in bed calmly, or lying on the sofa, or using an ice pack or taking over-the-counter meds or prescription meds, or forcing yourself to eat when you are urpy, or not eating, and making sure you drink lots of water, if you are in a country in which you can get water or any medical helps, or even have a bed or sofa, hot water, a shower. Many people do not. Think on them, and pray for their sufferings, and then praise God for having an ice pack and a freezer, for electricity and the means to pay the bill. Praise Him!

Then force yourself to make other acts of love. These "acts" can all be done in thoughts or in nearly immobile movements. A glance of the eye, listening, that little smile, a touch, a word spoken of love. Or, these can all be done within, using inner sight, inner ear, inner voice.

Perhaps this sounds like too much to remember, but remember this: If souls would expend a little effort preparing for their inevitable suffering in a good, holy, Catholic way, utilizing the vast Catholic gifts the Church gives us, and even makes preparatory vows of suffering (such as might be in earlier posts), then suffering can become quite a beautiful experience, or at least an adventure in which one can make improvement by increments. It becomes autonomic suffering. This helps the suffering to transition into joy and love.

And if your confessor or spiritual father places his hands on your head as he gives absolution or a blessing, hold very still,and absorb the power of a priest's hands on your head, and take it in, for the healing and care and supernatural understanding that those hands impart, flowing into one's body and blood, from the Holy Spirit, in a way similar to how one ought absorb the supernatural and natural power when entering into Christ's Body and Blood in the Eucharist. And praise Him!

If you need to speak about your pain, go first to God and tell Him all. If you need help, call out to Mother Mary, any saint that comes to mind, your guardian angel and any other angels. Call out to the poor souls in purgatory, especially doctors and nurses who might be there, or if the suffering is financial, to bankers and mortgage lenders, or whoever fits the bill. Call out to your deceased relatives and friends, and also make a call to a living friend--first through a prayer to God for help. Then wait patiently but with great expectation, and pay attention to how God will answer. Sometimes He will say, "Pick up the phone and call for temporal help." Maybe He will even add, tenderly, "...you silly goose."

And then, again, Praise Him!

Speaking of Pain

2008-08-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Just thinking about the crosses that people bear. Everyone does, and prayer and penance helps.

Does speaking of pain help? Someone brings up valid points as to sharing the realities of one's sufferings. Perhaps there is a commonality expressed, and also there may be example given: how to deal with suffering in a holy manner, and how not! And, in any given person's life, there are no doubt admixtures of both.

For the Catholic--we are to suffer like the saints. We are to suffer like the Blessed Mother. We are to suffer like the apostles and martyrs. We are to suffer like CHRIST!

The person shared about various saints, including St. Therese of Lisieux. She did write about her pain. The person rightly pointed out that often the saints' revelatory writings are to be found in their personal correspondence. And usually, there is seen in reading their letters to others, a progression in suffering, of being able to watch them rise from selfish suffering of the baser human instincts, to heroic suffering in a kind of selflessness.

Perhaps it is the progression that is the joy in suffering, or an aspect of the joy. It demonstrates the person is striving toward and desiring union with Christ's salvific suffering.

Was going to try to not mention the pain, and that might help to not think of it. But when a person has steady, physical pain, or those who have steady emotional pain, it is probably not possible to not think of it, unless one passes out or falls asleep exhausted, or has some kind of ecstasy! Maybe some of the saints' ecstasies were God's way of lifting them out of the intense, human suffering.

Probably many who suffer have had experiences in which God sent help in supernatural ways. Perhaps an angel came in the night and injected the person with some kind of pain reliever. Or maybe there were other Divine consolations that made the suffering more endurable.

But as one goes along the victim soul path, a ways, the consolations are fewer, it seems. This is for a good reason. The victim soul is being trained in strength, endurance, and faith--at all levels: body, mind, heart and soul.

If the victim soul recognizes this, and anticipates that this is training time, the victim soul can cooperate. The recognition of such training helps the victim soul remain calm and patient. In many instances, the person does not know if the suffering will be relieved or not, soon, later, or ever.

Questions arise. They begin with basic needs and move up the hierarchy from physical to emotional/psychological, to intellectual and finally spiritual needs. How will the person manage the household tasks? How will the person handle not being able to do what it used to be able to do? What will be the mental ramifications of this change in existence or in the suffering itself? What is God doing? Why is He willing and allowing this added suffering?

Best to put those questions aside for awhile, and simply wait and pray. Keep trying to do little things, to remain as functional as possible. If one cannot, then the questions will often be answered by those God sends, human or angelic. Figure that one lesson God desires the victim soul to learn, is detachment.

Instead of thinking of what might happen and when, or how long, O Lord--think about prayer intentions of other people. If the pain is such that one cannot focus on specifics, pray for whoever God knows has the greatest needs. Let the mind be suspended and see who God brings into the inner sight. Keep assuring the Lord that whatever He wills, is fine and dandy. And think that you really believe it! And truly, all is fine and dandy.

Say, "When I'm on my death bed, am I going to worry about it?" And if you are on your death bed, say, "There are far worse things in life than death."

Well, maybe not say these things, but keep a sense of humor, anyway. And keep that sense of detachment alive and well, whether living or dying.

Don't count on certain deadlines, but have some goals. If your dear spiritual da wants you to visit on a certain day, set the appointment. If it comes to that day, and you are still suffering much, call and set a day at his convenience for the next week. Make going to Mass a goal, and if you absolutely physically cannot go, watch Mass on EWTN, and if you don't have that, listen to it on radio or computer, and if not that, read Scripture, and if you cannot read due to too much suffering, think Scripture, or ask someone to read Psalms to you, and if there is no one with you, then ask God to fill your mind with loving thoughts, loving words, beautiful music. Think love. Think of all the love in your life, and of all the loving people and glorious gifts in this world and in God's kingdom. Don't forget to LOL, and if you are too pained to LOL, then think laughter, for there is laughter in dying, and on the way to heaven.

If you become over-peopled, and tire from a phone call or cannot correspond easily or at all, then think the thoughts of love and prayer of people, and know in faith that someday, even if they do not understand why you have not been in touch with them, that they will know from God that you thought of them with love and prayer.

And then, after all that and other ways of good suffering, loving and functional suffering, if there is time left and you have a need, speak of your pain. But it is worth practicing not, for if a someone calls and asks how you are feeling, and if it really doesn't matter for it isn't going to change how your are feeling and you know the other person isn't going to comprehend the pain, anyway, just gloss over it and ask them about their lives.

But if you need help in something, then ask, and explain if necessary that you have not been well, and cannot do this or that and so forth.

And count on God to water the plants, if you absolutely cannot; but if you can even water two or three, and that is good as a little goal and to get some fresh air and move about, then try. And get in the habit of making an offering before doing anything, even before having thoughts, and offer the intentions for souls. It is also good to say the prayer intention that the angel told the three children of Fatima: O Jesus, I offer this for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners, and for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary.

Learn these techniques and prayers ahead of time. Have them ingrained so that they can come naturally in time of greater suffering. Remember, too, that smiling does help reduce pain, even if you are smiling alone in your bed, or as you go to sleep. Practice a nice smile when you are able to go to Mass, for think of how Jesus looks out at us from His Tabernacle, and sees such serious, sometimes grumpy faces with down-turned lips. Old people especially get these drooped lips, so it takes an act of the will for that tiny smile, a pleasant countenance. Practice this smile.

If you are besieged by sudden suffering and have not practiced techniques that saints have exemplified (such as suffering in silence or not letting on and being other-centered more and more), then begin practicing them with the first pain, whether physical or emotional. It can even be the suffering of financial hardships--both physically and emotionally painful.

Maybe tell your confessor that you feel so sick, that it has been hell, that you don't know what is going on and what God is doing, and that you no doubt are suffering for your many sins, as it is all right to be open to thinking about how one has sinned when one is suffering--as long as you don't make yourself scrupulous about them. Keep that little smile handy, and think about how good it will feel to have those sins washed away in confession. Laugh in triumph that the sins were brought to the surface in suffering (maybe as a result of pain), as God is victorious in your soul! Maybe tell your spiritual da how sick you've been, and ask his prayers, but only if it will not unduly distress him.

If you must release the pain through verbalization and expression, write it in a kind of journal, and remember to praise God, or bring the pain to some spiritual point, lovingly and joyfully. And don't worry if you don't seem joyful. God knows that you are trying to suffer as well as possible and are cooperating with the training session in victimsoulhood.

[The cross in the photo, on the left, is a bishop's cross. It has a special name, but am too tired to think of it. But have been thinking and praying about bishops, and the one in this diocese, and how many crosses he carries for the Lord and His Church, daily and nightly. Our bishop stays up quite late at night, working at his humble home, handling problem after problem that we sheep cause. His cross reflects immense light, for God is pleased with him.]

To Suffer or Die

2008-08-19T12:46:00.001-07:00

St. Teresa, St. Mary Magdalene d'Pazzi, and some other victim souls of that time period, prior, and after, said this and similar sentiments.

This morning drove into early Mass, ice pack for the drive. Decided to not allow the ice pack into Church, as it can cause others to perhaps notice am not feeling well. Somehow, over the last 13 years (coming up this Friday) of being Catholic, events transpired to cause a great desire to be unnoticed. By going to early Mass, it was hoped the body would be more fresh, as yesterday's noon Mass attendance was full of suffering. It's a plan. Seemed to go better this morning, but the drive home incurred a bit much traffic.

During Mass, nothing was reminded of these saints' declarations. The words "to suffer or die" echoed down the spiritual genetic mapping, from those to whom we are connected in our Faith.

So nothing repeated the prayer, asking Jesus to let it be crucified once and for all, if it be His will. It wants to know if it should continue the ordeal of leaving the hermitage, or if this level of pain is something nothing needs to adapt to as a higher degree of suffering, or if it can die.

An adult daughter called and asked if nothing was alive, but that was because she and her family had made plane reservations to visit these parts in November, and had e-mailed that, and had not heard back. No, nothing had not seen the e-mail. Not even the adult children can quite comprehend the degree of pain--and nothing certainly does not want them to, or anyone.

For nothing can't quite comprehend the degree of pain the schizophrenic friend is enduring, of the elderly man who had a full bladder of infected urine, with nursing home folks unable to get a catheter in place. Nothing cannot comprehend the degree of pain in those who are depressed, or in the man who has asthma and weight problems and thyroid and now a torn cartilege. Or in the woman who is dying of cancer, lesioned all through her brain. Nothing can't fully comprehend the suffering of those souls who do not love Jesus, or do not know Him, or do not want to know Him. Or of those who are angry, hungry, lonely, misplaced, abused, paralyzed.

An hour of editing, finally, and thus more souls suffering from consumer fraud, out-of-control debt, foreclosures, elder-scams, rip-offs of the uneducated and unintelligent, of immigrants and youth.

Back to the thoughts of morning Mass, as the priest preached a stellar homily on the Word of God through Ezekiel, the psalmist and of Himself, to us, sitting (yee-ow) in the pews.

Suffer or die. Well, Lord, am not dead yet in the physical way. And am definitely suffering. So, it has been Your choice, and so it is to suffer, but if it is to die, that's fine. For it has been made clear it is going to be suffering or death. May as well suffer, then, for that is what is for now.

Do realize that the saints spoke the words as a courageous call, and nothing repeats them with a touch of irony and humor. It isn't as if at this point there is a way out of the suffering, and there isn't death at this moment, anyway.

But there is a kind of gratitude for the suffering, all the same, and a definite worth and value to suffering. Nothing tells the Lord it is grateful for all of it and any, and bring whatever more suffering, if it is helping any of these souls in such great pain. And nothing will try to do better with the suffering, to settle into it, and to keep going. Focus on stability and stillness.

How to proceed? In love! Pray for selflessness in suffering. Smile, listen carefully to the priest's homily and the consecration. When the sacristan points the annoying distraction for nothing to go to one side of the altar to assist with distribution of the Precious Blood, be agreeable, do not let on the interior agony, and know that God will provide the equanimity of body and soul.

Drive back to Agnus Dei. Set out a sprinkler. Then lie down with ice pack and read morning office. Set another sprinkler, then lie down with ice pack to read correspondence. Move one sprinkler, then ice pack while cousin calls. Tell cousin about how the devil will do all to bring discouragement, and that one must fight against any negative thoughts. Relates it to job change for cousin, of which the news upset the summer break. Move another sprinkler. Ice pack and write. Put small load of laundry in washer. Move sprinkler. Ice pack and write some more. Too much pain to bake peach cockaigne and no peaces set out to ripen, anyway. Eat a banana. Ice pack. Hang laundry on rack in sun. Ice pack. Move sprinkler. Ice pack and finish writing. Pray about all the people that come to mind, which are many. Pray for those who do not come to conscious mind. Ponder suffering while turning off water; too hot now to be watering. Tell the Lord it is all right if this level of pain is the next stage. Praise the Lord after reading Tobit 13, for praising Him has "suffered" lately.

Eat a little rice with kidney beans and a dollop of Madras curry sauce, microwaved. Get into bed and hold rosary, begin to pray. Too much pain to focus. Rest. Get up and see that the one who nothing had so horribly hurt from that behemoth sideways cross five or more weeks ago, has sent a few words. Nothing responds in gratitude for hoped-for forgiveness. But nothing is grateful for the lesson learned, and a life-long lesson to be practiced, like Rosa Mystica harp that patiently waits for nothing to learn, and practice. These first words from this person spell a success.

Then a phone call from someone who nothing has been praying for (and offering suffering). Success. Even the phone call yesterday morning means a success for the friend who is now willing to go to the psych ward. Even being able to do small tasks between ice-packs is success. And the biggest is having endured the pain of going to Mass, to be reminded of the call to suffer (or die), and either one is acceptable to nothing, for it is what God has chosen, either one, and both. And in some ways, both at the same time.

There seems to be success in the suffering--that God is letting nothing know. And there have also been loving exchanges from others who previously were strangers to nothing's temporal ken. Now they are known souls in the Body of Christ. Real live Catholics out there, and nothing finds itself praying for them, for their families, for their needs and intentions. And offering its suffering, even if so tiny in even the partial spectrum of suffering.

Amazing how God gave the stamina for nothing to endure pain of four hours in a hospital ER to help the elderly couple. Suffering works.

A nothing-needs-to-improve, big time--
Once nothing asked its confessor about someone with cancer, and her suffering--was there pain in such-and-such a location? He said that he wouldn't know, for she wouldn't be one to ever say if it hurt there or not.

Nothing was humbled, and this siege has thought much about this religious, and how she evidently does not complain at all about her suffering. Nothing wants to think that surely she complains to her family or to the confessor, but probably not. Nothing aspires to be like that, or like the confessor and spiritual da who celebrate Mass even if ashen-faced from virus or instable on feet from age and crooked spine and poor heart. Not to complain.

Part of nothing's suffering is the often-times spiritual aspects, the night work, and the various souls. But so? Still nothing could NOT complain of any pain. Is complaining of suffering, or even talking about it or writing about it, and especially of showing it (meaning maybe one should just stay in if it appears to be suffering)--is that another sideways cross, or at minimum one of those things that the Lord does not like about nothing's vocational practices?

Is it act-of-the-will time and get out the ax and torch to hack and burn a possible sideways cross?

When a person dies, he or she is not sharing about suffering. Well, maybe the souls in purgatory are, in those cases that the Lord has them tell some mystic about their experiences, as a warning to the living. When a person suffers, especially one called by God to suffer, and who has agreed and has offered to suffer, should that person, then, tell others, even any one person such as a confessor or spiritual da, or write about it?

To suffer or die! To suffer, it is, now! And maybe to suffer in SILENCE. Would the stairway to heaven allow for talk about pain? Doubtful. Am settling into suffering, more and more. It becomes comfortable as death.

[The Japanese Blood grass is of the perennial variety, and if nothing lives to spring desires to plant two more clumps along the stone edging of Lake Immaculata. A good reminder of Jesus Who bled for us, and suffered, and died for us, and did so in silence other than words of forgiveness, gifting His mother to us and St. John, and in crying out to Abba, Father, asking the famous question that we might comprehend why suffering may seem from the human view, a spiritual abandonment.]

Message to Anonymous/R: Go in peace

2008-08-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

And yet another comment from you?

"[nothing's given name], you did not answer me. I wasnt to understand how YOU see suffering? Do you like it? do you think God is pleased that you suffer? What, exactly, do you believe you accomplish by it? Do you think that there has to be a constant ammount of suffering in the world, and that is one person suffers less, another must suffer more? Please try to answer specifically. I am aware of the documents you mention, but they do not answer my questions about how you understand things."

No, dear one, nothing is not going to answer you, for you may not need to know until at some point you may be called to suffer and to learn in the school of suffering, and then to understand how you see suffering, and how you suffer suffering, for isn't that the most important question each soul must learn for him- or herself?

Now, nothing kindly notifies you that it is not going to engage further with your comments, no matter how they are written, for good or ill. Your comments will not be posted or commented upon in reference, henceforth. This is a blog, not a public debate forum. Go in peace--this is nothing's prayer for you.

And Yet Another "Other"

2008-08-18T04:54:00.000-07:00

Today there are two more comments, both of the same origin (and perhaps this root has divers offshoots). And this "other" has left comments before and doesn't seem to comprehend that those comments and tone are part of the reason why many Protestants are not impressed with Catholics.

However, the "other" asks questions, perhaps somewhat rhetoric and, from previous comments nothing has received but not posted from this soul, an attempt to bait or engage in a joust. Bl. John (mentioned him in a previous blog) gave up jousting for the love of God. Nothing is not up to jousting, either, but the commenter's questions in themselves, stripped of whatever motives good or ill (and that up to God to determine with that person), have a good in and of themselves.

"[nothing's given name used, to what point?], do you think that God likes people to suffer? Do you think that suffering pleases Him? How do you understand suffering?"

Well, dear friend in Christ Jesus and fellow Catholic, these are good questions. And nothing thinks that what it thinks is no doubt expressed as an outflowing of suffering and how the Lord is teaching nothing in the school of suffering. But what is better for you in an answer, is for you to develop what you think, and read the excellent encyclical by the late Pope John Paul II, Salvifici Dolores, as well as the Pope Pius XII encyclical relative to suffering and devotion to the Sacred Heart, as well as the information under the categories of "pain" and "illness" in The Catechism of the Catholic Church, as well as the various books about and by victim souls. Perhaps you will be interested in the victim soul guidebook that nothing is hoping to have available by Advent.

Your second comment is a request for private information so that you can be an informant of nothing's writing and nothing's self to those who already know nothing. Yes, they are aware of nothing and seem not to make much ado about nothing. Which seems wise on their part, for who would want to be obsessed over nothing? Thank you for your past and current concerns, however, and always pray for me, as I have been praying for you and will continue to do so.

In fact, some might suggest nothing should simply ignore your comments. But did nothing ignore the lovely Vanessa, a young woman unknown to nothing, who came across the parking lot as nothing was hunched in the car, ice-packing forehead and back, waiting for traffic to clear and pain to ease a bit, before attempting the rather simple, seven-mile drive to Agnus Dei? No, nothing thanked this young woman and said it will be all right to drive itself, as the young woman wanted to drive nothing home. And if nothing had not been all right to drive itself, it would have gratefully accepted. But then nothing said it would pray a thanksgiving to God for this young woman, and told her she is quite perceptive, sensitive, and kindly generous--a marvelous Catholic!

Yes, out of all the Catholics at Mass, this one young woman was aware of someone suffering by the side of the parking lot, and came over to offer assistance. So then this lovely young woman said she did need prayers, and would nothing pray for her to get a job, for she has been in real estate, and we all know about that right now.... She would like a job in sales, in the medical field, to be precise, and nothing said it will pray very much for this; and the next time it sees Vanessa, there will surely be good news to share, and we will rejoice! Vanessa beamed. Lord, hear our prayer!

So nothing asks you, the one who asks these questions, has made various nefarious comments and desires to be an informant of nothing, to please (in between the time spent reading the above recommended and any other books you desire on suffering and victim souls in general) pray for this young woman and that God will help her secure a job of her wishes, for she does seem a lovely soul and would be well-placed in connection with the medical field, don't you think?

And anyone else who might read this, please pray for a job for Vanessa, a young Catholic of whom we can be grateful and proud, and take edifying example. (And a prayer for her mother who she says suffers from back pain and for herself who has migraine headaches.)

As Vanessa is a soul who desires prayers, and nothing is a soul who desires prayers, you who keep dropping by with whatever comments now and then, are a soul, and nothing does not discount any souls who God brings to nothing's attention. Love to suffer; suffer to love! God bless you and Mary keep you!

Perhaps the mentioned reading will be helpful to any others who have an interest in learning about suffering and victim souls, from the best of the sources. The Book of Job is so good, too, and Pope John Paul II references this much in his encyclical.

So, thank you for the comments and questions, Anonymous/R and whatever other alias you go by, for all things work for good for those who love the Lord. And I know you love the Lord, but please try to love nothing, also. Nothing loves you and cares about you, and sometimes is concerned as to why the tendency to anger and rancor as expressed in the past comments. So we shall keep praying for one another, all right, my friend? Reading nothing's blogs is not all that beneficial to you or peace inducing, or so it seems.

[The photo is of the first-blooming Gladiolus, planted this spring in the front corner of Our Lady of Fatima Rose Garden. Nothing had to just get those bulbs in the ground somewhere, and knew once grown would need something to support their height. So it put them by the picket fence, in a spot where a rose bush had passed on, prior to nothing deciding to give roses another try. Anyway, that is a picket fence post behind it, and the morning light cast a shadow, and it seems rather a posed posey, as in some kind of indoor setting. But it is out in the light, exposed to the world and the elements, right next to a red rose bush and doing battle with the Japanese Beetles that are yet flying about and landing to chew and destroy leaves and blossoms.

Just last evening nothing went out and had to whack them off the Bishop's Rose and the Vicar General's Rose with a nearby bamboo rod, for nothing could not manage to get the sprayer readied. Maybe today, maybe not: God willing and body able. Those beetles just hang on and on, and even when dusted with Sevens, drop off but others just keep coming. Some people do not grow roses in these parts due to the pesky little Japanese Beetles--which to look at, have shiny wings...are multi-colored and intriguing.

The devil can be like that, seeming to be just a pretty little bug; but the damage it does to that which is simply trying its best to bloom in Mary's Garden--oh my! The Gladiolus, in Medieval Mary Gardens, was also known as Christ's Sword. Am hoping these Christ Swords growing in the rose garden will fend off the Japanese Beetles.]

A Question Asked, an Answer Given

2008-08-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

[...continued from the message of a couple of posts back, "The Loving Touch of His Pain".

The dear man spoke: And can I ask another question?

"You may speak."

And this is a very important question for me. Is this insight and wisdom, is it from energy outside the spiritual center of [name] or is it anenergy that's really from her and speaking her own inner thoughts in a very altered state? Or are these wisdoms coming from a process outside of her body, outside of her soul, outside of this room?

"This has been, indeed, a concern of yours, is it not?"

Yes it has.

"And the answer is quite clear:

"The strength, the wisdom, as you cal it, comes from God the Father and those who love this being very much, and who come from without and settle within the lovely spirit that we have here embodied in this being who now chooses to live on this earth.

"Does that tell you that this being opens her heart to the outer Source of all beingness and energy? And as she in her time of need would call for those such as her beloved grandmother?

"That it is God the Father, the Source of all beingness and energy who allows the outer love to encircle and reside within her inner being? From without to within, and as you hear now, from within to without as you are without her inner being. Is this clear to you?"

The man, a bit shaken by the interchange, continues: I understand the process and...the actual belief of...emanating from the Father and the aspects of...that's very difficult for me.

"As you may picture, then, waht was spoken previously, a figure 8 in a tube 8. And picture either a source of energy that you might know such as water or neon, and that flows through, and that is in three dimensions for you to understand.

"And that this spirit--this entity [name]--that we have here, is a link.

"Yes, you may even picture her body at a juncture point on this figure 8. And it is at juncture point with the lower back that is of such pain to her.

"And the Source, then, of all energy--of the system that is too incomprehensible for your mind as it is on earth to comprehend--this energy flows, and this body is merely at juncture with the source of all life on this earth, and energy without and beyond this earth and planet.

"Does this help you see?"

The man speaks: Could you answer this question? Is there in the future a physical healing for the body of [name]?

"Only in the sense of this body being linked and nurtured by the ever-flowing source of what you call Divine intervention. As for the body that walks the earth, it will indeed know earthly pain."

Is there any reason for this unknown..to be in the conscious mind of [name]?

"Well, yes.

"Of course, she needs the help. She desires the help. And very simply put, she asked for help and she receives because she believes and has a great capacity to believe even more that will come and be shown to her-- for her loving kindness and for her espousal to others."

[The woodland anemone, "sylvestris", greets the dawn, and reminds those who suffer that it is in one's great belief and love of God the Father, that He will come and take us into Himself. As the white bloom, a great light glows and beckons all to believe in God and to place our trust in Him, no matter the suffering, no matter the need. And we praise His Holy Name with great love and faith, for we believe! And the more we believe in God and in even the smallest ways attempt loving kindness, He helps us. This is for everyone!

Faith, hope, and love, and greater love than we can comprehend, like the crown of yellow found within the center of the white woodland anemone bloom.... It is the crown of Christ's love for those who love Him and believe, who are willing to offer Him all our inadequate human pain, love and trust. We do this for love of Christ Who gave His Divine and Incarnate All for all souls, as we pick up the crosses He offers so lovingly, with such exquisite, pain that is sheer joy at other levels.]

For Yet a Little and a Very Little While

2008-08-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

Love this verse and others from Hebrews:

"For yet a little and a very little while, and He that is to come, will come, and will not delay. But my just man liveth by faith; but if he withdraw himself, he shall not please my soul." (Hebrews 10:37-38).

Am getting so used to referring to "self" as nothing, that it seems odd not to, so will on this blog, as well.

Nothing thinks this clump of grasses or reeds, is like a little and a very little while, spiking out like nerve pain emanating from that opening in the body through which enters pain, which courses through the body as love.

A victim soul should not withdraw from pain, although it is very difficult in the face of human suffering. The pain screams sometimes, just like love cries out. Sometimes love is so intense that it takes the microphone and sings acapella, full-voiced. Sometimes it doesn't even need a microphone. Then, at other times, as one accustoms to the love in His pain, it seems to whisper.

Last evening, during Mass, nothing was sick with pain but thankful to drive Stella Maris (name of car its mother purchased for nothing several years ago--with a comfortable seat) seven miles to the Cathedral. During Mass nothing found itself making yet another offering: "Jesus, please crucify me once and for all, if it be Your will--or whenever--for I am ready to die--or I think so, as best I can think anything right now. And I am quite willing to not leave the hermitage ever again, if that be Your will. But You know best and You know all."

Victim souls can make offerings. Anyone can make offerings to Jesus. More blessed to give than receive, the Scriptures tell us.

A little and a very little while, He will come and will not delay. Wake up this morning, and the pain is singing its love song, at first softly and then quite noticeably, and nothing rises and gets some hot tea microwaved, and eats the third day of a peach cockaigne it bakes every five days (with whatever fruit has been on sale). Then it begins to write and write and write, and gimps outside in nightclothes (no one around since both houses on either side are empty at this point), and takes some photos in the Mary Garden, sets the sprinkler, and gimps back in, done in by Jesus' loving, pain touches.

Last night, after Mass, nothing was able to speak with its confessor. Nothing mentions a dear soul met via the blogs, who has e-mailed by the grace of God at this time, and encouraged nothing to get to Mass even if having to drag the body. For nothing yesterday was so depleted, it was ready to withdraw itself. It felt that if it did not get to Mass, it would never go again. No energy, just withdraw and suffer and be thankful to suffer in total solitude. A kind of loving, painful bliss. Nothing was feeling extra solus Deus.

So the confessor said that this person who e-mailed nothing the encouragement to get to Mass no matter what, was a very wise person with very wise advice. He said it was good that nothing listened to that advice. Yes, nothing is grateful to this person. Nothing Catholic victim soul is thankful to have received Christ at Mass and also the insights about Jesus' pain being love.

Then it drove the seven loving painful miles back to Agnus Dei, and there picked up the file from the past, and found yet another little message that seems possibly of benefit to others who suffer, and for anyone, really, for who doesn't suffer or who won't suffer at some time in life?

And nothing also realizes that to bury a gift out of fear, is not what Jesus was teaching in His parable of the talents. Nor is withdrawing what He intended when He allowed the Canaanite woman to beg Him to heal her daughter, and He three times denied until He had brought her faith to fruition. Of course, then He healed the woman's daughter and showed the world for ages to come, that Christ is for all and everyone! He will come, and he will not delay, in a very little while.

A Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus does not withdraw. Nothing explained again to the confessor (after he assured nothing it had not committed mortal sin in its blog writings) that it wants to help others to know some of what victimsoulhood is like, in its very candid and human aspects. Nothing held up the current reading, Marie Anne of L'Agnus Dei, and said, "I want others who suffer to know that Jesus desires many to be willing to offer their sufferings to Him, as victims of His love for souls. The books don't always reveal the doubts, the anxieties, the despairs--the painful, daily, nitty-gritty of what it can be like."

(Am suddenly growing depleted, and will cease what was going to write, and put it in a separate blog, the message of several years ago. Might be helpful to others, as it is a good reminder and encouragement. Nothing is not going to withdraw itself, for it wants to please Him. In suffering, in prayer, in being a good Catholic, in being in process, in love, in faith, in hope, and even in writing.)

"But we are not the children of withdrawing unto perdition, but of faith to the saving of the soul" (Hebrews 10:39).

The Loving Touch of His Pain

2008-08-16T16:25:00.000-07:00

From the files of the past comes this little message.

"I am your humble servant. Yes, the deep blue-violet petunia has a deep brown, cord root. And even though there is much of it exposed to the air and the elements, the root is strong and deep--thicker than one might imagine for such a delicate bloom.

"And your life may not grow in the ways that your exposed petals think it should grow. And one might not recognize the root as belonging to a petunia. But that which is underground is linked to the Source and is nurtured by God and grows by God.

"And whatever elements attack the exposed root and bloom do not affect in the least the root that thrives below the ground in the deep, rich soil. It hangs on and can grow anywhere that God desires it to grow.

"And even withered blooms have magnificent root structures. This never ceases. It is ordained and shall be. "Recall your roots."

"The number 8 presents itself.

"Like a track it keeps going. And it twists and twirls, never ending. Beginning without end. Not flat, but multi-dimensional. Luminescent. Filled with power. And filled with love. "Love is the power that surges and courses through the roots, through the 8.

"Stop thinking and perceiving of it as looking down from above on situations. But stay beneath them in the depth and the richness where your roots take hold firmly. And let the love circle the track and surge through your roots.

"You can be very comforted beneath the surface. Remain there in your strength."

Yes, Lord, in this suffering and in all sufferings, I will try to remain resting beneath the surface. In all of life, let me be hidden beneath the surface. You are there in the roots of infinite, encircling love.

So grateful for the insights given, the loving words which assist in pondering how to endure in any situation. Tonight during Mass, ice-pack being used on the various parts of the body in such pain, praying "please don't let others notice", looking up at the crucifix at Our Lord suffering for everyone and, yes, for me, it became clear how much love there is in His pain, in His offering and sacrifice.

I was touched deeply in the heart with much pain then, and realized it was Jesus touching my heart with love. Love to suffer; suffer to love. Pain in and of Christ, with His love, offered in love, is Christ's loving pain touching us. He touches all of us, but do all of us love His touch in this way? Do we think of HIs love when we are touched by holy pain?

[Sorry about the not-so-focused photo of the deep, blue-violet petunias in the Mary Gardens of Agnus Dei. Gimped out this morning, and morning sunlight intense, and too much pain to hold camera still, and so forth. But perhaps it is best this way, with a thread of the Frankie Boy Arborvitae [think "St. Francis"!] weaving through the upper left, and the reality of the petunia roots somewhere beneath the surface, unseen but there feeding the blooms. Whether or not one sees clearly or as through a fuzzy mirror, the roots thrive. Recall them.]

Dear Friends in Christ Jesus

2008-08-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

The suffering of this pain siege continues, and yet am able to get up, thankfully. It is all very good and as Julian of Norwich said, "And all shall be well." Thank you for prayers, and be assured of mine for all of you.

An interesting development arose, perhaps even expected, and after consultation am going to be in prayer and will not be blogging for now. Will see what the Holy Spirit desires.

God love you, every one of you, and especially a special soul for whom I have prayed and will always continue to pray.

Who Suffers for the Victim Souls?

2008-08-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

This question popped, and the answer is: Jesus.

When the suffering gets to the point of annihilation, or approaching that, from all human perspective, there is but Jesus Who takes the brunt of the load. As He always did and does and will.

Last night, awoke a few minutes prior to 3 a.m. Awakened by the sound of singing, and the song was a hymn, and it was a hymn not often sung at Masses, but yet the words came and had meaning.

In the thick of suffering, now approaching 3 p.m., the words and tune hide behind clouds. Yet the reality remains, and the message, and so there is no doubt about the suffering, no frantic desperation. That doesn't mean no attempts at distraction. Have been painting another picket fence section, laid out on sawhorses in the garage. Praying. Trying to keep the mind off the pain so as to not vomit. Never liked to vomit so mostly never did! Act of the will, in a temporal affect!

Now am writing, for the section needs to dry before painting the reverse. And writing about suffering, and thinking about Jesus taking it from here, for He Is. Thinking about victim souls who were bedridden, and their only distraction was removal of another means, into another world. Am part-way out and on the way. Then, was thinking about practicing what has been written in this blog, and what has been read, and to coach the self to suffer as well as possible, like a runner in a relay, and now ready to hand off to Jesus for the rest of the race.

The hymn. It is being sung in timeless suffering, and the recollection of the voices in the middle of the night, helps assuage the pain enough to tolerate, to think enough to be able to write.

And writing is a good distraction, depending upon what is being written. After all the over-the-counter pain relievers that might possibly take the edge off, gave up on those. Poured a half glass of some awful bubbly kind of wine, purchased a year ago on the discount shelf, local grocery. Maybe that will help settle the stomach?

Too much pain to read, or not yet. Too much pain to attempt to figure out the electronic tuner for the harp, or to tune the harp, to learn a new trick. Not yet. When all thoughts of this or that placid activity turn the stomach and increase the desire to call the confessor or spiritual da--then it is time to just hang in and keep in conversation with Jesus.

A bit ago came a comment, and it led to thoughts about distractions. And previously had been in a fuss about distractions, thinking they should be rid out. Yet now, in addition to the pleasure of suffering for souls, thoughts consider that distractions can be gifts to be utilized in time of need!

One distraction considered was to gut it up and go to the nursery, to get three chamaecyparis out of hock, and return and try to plant them along with the three dwarf evergreens--all in one fell swoop so as to have them spotted in lovely and cohesive, artistic array. But the financial advisor had already sent out the little help check yesterday. That ruled out this distraction option, for now will wait two weeks to plant any of them, unless some inspiration comes for the three that are here now.

Just as well! Too sick to be driving anywhere, even a few miles. Too sick to eat, too sick to even want to sip that bubbly pinot noir. But will, in hopes it will offer the stomach a good and lovely distraction.

Since this suffering came from heaven, as have not lifted anything heavy, not over done, not this or that--and since the voices were singing the appropriate and unexpected hymn in the middle of the night--will lean into the suffering, and utilize the small distractions available, although once at this stage, there is really nothing to do but suffer it and let Jesus take it from here.

The mind, however, and the attitude: remain calm, offer it for whatever Jesus desires and whoever of greatest need in His Sight and Mind, be joyful in the mystery of it all, and keep going in small ways, silently, in stillness and serenity. Be grateful for the gift of distractions--the ones that He chooses to gift. And in a bit, if He so wills, read a little of St. Hildegarde. Lives of saints, especially the old, hardbound larger print books, are soothing and not too mind-rattling. Hildegarde had her suffering, and she also was outstanding in her time for medicinal abilities with herbs.

And think about the ones in the past two days for which a willingness to suffer was offered, and know at least in one or two cases, the suffering is accepted and has had its effect! Praise be to God! And remember Who offers it up for those who offer to suffer: Jesus suffers for the victim souls!

You Will Find Him in Your Pain

2008-08-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

Amazing what messages come when one is alone in the Church, kneeling before the Tabernacle of Christ our Lord. He is there. His mother is there. Angels and saints are there.

Once, several years ago, not long after converting to Catholicism, a visit was made in the afternoon, and there was a great deal of physical pain, and yearning, as well as a questioning to Jesus: "Where are You? It seems You have left me!"

Then, from the Tabernacle which was slightly to the right and ahead, and at the same time from the Mary altar, to the left and front, came two small and airy--yet discernible to the naked eye--whitish puffs. They floated toward the questioner, and then hovering next to each other, stopped, above and in front.

Then a woman's voice spoke from the whitish puff which floated from the Mary altar. Gently, firmly, clearly the words resounded: You will find Him in your pain!

A victim soul must always remember this truth. Our Lord is always present, always with us, and especially, we will find Him in our pain. And that goes for any mortal, any human being, who may wonder where He is, or who feels as if left alone by Jesus. One needn't look far to find Him in one's pain. Those who suffer are not alone in their pain. Perhaps they don't know to look there to find Him.

For there, in the pain, is the peace and joy of loving encounter with Christ.

Victim Soul Offerings: Into the Future?

2008-08-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

Someone asked good questions on a separate blog, and the thoughts to share, now, seem suited to that of the victim soul blog. Here are the questions/comments:

"I have read about suffering to console Jesus, to share His cross, out of love for Jesus, in reparation for the sins of mankind (which brought to mind sins being committed or already committed). Can a victim soul suffer so that a sin may never be committed?

"As an example: could a victim soul have a vocation to suffer so that children would be protected from abuse, that their innocence not be taken from them in any form of evil? That they may be spared and remain wholly God's for a while longer?

"My heart says yes because I have trust and faith in God, but my mind cannot comprehend the logic of it as we all have free will. I know one can stand between God and sinner to obtain forgiveness for the sinner, but can one deflect it from even occurring in the first place somehow thru their sufferings?"

Yes, a victim soul may offer his or her suffering with the intention that a certain sin may never be perpetrated. A victim soul may offer to Jesus any and all sufferings for group categories, specific persons and illnesses and sins--past, present and future. God's realm is timeless.

Will the offering made keep someone from sinning or keep someone from being harmed? That is all up to Divine providence and includes humankind's free will.

My confessor (thankfully returned but himself not feeling well, so this one offered the gut-sickening pain of this week along with some prayers to the Virgin Mary, asking for his relief and recovery, citing his many important responsibilities in the Diocese) commented that it is well for a victim soul to offer the suffering for the person or persons who God knows need it most.

Also, there seem to be levels of progression for victim souls in their offerings and work. At one level, the victim soul offers for specific persons and/or groups or categories, usually known. At another level the victim soul offers for specific groups or categories, but not specifically known. At yet another level the victim soul simply offers the suffering and/or offers to suffer, for whatever and however the Lord has need, for souls, for situations, for sins, for reparation, for love of Him. This latter is the level to which a victim soul does well to strive and attain.

Sometimes the Lord allows the victim soul to know for whom or what category the suffering has been utilized. Perhaps He does this to encourage the victim soul, as a kind of consolation. But often and perhaps most often, the victim soul suffers in blind faith; and this is best to not expect any feedback and to squelch curiosity. Just do the work of suffering and be thankful for it, keeping in mind it never approaches Christ's suffering but is all the same pleasing to Him!

A good offering to make is not only for future victims of suffering or sin but also for the prior conversion of the one who may perpetrate an evil. As the questioner suggests, this all must be offered and the suffering effected, in faith, without knowing outcomes.

The same goes for suffering offered for souls of the past and sufferings and evils of others of the past.

(We may never know or fathom how many sins and sufferings were and are alleviated and also averted as a result of the work of victim souls all over the world, in various centuries. But we know from some victim soul saints, that this is so, for the Lord showed them some results of their offerings and sufferings.)

At some point, the victim soul may sense within, from the Lord or His messenger, that the victim soul is to offer suffering or to suffer for a particular group, cause, or individuals. This takes the victim soul yet further from self and allows and agrees to the suffering without personal preference. However, it is not wrong to suggest and offer to suffer for those causes and cases close to our hearts. These may very well be the ones for which Jesus wants us to offer and suffer.

Or, there may be something or someone that we would not have thought of, or felt desirous of suffering for that cause or person! Then we know that Jesus is in charge of the who, what, where, when and why of victim soulhood!

And that is where the crux of this cross stands: Ultimately, we become victims of love, willing holocausts, agreeable and cooperative immolations. We take the assignments as they come, not seeking that which is beyond us or above our means. We remain with hearts and bodies open to whatever the Lord desires to bring in suffering, having told Him that we are willing to offer all, no matter the agony. And even if that agony is that He does not seem to utilize us often or at all!

Nonetheless, the victim soul continues to make offerings of every detail of every day that can be offered to the Lord for souls! Sort of like: the right hand knoweth not what the left hand doeth! Give without expecting anything in return. Go in faith.

For example, one is suffering. Assume in love and joy that the Lord is utilizing that suffering since one has made a victim soul offering. Or, perhaps one has had a glimpse interiorly of some group or persons--even in a dream!--and then feels a strong desire and draw to offer to suffer for the same. Then some suffering comes along--perhaps not physical; maybe it is an emotional suffering such as feeling down, or a financial hardship, or a sorrow within one's family or friendship base, or a spiritual suffering such as a sense of abandonment or rejection. Without doubting, know that the Lord is utilizing the suffering, so be sure to suffer it as well as one can! Even in that, know that if one does not suffer as well as one would like, it is suffering, and the victim soul offered it and tried to suffer well. If the suffering didn't go so well and there was complaining, doubt, or fear--offer that!

And don't ask to know if the suffering effectuated the prevention of, for example, a child being abused, or if it caused the conversion prior of one who would have abused, or if it kept a child's innocence and closeness to God preserved for a longer time. Try to not even think of it. The Lord will know if the victim soul needs encouragement, and He will provide the encouragement necessary, according to His will and pleasure.

The sufferings of a victim soul may be utilized for souls and for past sufferings and sins. Think of the souls in purgatory who are in this category! Think of Jesus' sacrifice being re-enacted daily in the timelessness of God, on the altars of Catholic Churches all over the world. So, yes, past and future and very much present: offer to suffer, offer any and all sufferings, and offer to be ignored in the offerings, if God so wills.

A person may have an interior inclination that it is to offer to be a victim soul, for example, for priests in a Diocese. If so, then offer this and agree to it. Then even if a priest is in a terrible predicament of sin, and the suffering so detestable: offer oneself. Learn to love to suffer, suffer to love. And the best way to learn to love to suffer is by suffering, over and over and over, and particularly for that which is most difficult to suffer. Even if a priest has a virus, offer to suffer for the relief of that virus, or to be given that virus vicariously, or to offer chronic suffering for that soul.

If the Lord does not need the offering, He doesn't have to accept! That doesn't mean one should stop offering the suffering for good intentions and purposes. And, in God's timeless realm, one might find oneself suffering at some other time, long after the offering was made. And, always, part of the suffering is utilized in the purgation of one's own sins.

Offer, offer, offer. Past, present, future. No questions asked. No answers needed. Sacrifices of praise, suffering becomes!

[These are thoughts submitted by this victim soul, after prayer, augmented by some years of reading and vicarious suffering, and after today's consultation with the regular confessor. Hope it is pleasing to the Lord and agreeable to His purposes.]

Did Jesus Have Particular Friendships?

2008-08-01T07:42:00.001-07:00

An outstanding comment was left on a blog in which I had written about not having particular friendships. The person simply wrote, "Jesus had particular friendships." This caused me to ponder anew on this aspect of Christ and to review points of Scripture. The pondering is going to be for awhile, and it is very good.

I'll have to ask Him if they were "particular". We only have the view from those who wrote of the experience with Him. Yet we have revelations of the saints showing His love of all and not seeming any more than others. But closeness, perhaps this is better what we could mean. (Semantics can be rough waters of expression sometimes!).

Jesus is close to all, but all are not close to Him. It is a matter of perspective, and who was it who wrote "the disciple who Jesus loved"? It was St. John who wrote that. Now that I think of it, I guess I never read in Scripture the expression from Jesus that He was more particular with this one or that. We can infer from His asking James, John and Peter to go up the mountain with Him and to witness the Transfiguration, or that He was particularly close to Peter in giving Him the keys to the Kingdom!

Yet who knows if that was His having particular friendships or of loving all, and yet of needing to rely on some for certain reasons, for certain tasks.

He did say that Mary chose the better part, but was His friendship particular to the exclusion of closeness to anyone else--who desired closeness with Him?

This has brought up a good point of ponderance: Did Jesus have "particular" friendships--or at least in the way "I" might think of particular friendships--or is it the perspective that "I" might have on Jesus' "friendships"?

As for "Harold" [reference in a previous post], that was a friendship that the other perceived was "particular", and thus the thoughts grew to behold that particular friendships are in the mind of the one who desires to be particularized! And this is not always such a good thing....It can create much spiritual and temporal distraction and be emotionally unhealthy.

Seems that the most antithetical of the Pharisees, were no less particular friends to Jesus--but they thought themselves not at all His particular friends. But does Jesus make a person a "particular" friend, or does the person perceive that relationship (or not) for him- or herself?

Then, we look in on the scene and make the assumption from our human observations.

Who are my mother, brother, sister? So it seems from the words spoken, these were not what we would view as courting specialty but more generality. He seemed to be making a point: that anyone who does the will of God--who chooses in particular, God--is His particular friend. And that could be and is anyone, and maybe that is why I cannot conclude that He Himself had particular friendships. I just do not know that He did.

Let us pray and ask Him to make it more clear. But perhaps the answer lies within motive of the person--and I've often wondered why St. John would refer to himself as the "disciple Jesus loved"--if St. John didn't very well understand that Jesus loves everyone. Aren't we taught this--unconditional love, pure love, eternal love?

Admittedly, though, there are those who are closer to us than others--but if one is spiritually detached, then one is close to this one or that only because this one or that has need by God's will to be in one's life at this or that juncture. It may be a temporal nearness. Spiritual nearness is another matter, and in that, the nearness thrives from spiritual indifference!

Particular friendships can be rather elusive. Jesus did choose this or that disciple, and He continues throughout the ages in His saints. Yet, was it for particular friendship or for a Divine purpose?

The comment brought up such a good point, but I guess I'm not ready to simply say that Jesus had particular friendships, although we may be viewing "particular" in a different way.

I do admit that I have a particular friendship with Jesus, but if He has a particular friendship with me, it is because then He has particular friendships with everyone--or that capacity. And, perhaps this is the better point, I then should consider all in the world, souls living and dead, as particular friends.

Now I will ponder this all day, and it is very good to do so. And to root out any who I do not love in particular, yet still not allow myself to be "particularized" by any given individual. No hugs for any particulars who desire to be particularized, as that is not spiritually free. Jesus did not particularize his own family members, yet if they loved and did the will of God, they were family. He did not exclude, them, either--unless the point needed to be made.

Should we do likewise?

[Pictured is the tomb of St. Jane Frances de Chantal, in the Convent of the Visitation, Annecy, France. She is known by others (perhaps assumed by others?) to have had a particular friendship with St. Francis de Sales, and vice versa. But as in the spiritual friendship of Bl. Jordan and Bl. Diana, the letters extant from St. Francis and Bl. Jordan also indicate similar expressions of "particular" love to others with whom they were in correspondence. Spiritual love, then, seems not to particularize one over another, for all are elevated to the spiritual heights in which the mother, brothers, sisters in the mystical Body hear and heed the will of God. They are through Him, with Him, in Him. Perhaps it is our human non-union status that allows us to assume a kind of particular love, a humanized particularity. Did St. John write in Revelation at the same level as in his Gospel--or even in the Letters of John? He seems to have grown to a union with Christ that did not refer to people in particular views. It seems very much, regarding particular friendships, that the designation is made by those who approach the other with need to be a particular friend. In Scripture, from what I can see, it is the humans who pointed out Jesus' closeness to this or that person, and what does Jesus say about it? I can't recall that Jesus said this one was the one I loved over that one. He seems to have loved Judas as much as John, but John loved Jesus more (at least in certain moments and actions), and thus appeared from our view and others' to be a particular friend. If St. Francis and St. Jane had particular friendship, it seems to be at those times when they were in that mode yet, of human particularity. Later, they rarely saw each other, and it was with others that St. Francis met and spoke prior to his death. It seems that he and Jane had transcended particularity in friendship, one to the other. And that seems to be the point for me--to transcend particular friendships. Seems as if Jesus shows the way for that, as particular friendships in my life (from my perspective or sometimes from some other person's) have been neutralized by spiritual detachment, which has been achieved by earthly decisions and unearthly clearings!]

"Why Is My Pain Continuous?"

2008-07-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

"Why is my pain continuous, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? You have indeed become for me a treacherous brook, whose waters do not abide!"

"Thus the Lord answered me: 'If you repent, so that I restore you, in my presence you shall stand; If you bring forth the precious without the vile, you shall be my mouthpiece. Then it shall be they who turn to you, and you shall not turn to them; and I will make you toward this people a solid wall of brass. Though they fight against you, they shall not prevail, for I am with you, to deliver and rescue you, says the Lord.'"

So here we have it, from Jeremiah 15: 18-20. It spoke to me this morning at Mass. Nearly could not get to Mass, so heavy the spirit hovering from the early hours, and yesterday. The Chinese Yew (pictured from the Mary Gardens, backdropped by yellow yarrow) is like the Lord's backbone giving strength to Jeremiah's.

Pondered these words of Jeremiah and the Lord, and realized must go to confession--again. All the sins must be repented, for the Lord desires to restore me, to have me stand in His presence, to speak what He wills. And He will bring others, not me to them. And yes, the pain is continuous, and the woundedness without cure. These thoughts found expression to the priest.

And he understood! Yes, he did! He understood the heaviness that comes from night work, as well as the sensations at times, in the day. I wanted to not have these, as the seeming collapses were recalled, back to youth. Why? It seems I should be able to be consistent, to suffer more joyfully, to not be at times so spent, and then suddenly so rejuvenated.

He explained, after I mentioned some of the sensations and souls, that I did not choose, but the Lord brought these aspects. Yes, and I added that I have agreed. I willingly agreed. So he said the seeming ups and downs are part of the suffering, that the Lord allows the sensation of the pain and the sorrows, the sufferings, of others, of souls living and dead, known and unknown, friend and foe--to be felt, to be prayed for, to have their sufferings alleviated.

So when I pray for the Bishop, or the Vicar General, or some soul brought in from the past to the present, unbidden souls but there appearing--or they are brought and then I pray, either way--the body and spirit are affected accordingly, yet in a hidden manner. At that moment, the others are uplifted, or encouraged, or pain lessened; and mine increases.

I guess I knew that at some level, but now it is affirmed again in the conscious, and so am relieved of concern of the seeming ups and downs, the times of being totally, physically or spiritually "spent". The Lord is utilizing the body and soul, the mind and the heart. So be it.

And the angels and saints come in to assist, and they are called upon at times, but other times they are sent. Like Hildegarde yesterday, and Bl. Ossana of Mantua, and others unknown. My mother and father, my dear angel Beth. One must be willing to suffer and willing to receive, also, the assistance in that suffering. The suffering often comes in kind with the prayer--even a glance-prayer at the image of a soul brought to the inner sight.

Then, one must not be discouraged or distracted by the sensations or weight that comes, for it is not going to cause a dent. The Lord has made the one as a brass wall.

But I must repent, always, and He will restore me and stand me in His presence. And, in His own way and time, I will be His mouthpiece, for however He desires and wills, or not. Sometimes it is silence He desires, perhaps mostly silence.

And He brings the people, they shall turn to me and not me not turn to them. He brings the souls without my seeking them out. And these souls are more likely ones incorporeal. These can come more often, without such encumbrance and effort. They turn to me for assistance in their needs, and it is then that I must pray and suffer and love, and love to suffer and pray for them in whatever is shown or not shown to me. Just the thought, the glimpse, even of those from the past, those known but forgotten, those unknown as well--all may come as the Lord wills. When, how, why, which ones, for how long--all that is the Lord's prerogative.

And the evil ones can come, the devils; but though they fight against, they do not prevail. If there are sore spots upon awakening, or sufferings during the day, it is these and the people who fight against me. If suddenly I am refreshed, it is the Lord delivering and rescuing me.

The pain is continuous, and it seems the wound is never cured, refusing to be healed. It is the wounds of Christ, for I am in His wounds. His wounds are powerfully gentle, strong, and filled with more love than any love gathered from all the holy souls of infinite fathom.

It is the love, then, that is continuous, and in my imperfect being, the suffering seems to rise and fall in accordance to the love proffered souls, and not discounting the human body's temporal fluctuations. But the soul stands steady, for the Lord has made it a solid wall of brass.

[Just finished 7 wheelbarrows of penitential mulch, plus spread seven others. The Chinese Yew can also be my spine leaning up against the Word-made-flesh spine. Thanks be to God for a renewed level of energy, enough to proceed with the tasks at Agnus Dei today.]

[To the dear one who has been accepted as an extern in a cloistered convent, but whose priest friend has advised not to go but to remain privately as a victim soul, is this priest friend your spiritual director or confessor? If so, then obedience should preclude any thoughts, wishes, or regrets of not going to the cloister. If he is only giving his opinion, then ask him to ascertain if it is his opinion and not a point of obedience. Then, if not, you may as well go and find out if it is the Lord's will, for the Lord will block the passage if it is not His will. But for a priest to say it is not for you and not advised, that you would not be content there, and that your life as victim soul should be lived out where you are--that is something to be heeded if it is a point of official direction. If you truly are a victim soul, then would you be able to fulfill the duties as an extern to the degree that others would then be dependent upon your work? I am praying for you to find out the answers, as this has been weighing upon you for some time. Ask the question of the priest, and then go or remain according to his answer. The vacillation of wondering and wishing and regret is one of those sideways crosses that we create in our own situations, don't you think? I have done this many times over, and it hinders the Lord's free movement in our souls--yet is always a good experience to learn the truth of vacillations. God bless your discernment and decision!]

The Sufferings of the Present Are as Nothing...

2008-07-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

From Romans 8:18-21 the Morning Office greets us:

The sufferings of the present are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed in us. Indeed, the whole created world eagerly awaits the revelations of the sons of God. Creation was made subject to futility, not of its own accord, but by Him who once subjected it; yet not without hope, because the world itself will be freed itself from its slavery to corruption and share in the glorious freedom of the children of God.

The hibiscus "Endless Summer" [photographed in the front Mary Gardens of Agnus Dei] reminds that while summer seems to go on and on, even the beauty and warmth of summer is subject to a kind of futility, as is suffering--except for the hope of Christ's suffering which sets all free of bodily bondage. Soon, really, as temporal time marches forward, moment by moment. Even though the growth of a plant is indiscernible if one watches, the growth over a day or two or three or weeks--it makes such a difference!

I needed to be reminded of the truth St. Paul reflects in his words. The body droops a bit, mid-summer. Pain increases, the attitude wilts, energy lags. During Mass I was interiorly reminded to take the vitamins and fish oil capsules, the iron pill and glucosamine chondroitin for the joints. The Lord is kind and merciful in the details, what we are blessed with in the aids to help in small ways, that make a difference over time.

Healthy diet (and fasting from that which is unhealthy and unnecessary!), water, exercise in manual labor, prayer, whatever inexpensive supplements to ease some of the pain, spiritual reading, frequenting the Sacraments (daily Mass and weekly confession!), smiles, adequate rest, fresh air (open up the windows, lift the shades!), much listening and awareness to God--over time, the soul grows. The bodily and mental and emotional sufferings of the present become nothing compared to the soul's growth. God's glory will be revealed in us.

I was beginning to have some sense of the futility of the manual labor, the gardens and upkeep of a small house. The responsibility and expense outlaid gnawed at the subconscious until it broke through to the conscious, like the voles out there boring down through mulch to gnaw the roots. Then there seemed little energy for much, and for whatever reason, I purchased a slew of old Catholic books on the topics of focus: victim souls, mysticism, obscure saints, hermits and hermit life, the interior life. All very good books, some scarce, well-written, expensive. The guilt appears like the small, strangely-colored molds that appear in morning, foam-like on the fresh mulch.

Well, there could be worse vices than excellent Catholic books. Will I get them read in the day or month or years remaining? Don't know. Can they be resold to recoup the expense? Don't know. Do they help my body and soul. Yes. Will I some day need money for a nursing home or a knee replacement (or shoulder surgery?). Perhaps; and perhaps the money will not be available. Instead, I will have trees and books.

I could go blind and not be able to read them, or work in the gardens. And work in the gardens will cease at some point, with age and infirmity. So the futility of gardens and books, of spending money, is seen easily; the endless summer of beauty and warmth can become an endless summer of drought and parching heat. It can become futile and fretful, but it doesn't have to.

No, there is hope. And the feelings that spread like the foamy mold atop the mulch have come from somewhere, some actual beginning, from under the surface and a combination of physical, chemical reactions. Turning to God the Father, to the Son of Man, to the Holy Spirit, hope reacts against the futile thoughts and feelings. Christ's suffering, His complete surrender, saves us from futility. We are freed, and His glory will be revealed in us.

The suffering is of short duration, actually, although at times it seems endless, and we do what we can to assuage enough to function. If our souls can come to adore, to love, hope, and then to love and help others to adore, to love, to hope--then we must do whatever with what God provides, to adore, love, and hope.

Sometimes the soul moves into a position of repose. As St. Peter of Alcantara (early spiritual director of St. Teresa of Avila) states, "The seaman rests when he arrives in a harbour."* In some instances, perhaps mid-summer of what seems an endless summer (or winter), the soul wishes to heighten the purity of the surrender. The body may not realize that, except for the suffering signaling a dulldrum, a seeming droop.

It is not that the soul ceases individual activity, but the type of activity is changed. (Do the interests veer from what Jerome Hawes, hermit, called the way of prudence, to the way of Divine folly?) One does not seem to press forward but remains where it is. That is the best place at that point. Then the soul has freed space, from having surrendered, to listen to the Beloved.

*Muller, Michael. St. Francis de Sales.1936. New York: Sheed & Ward, pp. 157-58.

Upon Asking a Question of St. Luke

2008-07-20T06:13:00.000-07:00

Perhaps sharing the answer of someone's asking, years ago, for ways that I could be helped or healed from pain--might help others who suffer.

He says:

"Simply love is greater than anything he could do. And why don't I believe him? Why don't I simply love and remember to love?

It's the pain that reminds me to love and to do that which I am supposed to do. If I didn't have a very strong reminder (that I am too young in my faith), I would be off.

And I would be called back into the world too easily. And that I am not ready to not have a good, firm reminder."

I say:

"If that pain were healed I would be free to use all of my energy to love."

He says:

"You are but a child. That was a very sweet but childish thought."

He explains further:

"But pain can be relieved when I attain unconditional love for myself and for others, when I attain the status of those before. John. Of the Christ.

"Attaining unconditional love is not an upward movement. It's more of a horizontal movement. And that is a very simple development that doesn't necessarily take time. It's not the time It's the depth of the learning, the depth of the faith and the love. That it is the great belief that all things are possible, and of learning that and of staying with it.

He tells me that:

"People in our lives--it is not just me--anyone could strive for this that I happen to desire very much. And that this pain is a strengthening device. And that, yes, [one can be] a rare and beautiful bird in this lifetime. And that part of [that] rare beauty is the innocence, of the naivete of a child, of wanting and believing and not realizing that [one] is rare and beautiful. And of not becoming what we call 'a conceited person' but innocently strive forth. That is what anyone could have.

"But my spirit is open to this growth, and I am willing to endure whatever pain. And remember that pain at other levels and dimensions is sheer joy. Wherefore I must not fall back into the pain and how the world perceives pain. But it is so easy for a person living in these times to view from the world.

"And this world is so much like an evil sponge with tentacles that reaches out and grabs the people and sucks them back into the mouth of the evil. We don't see the evil. We remain at this very banal level.

"And that is what I do when I don't remember the joy of the pain. When I fight against the pain, it is from the demands--the demands of other people--who want me to not have pain, but do not understand that I can learn and grow and strive toward that which my heart desires from the very beautiful point of the joyful pain that I bear."

This Sixteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time I must reflect on this wisdom given two decades past. I am still but a child, not far in my faith. It is the love that will increase the faith. And during the night, the over-done body's pain needed reminding that suffering is sheer joy. Today is for rest and prayer and love.

What about the street man who after Mass asked me if I knew anyone who had a couple of dollars he could borrow? I said I did not know of anyone. I had been advised to not give out cash to those who asked, for it is likely they would spend it on alcohol or drugs. So I suggested he ask at the rectory, as they sometimes have fast-food coupons. He asked, and the priest said he did not have any. Then another parishioner, an older man, called him over to his car and gave him a folded bill. The one begging was gone in a flash.

So I must ask again if I should have given the man a couple of dollars? And to pray again what is love, what is simply love? Perhaps I must get some fast-food coupons to have handy. Or, to pray more for the homeless, the reasons they are homeless, and any addictions they may suffer. And to keep donating to the St. Vincent de Paul food pantry.

And to pray with much love for those who are depressed, who want to end their lives. I must pray for the suffering in the world (but not as the world views)--suffering of others who may not comprehend the holy love in suffering that I am yet after two decades and a lifetime, learning to comprehend.

Love eases the pain by helping pain evolve and grow, into yet more love. John the Baptist loved and suffered. Christ suffers; He loves as God, for God is love and He is God. It is said that the Holy Spirit is the enactor of love and binds with love the Three Persons of the Trinity as One.

Keep striving for unconditional love.

Love to suffer; suffer to love.

Being Stripped by God

2008-07-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Debated on this for victim soul or hermit blog. Really fits to both. A Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus must be stripped of all that encumbers it to the vocational task. A hermit must be stripped of all that encumbers it to the vocational task.

The reason I left suddenly from the south of France, when on private retreat and had a gift given of a place to stay on the Mediterranean in a most beautiful cove, was a woman in tremendous suffering. That is a story unto itself. But part of it is that she told me things.

There are relationships that found me comfortable, but they were encumbering. I needed to send them on their way. It was a kind of parasitic thing.

I knew it was true. One of them I just let go, did not initiate calls. 'Twas for the best as there was nothing more to say, and what had been said was not getting through. Seems as if there were others, less major ones, that soaked back into the ground of earth. Then I realized I was to allow the Lord to bring those whom He chose and not to approach on my own initiative.

Now, within the last week, four major and five total relational sectors have been lopped off. One has dropped in a way that was unpleasant and brought to a head from my own sin. Another was an offshoot of that one. Two others were from my no longer simply being an affirming host; I no longer upheld congenially, faulty comments in conversation. At least, according to our faith, they were not on target. The final relational dropping was from one who initiated the drop sensing we had taken each other as far as we could. Well, I think it had gone as far perhaps a year ago, but it was one of those comfortable host deals, where the guests hang around not realizing the host is rather weary of it all. Finally the host says something or acts a certain way that the guests realize they aren't as welcome, as it stands, to remain. Sort of pointless.

But when the guests leave, there is yet a void for the host. A relief in a way, but a shock at the emptying out and just how still and silent is the place, with no guests chatting. There are no polite meals to prepare and serve--and by polite, I mean in serving what others want to eat (or hear...).

Then the host is alone with God to face itself. It is all right. Especially if one is a victim soul or a hermit, or both. The emotional ties, now broken, are what is painful only in the way in which some have been broken and in the way others have been stripped or removed themselves. The fact is, the host was somehow ready to send these comfortable guests on their way, but didn't necessarily have the courage or the tact to do it graciously, or to do it at all.

That is when the Lord steps in and does the stripping. He allows the host to bungle with some and has mercy after the confession of the sin of the way in which the bungle was enacted. But in others, He finishes off the work that would also, no doubt, be bungled by the host.

What is next? I don't know, but I must proceed in faith and not try to fill the empty place with other comfortable guests who desire to be affirmed, when victim souls and hermits are really not in the business of affirmation. We are in the business of suffering and praying, of being alone with God, and of delivering messages only if God brings someone who asks for the message. And even then, we must know that the Lord asks us to give that person the message for which he asks. And give it once, perhaps twice if the Lord asks us to repeat it. Only if.

The suffering for the victim soul and/or hermit, when being stripped by God, is in the humility that comes when one knows its ineptitude and cowardice, as well as its sinfulness on many fronts. It is a good suffering, and that, too, can be offered to the Lord for the very guests who have been sent on their way or who chose to leave, finding the accommodations no longer inviting or comfortable.

The suffering then, for the victim soul and/or the hermit, is to get up after the initial shock (like the breath being knocked out), and to keep going in yet more blind faith, realizing that we are the guests of God, and in His house there are expectations and truth, and truth in dealing with our own souls is not going to mean that we will be affirmed in whatever we choose to think or do. We will be affirmed only in truth, and that is in God's truth.

These Asiastic lilies bloomed Christ-blood red. Along came the wind one day, and the petals were stripped shortly after the photo captured them--already mature in bloom and ripe for stripping.

The Suffering of Sin

2008-07-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

Sin causes such suffering, especially in the soul who is trying to not sin. It comes as a surprise, some sin, and that often is the sin most necessary to get rid of.

Some sin is fairly obvious.

Here is this lovely trunk of a small, Paperbark Maple. A year ago the bark was not peeling like this. Who would suspect that it would begin to exfoliate, unless someone knew that this is the case with Paperbark Maples?

Well, it is true with souls. A Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus might look pretty regular at the onset, but once planted into the soil of Jesus' Sacred Heart, and once it begins to root into the vocation as a victim soul, offering its whole life and soul and any sufferings now or to come, to Jesus for His use, the soul begins to exfoliate its sins.

This is necessary. And, it is beautiful, is it not? Just as in the Paperbark Maple, as the tree is noted for this unusual effect of the bark's peeling, so the sins of a victim soul begin to peel. It is a good thing, and of God, and holy to exfoliate sins. It happens for the earthly life of the soul, and on into purgatory. Like the tree, the soul does not die with its sins peeling off; instead, it thrives during its exfoliation process.

What might seem alarming in all this to the soul (or the person tending the Paperbark Maple), is all part of the unique process of growth. And growth is beautiful in its unique attributes.

In some seasons, the growth appears to slow, but within, there is still growth going on. Sometimes sins exfoliate so visibly; other times they are working their way off subtly. A Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart must pray always to have its sins be peeled away, and also to view the process as a unique beauty, of natural, spiritual growth, in the glory of God's providence. Our souls grow this way, and can be utilized for the enhancement and good of others. Such is the desire of a victim soul, as well as God's will for those called to suffer.

Even the sensate suffering of our sins exfoliating, can be offered to Jesus for reparative use.

The Suffering of Sideways Crosses

2008-07-09T03:12:00.000-07:00

The balloon flower photographed and viewed sideways disturbs the sensibilities.

So also, the sideways crosses we bear and suffer, contorted by our own manipulations.

Have written about sideways crosses in the Catholic hermit blog, but they are true sufferings. Victim souls are very much affected by sideways crosses. Those of others can seem insufferable. Should a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus offer oneelf for someone's sideways cross?

Seems as if one ought make that offering. Sideways crosses are those unholy ones, created out of vices and dysfunctions, borne often without the person realizing the burden--without realizing how ridiculously unnecessary, and also how damaging.

They are like tiny voles in the Mary Gardens, quietly and swiftly boring down into the mulch to gnaw the roots of trees, bulbs, perennials, grass. The gardener must act swiftly and rid them out, or the lovely gardens will be lost, the trees and other plant life will suffer, languish, die.

So, too, the soul that suffers sideways crosses that are not detected and rid out.

Should one suffer one's own sideways crosses? No. They must be detected and rid out. No delaying. See them for what they are, for the victim souls' own sideways crosses prohibit freely accepting the holy crosses Jesus offers and desires the victim souls to bear for love of Him and love of others.

But suffering others' sideways crosses is made in the offering, and the prayer includes desiring those others to be able to detect and rid out their own sideways crosses. Souls are not free to follow Jesus until those sideways crosses are out of their interior landscape.

Sideways crosses can be so subtle. Here's one detected in a person: a fascination with whatever parish priest's life. Then the desire to discuss the details of conversations and whatever information the priest lets slip, such as during a visit or dinner invitation. Such a sideways cross creeps into other conversations, seeking out (like the vole boring holes hoping to discover succulent roots) information on other priests' lives who others might know about.

Women are prone to this sideways cross, but men have been noted to discuss Father so-and-so.
This sideways cross is gossip, of course, but it has insidious undertones of infatuation, and the tidbits gleaned of the priests' lives can become quite the spiritual distraction and can feed emotional deprivations.

What motivates such a sideways cross? Loneliness? Curiosity? Boredom with oneself or one's other relationships? Intrigue with the otherwise hidden life of another--desire to unravel a mystery? Well, this latter is a subset of curiosity. Women tend to suffer this vice more than men, but anyone can construct sideways crosses from idle curiosity.

Perhaps this sideways cross is best rid out by the direct approach. If it is within oneself (and doesn't have to be a parish priest as object of curiosity--the movie star industry is filled with curious voyeurs who purchase tabloids), the poison must be placed in the vole-hole, or traps set. One must see the sideways cross as it is, root out the underlying needs, and instead feed on the spiritual, bolster the virtues, and pray for holy crosses to replace the dysfunctional ones.

If the sideways cross (of improper fascination, curiosity, obsession either spoken or mulled in the mind) is detected in another, do not succumb to the same or fall to discussion (which equates to listening to gossip or contributing to gossip). But this sideways cross, particularly when a priest is the object, is more pathetic due to whatever is motivating the interest.

Prayer to the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary, mother of priests and of all souls, will provide answers as to directly revealing the sideways cross to the one dragging it about, or to practice all the more changing the topic or removing oneself from the person who has constructed that type of cross within his- or herself.

But the Victim Soul of the Sacred heart should not abandon praying for that person, or from offering penances or to suffer on behalf of that person's suffering. Underneath this sideways cross is some other suffering of emotional need or desire, surely. Or it can boil down to a hunger that has grown into a vice problem, innocently masked as just simple interest or small talk.

Sideways crosses might not stand out blatantly as a tree that is photographed sideways. But as in the photo of a sideways balloon flower, the wrong of it jars the rightness and niggles the spiritually striving, sensitive conscience into desiring to set it aright.

St. Francis de Sales: Comments on Suffering

2008-06-28T06:08:00.000-07:00

"First, accept the pain from His hand, as if you saw Him, Himself, putting and pressing it on your head.

"Second, offer yourself to suffer more.

"Third, beg our Savior by the merit of his torments to accept these little distresses in union with the pains He suffered on the cross."

"Next, protest that you wish not only to suffer, but to love and cherish these sufferings since they are sent from so good and so sweet a hand.

"Lastly, invoke the martyrs and the many servants of God, who enjoy Heaven as a result of their having been afflicted in the world...."

Such is the advice of St. Francis de Sales, on suffering. There is more, but this helps any Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus to be reminded, in steps, how to proceed with the good work. It is not easy to keep this focus on our own, but in the Holy Spirit, through prayer and trust, we can persevere and learn to embrace all as goodness and joy. We can expect the bar to be raised, one notch at a time. Or, like a vice grip around the head, as a kind of halo--we can see the angel of God and feel the tightening of the band. If we shriek out in pain and complaint, the angel might justifiably reply, "Well, you agreed to this!" So we have.

How difficult it is to accept not only physical pain, relentless pain, but more so, the suffering of a loved one, particularly a child. This suffering is taken on by the adult, in sorrow and grief beyond description. Yet we try to describe the pain of a child's suffering, without words. Yet even in such piteous suffering of a baby barely toddling upon his or her earthly journey, there is a sense of the holy. We can see the Lord, anointing the child with the oil of His sweet agony, sharing His glory and omniscient love with the most vulnerable of innocent life.

Consider the babies in the womb, destroyed by an abortionist's scalpel, rejected by his or her own mommy and daddy--often also by grandparents who do not want this grandchild to be born. Consider the many adults--Catholics among them!--who do not want the little baby to live, as they vote for senators and congresspersons, even presidential candidates--who pass "pro-choice" legislation! Yet these very legislators (and Catholic "pro-choice" voters) would be devastated if their two-, five-, or 20-year-old child was killed in an accident or died of leukemia.

To be sure, there is much suffering in our world--suffering not brought by Christ's loving hand but rather from the claws of intrinsic evil. The suffering from Christ's loving hand simply arrives: suddenly, unexpectedly, and without our bringing it on due to malice or misjudgment on our own part. This kind of suffering is just punishment or the consequences of our sins. Some suffering is the consequence of other persons' sins--violence and crime of abortion, drunk driving, drug abuse, sex abuse, emotional and psychological abuse. Deep down in the roots of these sins can be found often enough: sheer evil.

Yet if a victim soul suffers as a result of others' sins, that suffering can have merit and goodness. Depends upon how the victim soul bears the pain. For, Jesus suffered as a result of others' sins. See how He suffered? He suffered mostly in silence except for asking the Father to forgive His persecutors, His tormentors, His murderers. And He forgave those who abandoned Him, too.

When the suffering comes as the balm of inexplicable illness or accident, it must be suffered as such, as a mystery of our vulnerable, created life, so totally dependent upon God in all aspects. Not that any of it is easy. He never appeared to the mystic victim souls in a manner expressing that it would be easy. Often He showed Himself as the scourged, the thorn-crowned, the Crucified with gaping wounds.

Often His mother appeared to those called to suffer, with tears in her eyes or cascading down her cheeks, much like the dew drops on a Lady's Mantle, first thing in the morning. That is how suffering often comes: in the morning of our days, in the morning of our lives. We awaken to the agony and feel the sufferings of the world within our bodies or minds or hearts, and in all, for suffering encompasses our beings which dwell in His Wounded Sacred Heart.

And Why Not Take on the Sorrows of the World?

2008-06-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

And Why Not Take on the Sorrows of the World?

The screaming, crying, painful aches
of silent soul and reeling mind?

Eat the bread and drink the blood
and become the heart of every one?

Say good-bye to what is known and loved
in this our graveyard of frivolity?

Tear the bark from naked tree and clothe ourselves
like drapery
upon a cross of which we know nothing
and understand less?

Become the sword that pierces flesh,
skewers and entwines beloved,
twists and binds us to His wounds,

Oh Mary, cleft from child Jesus
broken at the cross,
let me feel your pain
and that of others who
suffer the sorrows of the world.

Good to look back over poetry written pre-Catholic confirmation, but very much well into the love and longing for the true Church, Jesus' Own.

And yesterday, it was good to remember the question that came to mind fourteen years ago on the 7th anniversary of the two back surgeries and death experience, in recovery room, necessitating being rushed back into the second surgery. And to reflect upon Who asked that question, and where I was fourteen years ago, and the pain, and the thoughts of a young, single mother of four children who was dying of cancer.

Yes, why not take on the sorrows of the world? It is, of course, the work of a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It is the work that Jesus offers and allows for those willing to eat and drink His blood and unite in His heart in the path of pain. Not everyone is called to this vocation, but many are called who do not respond affirmatively, and others are called who struggle against the fiat for a while, and God does with us all as He wills, if we will. And regardless, eventually suffering comes even if but an instant of suffering in the last breath--not to mention the suffering of all our judgments, when we face our Lord.

Yesterday, I spoke this truth to the confessor who happened to be celebrating the morning Mass. I told him that a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus must be willing to take on the sufferings of the world. A victim soul must LOVE TO SUFFER AND SUFFER TO LOVE.

It is all done in love and desire, to be one with the suffering Lord, to love enough to suffer enough as He loves and suffers. And then, to resurrect in His love and in His heart. And it helps, also, to experience the suffering of the Sorrowful Mother, as she can teach us the humility necessary to endure pain--not only our own but that of others, that of her tears but also of her Son's redemptive agony.

There is great beauty in suffering with Christ. Much joy in the honor, truly--but not always so easy to maintain this conscious reality! Even a spinal headache fights against the human appreciation. Mother Mary helps if we ask. Jesus offers us His Sacred Heart and all purity and love within His Body and Blood to strengthen.

We are given all necessary to suffer well, to take on the sorrows of the world, in Christ.

Letter to the Da: On Being an Immolation

2008-06-19T07:13:00.001-07:00

The spiritual da had much to discuss yesterday, during lunch out. He spoke of thoughts he'd read regarding our asking Jesus to enshroud us in His shroud during Holy Communion [and would be good all the time]. He spoke of how Jesus is inside [such as His Sacred Heart image, and wanting us nesting within His Heart?] and desires us to come inside to Him.

Then he spoke of deeper conversions, and also of his suffering. He spoke of his back pain and how many ibuprofens he takes, and is that too many? Then of an injection in his spine that did not seem to help, and was it right to seek after relief? Is this not his time to suffer and offer the suffering to God? And he spoke of the past couple of days of not feeling well at all, and of his heart not being quite right.

I reminded him of how four years ago he was in the hospital with heart problems, and that he 'd asked, "Pray for me poor heart! Pray for me poor heart." I had prayed very much for his heart. God heard our prayers, as many people were praying. And yes, he should not take so much of one over-the-counter medication, and that one could upset his stomach. And yes, it is right to seek some relief to the suffering, as he was not going to any extreme. The saints agreed to whatever simple and recommended means would help them endure. I also explained that the pain in his back could be radiating and causing nerves to affect other organs, such as his heart, causing arhythmia. So to try to take the edge off the pain might help his heart.

It was a rare conversation, for he usually does not open up about his suffering. Yet it was bothering him to the point of expression, and part of it is the acceptance of a possible reality of impending departure from this world. He then laughed and said he'd tried to make a bargain with God that he could suffer a few more years and be left here. The laughter was due to his knowing that we do not make bargains with God. So we both laughed.

Yet I understand more than I could express that I understand. Part of his point was to share what he is facing, and it wasn't helped in the temporal experience of the sisters having other priests come once a week to give father his "day off." He still celebrates Mass on his "day off", getting up his usually early and being at the altar by 7 a.m. Ten sisters or so come to this Mass.

Yesterday, they had a priest come who drove a distance to be there, and he is a rather forceful priest, very much an in-charge personality type. Father said yes, he had taken charge and even took charge in questions to father, a priest of two decades or more experience beyond the in-charge, guest priest's years. I reassured him that this is how this other priest is--his temperament.

Then the waitress patronized the da, sort of making fun without meaning to, directing comments to me, or asking me questions about what he would like, even though he was right there. It was so demeaning to him, and he responded with his own requests of what he would like to drink, even when she made comments about his not wanting water. No, he did not want water. Just coffee, with cream. And then she asked me, and I repeated. To her, he was just a tottering old man, and rather quaint with his accent, and she catered down to him.

He did not like it that I brought him dessert; he was not up for sweets, which is not like him. He then said, "Let's get out of here"--when most of the lunch crowd had left, but not all. So we discussed more his thoughts, which are always excellent, and yet some were good repeats; and when we pulled into the parking lot by his quarters at the convent, he said to just pull up by the door rather than to park, that he was going in to take a nap.

Later, I read some pages in the biography of St. Catherine of Siena. Jesus spoke to her, in what she had repeated to her confessor, and it pertained to the da's suffering--and the good of suffering, the good of being an immolation. So I called him in the evening, and told the da that I really do have concern, and reminded him again of other over-the-counter meds to relieve some pain, and that his doctor might give him something to help take the edge off from time to time. And I told him about the pages read and that I'd write it out and mail it.

Today I will write him a letter, expressing what St. Catherine reported of Jesus' message. It is all about being an immolation. Yet, perhaps I won't re-quote what she had to say. Not sure yet. Being an immolation sounds grand when in writing. In reality, it is inexpressible.

Being an immolation includes facing one's mortality. Being an immolation means being humbled through other people's patronizing tones, remarks, and attempts to hide the fact that one's capacities to do what one had previously done, are fading. In some cases, they are bleached out completely. And eventually, for all of us, the final bleach is inevitable.

Being an immolation is the greatest process we will ever experience in suffering. It is what reduces us to true nothingness. This is sort of what St. Catherine of Siena was trying to express, but not with these words.

Being an immolation provides the opportunity or many such, repeatedly, in which one ought only lower one's head and humbly say..."Pray for me".

The da later didn't want to talk about this level of bodily decline and said he is all right, but he said he'd seen the other over-the-counter that I suggested he try. Being an immolation is the greatest means of death to self that God so lovingly provides.

One simply must keep going within the immolation opportunity. There is no choice for a follower of Christ, keen on union with Christ, but to en-joy the immolation process.

My current immolation moments might preclude the letter to the da, but I will pray the thoughts, and the Holy Spirit might take it to him.

St. Dorotheos of Gaza on Doing Something According to God

2008-06-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

This quote pulls two e-mails and my own current struggles to a good point.

"If a man is doing something good according to God, trial of some kind will come upon him, for trial and temptation either precede or follow all good. Neither is it sure the thing is happening according to God, unless it is proved so by trials and temptations."*

The Lord has brought two e-mails to help me to persevere in something that was painful to have to write out. The Bishop asked, and the confessor said that whenever the Bishop asks, I must do as he asks. Of course, I wanted to, but there were some doubts in this particular request, for it required writing out some aspects of another person's life. Yet, once it was done (and it was not easy to write succinctly about such matters, so it is narrative style to which I gravitate), the Lord blessed me with assurance that I am a huge sinner. It was awful to be judging another person's weaknesses, yet it was of concern and for the greater good.

The Lord then allowed reassurance, through the insights of an e-mail. The person could discern my gross tendency to have doubts--doubts which drain the energy and preclude better focus and work for the Lord in prayer and penance. Yet, the very doubts and second guessings are a form of suffering which must be offered to the Lord--even if one offers them in retrospect! God's time is before, now and beyond, so He can accept offerings from our view of time, which have already occurred. So, Lord, I offer all the time I have wasted in doubting and second-guessing!

I started to doubt if what I was doing, in writing out for the Bishop the weaknesses of this person's dysfunction. It seemed so judgmental, and who was I (a sinner!) to expose another's confidences and also my observations? But, it was to be in obedience, and my own flaws floated low to my soul, as I wrote.

Then came another e-mail, of which I'll share my response, for it seems to speak to my own issues--a pep talk to myself, pumped from what I could share with this other soul who is, by a priest's insights, validated in the vocation as a victim soul of the Sacred Heart. But yet, the person was accepted in a lovely community, to which the priest advised against. Doubts arose in the soul, and bits of confusions in looking back!

How well do I share in this type of suffering of looking back! The neck grows stiff and painful from the strain of looking back! Then energy is used in dealing with the ache! And none of it is all that necessary except, perhaps, to train us to strict obedience and humility. The quote of St. Dorotheos of Gaza, 6th century monk/hermit, reassures us that God's will is proved by trials and temptations, of which doubting and second guessing are soul temptation and trial, both.

So, for the response to this blessed soul:

You must do exactly as Fr. says. Victim souls, when called by the Lord, are often given a priest to guide them. A victim soul is to take the path of greater suffering, as that is our work. It is hard to remember this, though, for pain hurts! Internal pain hurts all the more! Spiritual pain is the highest of sufferings, or so it seems. The victim souls of which I've read who were called by the Lord to be in convents, were not externs, it seems. They seemed to be more hidden.

I tried to get into some religious orders, also. Actually, one priest told me that the life would be too rigorous for my health! He is right! The Lord needs victim souls to suffer, and if we do that which would shorten our lives due to our own wills, we limit the full reign of time for suffering while on earth. Even the guilt you are sensing is a good suffering to offer.

Someone else just e-mailed me, insightfully detecting that my feelings of guilt over having comforts, books, lovely gardens--is depleting me of energy. This is energy that could be better used for others, for God, for finishing the manual projects so as to have more focus for that guidebook! So, I am going to try to have mastery over those feelings of guilt, and to not doubt. Doubt is a drainer that is not of God. Then, from whence does doubt come? Perhaps from another d-word?

Of course, if you had chosen to follow through with the acceptance at the convent, as an extern, God would have allowed, or so we assume, but with what outcomes? It is true that the Virgin Mary has told saints that graces can be lost. Also, Jesus and the Virgin Mary always told saints to do exactly as their superiors and/or spiritual directors said, even if it went against what they had asked, for obedience is valued highly.

In those cases, in which the saint then did do as the superiors asked, and not what Jesus had asked, Jesus worked it around so that the superior's will became the same as His will. But, the test was Jesus seeing if the victim soul would be obedient to his or her director. If we can be obedient to those who God has sent to guide us and counsel us while on earth, then Jesus is assured we will be obedient to Him--for we are to see Christ in our superiors. It is a means of training in obedience and humility.

The doubts, though, are actually good for us to a point. They cause us to see, hopefully soon, how they drag us down needlessly. If the doubts come from the Holy Spirit, they will register from the conscience, and also our spiritual directors/confessors will advise that our feelings are either simply doubts, or that we must heed them as nudgings from God that we are not doing quite as we ought. In your case, your priest has spoken, and you must obey, and cast the doubts out.

[I, too, must cast out doubts, for my Bishop, spiritual director and confessor have each assured on the seemingly comfortable life, the books, the trees and plants, the furnishings--and now the narration done on a sensitive subject. So I thank you and the other dear soul--both of you who have written in the Lord, as it will cause me to see God's validated good and not drown in doubts.]

Now, if a director is wrong, and is going against God's will for the soul, then it is still a win-win situation for the obedient soul. If God really wants you as an extern in the convent, then eventually He will make sure it happens. But to be obedient first, is always best. These are just my considerations based upon what I've read and how I've experienced situations--and am still learning about obedience, humility, and also about the devilish doubts.

I now notice, upon re-reading St. Dorotheos' maxim, that trial and temptation can precede all good. Not that doubts don't have their place in our soul's development, but if they try to interfere with what is all good, from God, and this has been discerned in prayer and in spiritual counsel, then the doubts must be tossed on the devil's dung heap.

And the photo is of one of the lovely blooms on a branch of one of the more expensive acquisitions in the Mary Gardens: the Stewartia Serrata tree. Without doubt, this tree is gorgeous not only in its vase-like shape but also in the glossy leaves, the summer blooms, as well as the red fruit that turns to seed pod and remains for the bird's delight into winter!

* Wheeler, Eric. Dorotheos of Gaza: Discourse and Sayings. 1977. Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian Publications. p. 252-3.

Suffering Repeats Itself

2008-06-15T05:30:00.000-07:00

Suffering is a double rainbow. A Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus does well to hold fast the image of the rainbow with its less visible reflected rainbow beside it. We are looking at light, after all.

And like reflected light, and refracted light in some aspects within a rainbow, such as that caused by prisms, too--we consider suffering of all types.

Suffering repeats itself.

We may learn to avoid some suffering. But other suffering comes as part of life. A victim soul learns to accept the sufferings as reflected light. Our sufferings are a reflection of the light of Christ's sufferings.

Last evening I accepted an invitation from a couple to dine out. They are moving away soon. We have good conversations, refreshingly Catholic conversations, and of worthwhile content. But the sitting has brought pain--some last night after the sitting, and more this morning in a kind of reflection. This week after Mass, driving back to Agnus Dei, there was an accident three cars ahead. A young woman driving a small volkswagon tangled with a heavy-duty pick-up truck hauling a large trailer--a contractor's truck. Thanks be to God there were no serious injuries. But I considered my own accident nearly 24 years ago, and prayed for the young woman's body, as the next day she no doubt felt all the pain of the impact throughout bones, muscles, nerves and tissues.

This morning I feel as if I've been kicked by a horse--in the back, and the head feels as if a vice grip has been tightened 'round. This suffering has been repeated many times over.

I made the choice to go to dinner, to sit, to enjoy the conversation--and to risk what could and most likely would come. I do not think about it much ahead of time, yet I do consider the reality and shove it aside. Then, later I think I will be more strict with myself in future, but then consider that the couple would be taken quite a distance out of their way to come to Agnus Dei. And, they do not comprehend the suffering as I do, although they are amazingly empathic people. So they understand in part, for they suffer other maladies which I do not comprehend as they do!

I also suffered the truth of having wasted $10 on a plate of pasta with a greasy sauce that I could not at all eat. So a salad was brought, and my stomach was unused to so much dressing. This suffering has repeated itself, also, and has developed from the basic (perhaps detached to some views) diet eaten over the past several years. Food has decreased in interest and is the necessity of an earthly body. Simple foods the body accepts best, at this phase, and meat (other than fish on occasion), does not abide well in the stomach!

So the suffering of this outing last evening is repeated from most other times out--if not all times. Thankfully, these times are fewer; yet in other ways, they are a blessing because I can now have something more to offer the Lord this morning. I have offered the bodily pain for a young woman who has moved away with her husband and children and is feeling the pinching pain of adaptation away from what had been a rather controlling parental situation (her parents). While she knows it was an unhealthy situation, she loves them and misses them, misses the place where she grew up, misses her siblings.

And, she repeats this suffering each time she thinks of them and considers the move. She does not comprehend how to offer this suffering. But I offer my repetitive suffering to Jesus, to utilize if He wills, for this young woman's suffering. Jesus knows. He might also use the little sufferings I offer this morning, for something else unknown to me.

So the offering repeats itself, also. A Victim Soul's work is to endure even the sufferings that repeat themselves--if by our own actions or if not instigated by ourselves! I know that when I sit on certain chairs or venture out on certain activities, that I most likely will have added pain. I tend to forget just how painful that pain can be, and tend to ignore the fact that it will cause me to have to struggle all the more to endure, as well as the added effort in controlling the emotions and thoughts that pain affects. I could also, at times, forget how to joyfully offer the pain, whether from my own choices or from situations beyond my control, to the Lord for His beneficial use!

Today I am not forgetting, however. And this is because the Holy Spirit is reminding me that pain repeats itself, and so too, the offering must repeat itself. And thus, the joy repeats itself, and also the work in strengthening the mind and soul for suffering repeats itself.

It is like the slighter image of the rainbow beside the stronger image of the rainbow, and knowing that the images are reflections of light, of reverberating light and refractive light, that the human eye can discern from a distance. And the beauty of the rainbow and the double of the rainbow, and pondering the glory of God in this sight, reminds the Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus that there is much beauty and hope and glory in sufferings reflected, in sufferings offered, in sufferings appreciated for their value.

There was a value in accepting the invitation to dine out, in the levels of suffering produced, reflected, and offered. But it would be unwise to accept many such invitations, as the body has finite limits. There are other opportunities for suffering in this body, and just maintaining in daily life taxes the body. A victim soul must be responsible. That is why the saints suggest not taking on sufferings unnecessarily, for the Lord brings them to His victims of love quite naturally.

For someone to repeat sufferings unnecessarily, such as to rake over painful memories that will only bring more suffering (and the distinguishing point, it seems, is selfish suffering--suffering that pivots around self) is not loving suffering. That is unhealthy suffering. To keep drinking alcohol, or overeating, or smoking is an unhealthy repetitive suffering. Dining out, for me, although rarely, is becoming a bit like beating my head against a wall and forgetting that the head is going to hurt soon after!

So I may need to suffer not accepting an invitation, or of inviting others to Agnus Dei if they want to converse and suffer the physical effort in hosting--or of repeating the suffering of sitting to dine out and risk money spent on food that is not easily digestible.

It might seem odd to detail such thoughts on suffering, but the little details make up the threads woven into the daily fabric of one's life. These nuances are part of a victim soul's experience, and must be considered in the training. Jesus accepted suffering, for it was His mission. It is a victim soul's mission, as well, and what is the great work of that mission is the reflected and repeated suffering--and ultimately, how the soul offers the suffering, repeatedly.

Yesterday, in an unexpected conversation with the Bishop, he said to use the gifts for the Church. Yes, many forms of suffering are just that: gifts. And in using them for the Church, of course one is using them for Jesus, for He is the Head of the Body, the Church.

The Holy Spirit Will Guide You

2008-06-13T07:34:00.001-07:00

The confessor this morning gently reminded me of this, and am to pray to the Holy Spirit before I speak. The Holy Spirit will help me discern spirits, as well.

A dear soul has written another e-mail, encouraging. I did not post the first comment, due to her private identity information included. This one is helpful, and I post it for everyone, as it is a message to all souls who love God and who suffer in love, in desire to love and to be pleasing as a living, holy holocaust.

"Dearest Nothing: Sorry it has taken so long to respond, having computer problems... I can wait as long at it takes for the guide, just let me know when and how to obtain a copy. Am being brief. I don't know whether this message is on the blog for all to read. Want to repeat that your writings have been such a blessing - true direction, and a balm for the soul. With deepest gratitude and in the Sacred Heart. Sincerely, [code name which indicates a love for the day of Christ's birth]: (I love Christmas!)"

The guide is that re-write of the one I had started two years ago! I am praying to begin working on it when the heavy work of the Mary Garden is over.

So, dear lover of Christmas, thank you for the encouragement. It helps solidify the mission, to just adore Him, and to know that some are called out of the world, for very few encounters, in order to have the energy--yes it does take physical effort--to suffer, and to grow within the cocoon of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, to remain hidden, and yet to love. To love to learn to love.

How can the interior physical suffering be described? It is not necessary. God knows. The goal in remaining hidden is to not let it show exteriorly. Sometimes this brings misunderstanding, which is the point: to suffer misunderstanding as another offering of praise to God, in union with Him Who was misunderstood even in His suffering in silence when His followers did not comprehend, when He was surely weary not only physically but also from inner sight--of seeing and trying to say, but being misunderstood, and then of being quiet and still being misunderstood. He bore the sufferings of what He perceived; and He went off to pray.

There is a suffering of which perhaps I have not made clear. It is not so much physical suffering as it is some interior aspects. It is seeing with inner sight, and while some might think that would be wonderful, it is actually quite painful. And then, at times, those with that capacity desire to shut down to it, or to ignore it, and then the soul finds itself all the more in a kind of suffering from the effects of having ignored certain warnings or essences.

When capacities increase, there is a desire to hibernate all the more for protection from the world.

And, the spiritual suffering is eased by the nesting in the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And, when physical aspects of suffering accompany the interior capacities (which years ago someone called "gifts") then the situation is such that the person realizes there is no choice, anyway, but to hibernate, to rest.

It is in the rest, the nesting within the Sacred Heart of Jesus, wherein resides His mother, that the soul prays in the subtleties of God's realm. The Holy Spirit breathes in that realm--touches gently the soul's pale cheek, kisses the soul's unkissed lips so as to whisper God's assurances down deep into the heart where the soul has learned to think.

Think with your heart! Think with your heart! Think with your heart!

It seems as if I am not doing enough for God! Surely He is displeased with the way the hours slide by--His hours. When planting, weeding, watering, fertilizing, pruning, transplanting--has the soul set specific intentions? The heart thinks so. The mind does not recall.

In this time of economic hardship for so many, is it right to purchase mulch to keep the roots of the trees, roses, groundcover, perennials, shrubs, and annuals cooled? The overworked employees in the garden section of a warehouse type store think so; it helps pay their salaries. But the ambiance of the place has altered, and people have lost jobs, gotten hours slashed, and those remaining are doing the work of two or maybe two and a half.

To drive 12 miles and back to the nursery that is out in the fields and woods--to browse on an overcast day, with maybe rain (and that makes it all the better) will cost $5 in gas and perhaps much more in the perennials possibly purchased. Yet it is a day for breathing the breath of God that flows sweetly in the moist breeze, to have a gentle encounter with one or two who might be there, far different from the rush of souls in large garden centers...or even at the noon Mass.

It has become best to go to early Mass, with the few people there to pray and worship, peacefully--and none rushing forward for position, either in physical steps or in sensate gestures seen within their souls. It is best to open up to God as He wills, yet to remain stilled and silent, taking God's time as He offers it, seeing it as He sees time, in a continuum of spiraling motion such as light within a rainbow's glimpse, eternally available.

Yes, God's time is eternal, and only God is forever.

Only within Him do we flow in the spiraling continuum of God's time forever.

A Well-Timed Reminder

2008-06-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

Someone wrote asking for the updated guide to victim souls. It is not completed!
My spiritual father had just suggested I keep writing blogs--but also write a book, but wait until autumn for the book as the gardens and hermitage need upkeep.

But the decision as to what to write is solved. The updated guide is in process--with a two-year cessation. A friend had just said she'd shelved a novel (with many redeeming qualities as a Christian-Catholic novel) for five years, and recently she has been reminded to continue the writing efforts. She must wait until they get moved, for now her time is busy with preparations.

I think I stopped because the style was becoming stilted--not deviating enough from the original, written 75 years ago, and then shortened about 60 years ago. Still a different style of writing than now, and my style might need some updating itself!

Something else has come to mind, and it has to do with the intensity of pain being in correlation to heightened intuition. This can happen sometimes, if a person's vocation includes this aspect. It is all up to God. But it happens in some early on, and in others, suffering frees the soul to listen to God. Once the Virgin Mary said: You will know Him in your pain.

This is so true.

The devil gets involved, also. The more one knows Jesus in his or her pain, the more one meets up with the devil since the devil does not want souls to know Jesus more and more intimately. In this, then, a demonic attack can be a kind of affirmation that all is well, and to simply proceed calmly, quietly, and yet carefully.

Sometimes the battle is waged at night when one is not as capable of fending off the devil, but this is as God allows, for then one has to rely on God all the more, and one's angel, to protect and defend. There are lessons learned.

For example, one can discern that one is in more pain than realized, and thus must keep the attitude in love and pray for all and any guidance in the waking hours. Also, it might help know the fine-tuned directions of one's vocations.

The Lord can teach us much through the assaults of the devil. Our souls can observe the assault as if watching the two forces battle back and forth, and take the content (sometimes symbolically presented) and review the components, gleaning much good advice. Pondering is required, prayerfully.

For example, the devil may try to paralyze the body, which can be frightening at first. Then the Lord may allow an image of a good physician one had trusted in the past, and that physician may give good advice. There may be confusions and exhaustions in the scene, and that can indicate too many distractions in the daily life, causing the soul to be unsettled.

If one simply stops at the body being paralyzed--or whatever other devices the devil is allowed to use to cause panic--and considers that not panicking but rather in calling upon the Lord, brings assistance one way or another. Then, one can consider that the devil would not be allowed to disrupt if the Lord did not see the soul needed stretching and strengthening, and some answers in its spiritual life.

Thus, such an occasion which otherwise might seem upsetting, can be seen rather as very good. The soul may review its course and make some increased efforts in love and prayer, and to keep the shoulder to the plow, not looking back.

Victim souls do seem to have these sensitivities, commensurate with the suffering. But one must not collapse into them, or allow them to become distractions. That is what St. John of the Cross advised with phenomenon. Don't become ensnared with the effects. One is to discern them. Take the good and leave the incorrect aspects; and either way, keep moving forth. Keep the focus on the cross and remain on the narrow path.

Last night was one such incident here, and it shows that the soul is beginning to fret some of the lack of energy and the multi-directional responsibilities in the vocation's physical aspects, such as maintenance of abode and maintenance of body. The pain has increased, and with that comes exhaustion, and with that comes less energy to maintain, to keep loving order in surroundings. With the increased pain (perhaps, just a supposition), it seems the sensitivities to souls increased, the heightened intuition "heightened", and this added some to the concerns, for it is not so easy to be in a group of souls, such as at Mass, for the sensitized soul can be like sponge absorbing this and that.

All must be kept in calm love, like looking down into a lake from a sailboat in a dulldrum. It is time to ponder and not fret if the wind is going to pick up or not. Keep the attitude positive and loving. Take the time, God's time it is, after all, to rest. Breathe deeply, eat what one can of healthy foods, do whatever simple means to help alleviate the pain, avoid those souls whose essence disrupt yet pray for them, remain with the sacraments and Scripture, offer everything of one's being to Jesus, and wait in gratitude.

A Prayer of St. Faustina

2008-06-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

A friend who suffers much with mental struggles sends quotes from the holy books she reads. This prayer of St. Faustina seems so good for anyone. It is true that especially, perhaps, with physical pain, the suffering becomes, also, one of mental suffering. Sometimes physical pain takes the mind to the brink! Loss of control over thoughts and words spoken, becomes a challenge!

"When I receive Holy Communion, I entreat and beg the
Savior to heal my tongue, that I may never fail in love of
neighbor."

At first I thought of praying to have my tongue curbed, but it can too easily drive away recklessly.
But to have one's tongue "healed" is something more effective and lasting. And, the healing is
to ensure that one loves others with words spoken.

Of course, much of a victim soul's work for Jesus is to not speak but to simply suffer in
silence. And by simply, it is meant with generosity which is a simple giving over.

The suffering itself might not seem so simple in the exactitude required!

It seems that using the tongue can be very exhausting for one who is suffering. The
energy is depleted by speaking. Best to learn to have the tongue healed in a mode
of not speaking, in silence. Most healing does come silently, does it not? Perhaps
all healing is a silent occurrence. Seems so. And often healing takes time; yes, most
healing takes time other than miraculous, instantaneous cures. And when healing
does not come in a physical or mental sense, there is always the spiritual healing
that always comes, sooner or later.

We must ponder more the supernatural healing from the supernatural realm in which
Jesus operates upon our members--physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

The body that this soul utilizes while on this earth, in this lifetime, has taken a dip in
energy over the past year. So especially, it needs to ponder the spiritual healing and
its vast benefits--and then consider the small sacrifice of the body. For it is a small
sacrifice in the full spectrum of life. The full spectrum is illuminated by the spiritual.
Too bad we are often blind to or blinded by such light and love!

This puts into perspective all the more the delight in having one's tongue healed so
that it can love the other and the Other, to greater effect and to spiritual fullness. To
speak with many tongues or other tongues, might be open to thought, given the aspect
of the spiritual view of communicating! Not much with words, and often not with the
bodily actions. There is a means of speaking spiritually, interiorly, and not even with
thoughts formed in words.

That is a healing of the tongue, surely!

Bullfrogs Moaning

2008-06-02T00:01:00.001-07:00

The bullfrogs moan a lullaby. It is the hour of the Divine Mercy (the one in the middle of the night), and the friend who suffers so from mental issues has recently been e-mailing quotes from St. Faustina's diary. This friend is alone now, for three days, spouse gone to a nephew's confirmation.

The rosary is here in bed, and thoughts turn to praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy for a young woman, college student perhaps, who was in the Communion line and happened to approach where I stood, blessed to be holding the Cup of Christ's Blood. She received, and my heart prayed for her treatments, for she obviously has cancer struggles. Later, this was confirmed through additional observation--being in the place God had me at the right time to learn this. I would like to anonymously give her a saint book. Perhaps St. Faustina's diary? The Lord lets us know all that we need to know, even what books, what prayers, when.

The pain moans like the bullfrogs. It is keeping the body and mind awake. Perhaps an ice pack would help, or praying the Chaplet or praying the rosary. It has been difficult to pray in these modes for some time. The mind seems to more pray in the present moment, with some kind of thoughts, I guess, or something hard to describe. The mind goes where the soul takes it. Does that make sense?

Perhaps the body is hungry for some food? Pain does ask for food. And then I recall what the priest shared the other night after Mass: pain is actually and only "sensations." This is so. I do not mind the pain, but I have to corral the thoughts like the bullfrog moaning in the cattails, on Lake Immaculata's edge. The thoughts that could lead to be overwhelmed with what manual labor ought to be done, and with the desire to have this place in better loving order, and also the errands that loom and projects which ought to be completed--these thoughts must be subdued. For the "sensations" in the body are moaning that it has been out into the world a bit much, or perhaps talking too much, expending energy.

The body has been several days driving to the hospital, walking on tile floors, standing, sitting, and talking with the elderly couple, driving the woman to her town for some needed items, and talking with nurses, and then with family members at a distance. It is not much. An able body could do these little activities and many more. But a body desired by God to suffer "sensations" cannot jump outside its little pond, not even its corner edge of pond, without increasing the "sensations."

But even being awake in the middle of the night, moaning sensations, the praying becomes the moaning like the bullfrog's lullaby. It is a lullaby prayer, mostly for the college girl with cancer, thanking the Lord for her struggle to live, asking Him to give her strength and courage to endure, hoping she can have a full life and health, to turn all the more to Him. Then there are bullfrog prayers for people who read blogs, in general and specific, and for the elderly couple, the woman of which confides she listens to some all-night radio program that has her captivated. It is not a good program, and her adult children have concerns. It is one of those addictive type programs that feed on people's fears, and the host convinces them he has the answers. A talk show that preys upon people's minds.

So I pray for all the people who are lulled into that kind of program, or watch or read similar types of soul-infiltrating propaganda on the internet. Even the news stations that repeat over and over the latest crisis, and the more lurid the better to go into detail--these draw eyes and ears and mind and soul to the flashing images and words scrolled across the screens in hospitals, homes, nursing faciltities, restaurants, bars, airports--all over our world yet not where the bullfrog moans its lullaby.

Now a train slowly passes, across from Lake Immaculata, and there is an engineer on that train. The noise obliterates the bullfrog's moaning lullaby, and perhaps the bullfrog stops moaning, inhibited by the rumbling train. The human ear does not know, for it cannot hear the bullfrog through the train, even if the moans coincide.

This is how one can manage pain--or rather, sensations. They may be superseded by other sensations, such as thoughts, prayers, moaning lullaby prayers. Love of others which sings the lullaby in frog moans or train rumblings. There is room for both and all types of sensations, and prayers can be considered sensations, can they not?

Now, just as one train passes, another slowly churns by, a different rumble tone, more rattling. It is unusual for two trains to pass in the night, so close in sequence. Is that not like the bullfrog's on-going moaning lullaby? Is that not how prayer can moan sweetly, one thought following another, or passing each other on their way from mind to soul to God?

A victim soul constantly seeks prayer, for the "sensations" of suffering seek to moan the lullaby like the bullfrog sings. There was silence as the train moans distanced from the ear; the bullfrog was still. So that is answered. And now it takes up the silent space and fills it with first soft moans and now load lullaby moans. Not as predominant as before the trains, but yet filling in the silent night with its throaty vibrations. One can see with inner sight, the bullfrogs pale throat vibrating like a loose drum skin.

One can see with inner sight the vibrations of people's needs, their hopes, their sorrows, and the world's drawing souls in wrong directions.

The body will need its rest, and so perhaps the effort should be made to rise and walk to the refrigerator for an ice pack. Aren't we so fortunate to have so many luxuries and comforts as to be provided with means to distract one sensation, or perhaps create new sensations, overlapping one with the other, at least for a time.

And mercy! Amazing that now is a third train, this one approaching with announcement down the line at a cross road a mile previous, blaring a horn warning. It moves slowly, though past the woods, past Lake Immaculata, past the bullfrog now silent (or so it is assumed from the last train that revealed following, a stilled throat), past the victim soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, silently praying while bodily sensations vibrate, the prayers hoping to join moaning lullabys with the will of God.

Now for the ice pack, and why not hold the rosary under the pillow, and at least begin the more formalized prayer of Divine Mercy?

Running on Fumes

2008-05-31T03:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Renewed a simple offering of suffering, spoken interiorly but with the heart, during the Consecration.

It is a prayer from the Raccolta: Heart of Jesus, Victim of Love, vouchsafe that I become a living, holy, pleasing holocaust in Thy sight.

An old monk from an abbey told me three and a half years ago to pray this and it would bring joy. Well, the joy is one thing--but he neglected to mention it would also secure more suffering! Guess that is the point!

My dear Lord! A visit to an adult child and family tested the little gain of energy following the major depletion of six weeks prior. A comment was made, noticing less energy than the year before. Well, the body does age! But it is more than that. The attitude was commended, but was told that the adult child could always tell when the pain was worse--that there was a kind of pushing through which made the sufferer seem a bit ingenuine.

Perhaps so! It is one way to describe it! I suppose it is ingenuine to experience agony and act chipper (as possible) at the same time. But, the adult child was told that this is what Jesus asks of us, and the Scriptures throughout: I say it again, rejoice! Count it all joy.... Pick up your cross daily and follow Me. Sow with tears; reap with joy. I explained the path in which one is to practice the virtues, and to attempt to mask personal suffering if possible, and if not possible, to at least offer it with love to Jesus for His use--and then that is the joy of the whole matter of suffering. It is more blessed to give than to receive.

The prayer renewed yesterday (and off and on throughout the year, with the vows of suffering fully renewed and received by a priest on the Feast of St. Pio) DOES ask the Heart of Jesus to secure that the petitioner be a holy and a pleasing holocaust in HIS sight.

Once more, we have to consider how Jesus views matters of life, of suffering. Yes, the petitioner asks to be made, also, a living holocaust. So the pain is going to be best utilized when one is alive. That is sort of like the Scripture that states that hope which is seen is no hope at all. A body that is dead does not feel ripping pain in its members! It is feels no pain at all.

But being a living holocaust (in HIS sight) means more, for the interior, once more, is what God views. The interior lives on, and it is in the interior where unadulterated joy can exist despite the exterior pain. And the interior joy can exist within the soul, despite the interior mental and emotional pain which many people experience--so many people.

The saints such as Joan of Arc whose feast day was yesterday, also, became living, holy, pleasing holocausts in His sight. And they had the interior joy, and that manifested in peak experiences of suffering, and manifested from the interior to the exterior through a countenance or words, or no words but essence.

Forgiveness is the fertilizer of joy. It seems so. Forgiveness allows love to grow, and there can be no joy without love. And the action of fertilizer within a plant is not visibly seen--not the action. But the reaction is observed in growth, in the beauty of fresh leaves, of blooms, of inches on branches, pine flowers turning to cones, of tiny fruits forming, then burgeoning into luscious edibles. Jesus points out the tiniest of seeds grows into a mustard plant which can become more like a tree.

Well, energy welled up three days ago, finally, and then the body was called upon in the line of duty--and it was a rather joyful matter, yet once more quite demanding physically. So now the body is in physical agony, and the thoughts must be kept moderated, for the abode is in disarray, laundry needs to be folded, counters cleared. And there is little energy to "do."

The body actually burns with pain, particularly with nerve pain shooting here and there like flames licking the legs and the heat filling the torso. The head fills with the smoky dizziness that can accompany an expenditure of much energy, pushing through on few fumes.

It is at times like this, that one must calmly reflect upon the prayer offering, and know that Jesus has vouchsafed the soul what it asked. Living? Check. Pleasing? Hope so. Loving? Didn't think so but from what other source than God-Is-Love did the body and soul manage the past few days of being called upon in active charity? Of course it is God and His love that did so! Holocaust? Yes, check.

Then, one must reflect on nost so much the burning pain or the fact the body is running on fumes, but must see in the rear view mirror and the side mirrors, that the breath remains, the heart beating, and the day dawns green with hope albeit through fog-smoked windows.

Not so painful running on fumes, for joy is in the fumes, too. Just don't step on the gas at this point!

More on Bruised Reeds....

2008-05-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

Well, perhaps--just thoughts. No authoritative answer on why a bruised reed He will not break!

However, it does seem that bruises have the particularly quality of providing humility. They are a humbling wound, injury, mark. They come often from humbling bumps, hits, internal injuries, hidden and unknown causes that one cannot pinpoint, as well as from, sadly, abuse.

A bruised eye can come from a fall, walking into a door edge, or being hit in the face.

Bruises are unattractive injuries. Often they cannot be seen by others, but yet they are painful when touched. They color up and change into ochre-looking, under-skin ponds of blood and other bodily fluid, drying up sub-skin tissue. In the case of interior bruises, they are felt and not seen. The suffering is not visible to others, and there is no sympathy unless one explains.

The Lord does not break humble souls. He stretches them, it seems. Humility allows the bruised soul assurance of the Lord's love; and love is expressed in humble suffering.

Jesus was bruised but not broken. Not a bone was broken!

Anyway, it seems a consideration. And bruises are thus more appealing for the spiritually desirous victim soul, for the virtue of humility surfaces once more as a definite benefit and grace. There is a balm in the humble bruise.

A Bruised Reed He Will Not Break

2008-05-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

Had to remind myself of this just now. My, the pain is searing. The energy is nearly non-existent. Might have to get back in bed in a bit. Morning Mass had message of selfishness--how we become very drawn into the smaller picture rather than seeing the large view of God. Jesus did tell Peter and the others that they will drink the cup He drinks--but to sit at His right or left is God's prerogative.

Last night it seemed in reality, that I am dying. It is not a sudden death, but there is an obvious decline within the last year. An adult child noticed the decrease in energy and the greater effort to endure, to gut it out and keep going. The attitude was not faulted, thankfully, for there is still the little chant: I'm a happy, positive, upbeat, inside-out-joyful, Eucharistic Catholic. Around non-Catholic family members I do not add the final two words, out of charity, for they would balk at any of the words, then. They do not comprehend. It is the being a Eucharistic Catholic that makes the other words a possibility in actuality.

Took three over-the-counters this morning, spread out before and after Mass. In the prayer while receiving the Host, in a rare intercession (for me), I prayed for myself, that the Lord would refresh me and help me endure. So much for selfishness and the homily pointing out how easy it is to remain self-focused! My prayer was an act of desperation, and I know this priest would understand.

His point, however, is quite thoughtful. He prays prior to Mass and prepares well in advance, asking the Lord to give him insights as to what He would like him to preach. So this morning, the insight came that we carry much anger, hatred of others, and self-focus--to the exclusion of being able to view God's expansive sight.

As for recent (self) concerns that I have not love, or that I am frighteningly detached, this morning a good dose of pain and through the night, reminds me that one who is dying, who is drained, is like the lawn mower yesterday that started to slow, then sputter, then get a spurt and cut a few more feet before its healthy growling became a weak whining, and then silence. It was out of gas.

A bruise is a slow kind of dying. The cells have been injured on the inside, and die, and gradually the bluish red turns greenish blue and fades to yellow brown. It seems that my body has an inside-out, over-all bruise. The life source is waning. The bruised reed is not going to break, for bruises are platitudinous and not like an arm or leg that can be snapped. But, the point is, a bruise can weaken an area of the body, and in that weakened area, there is vulnerability.

The Lord will not break the soul at its innocent, vulnerable spots. Yet He allows the vulnerable spots and the bruises. These spots with bruises are a visible reminder (most often from the inside out but sometimes visible to self and others from the outside in) that the soul must take rest to heal; and then must avoid that which causes bruises, if possible.

Now, if the bruises come from encounters unavoidable, then the soul must simply have faith that the encounters will not break it, for the Lord will not break a bruised soul.

Can anyone break a bruised soul? Not really. It might seem like encounters with others and circumstances from the world--or even the faults and consequences of the self--can break a soul. But the Lord is over all, and a soul cannot be broken. It can be condemned, but who causes it to be cast into Hell? The self.

For those who suffer and who offer their sufferings, who have agreed to the sufferings for Jesus to utilize as He will and if He wills, the bruises can be continuous and all over, even internal. Maybe especially internal bruises. But the soul who turns to Jesus with its black eyes and bruised kidneys is reassured that it will not be snapped in two or more pieces.

Bruises can take a long time to heal. Sometimes they even effect internal bleeding. Well, a victim cannot be considered a victim until it loses the last drop of blood! I have not suffered yet unto blood....

When the bruises drain the body of seemingly the last drop of energy, and the blood seems anemic, it is best to not have a huge list of chores, but to develop a realistic plan for the day. Perhaps it is a day to pray, to doze, to tidy up one small area or two, with breaks, and to do smile exercise rather than plant ground cover or paint a door frame or run an errand.

Smiling does not take much muscle but is known to be rather healing, and if the smile is turned to the crucifix on the wall or a statue of the Sacred Heart, or even to the picture of the Sorrowful Mother or Virgin in Prayer, the Lord and His mother see that the victim soul is still trying to adore and be joyful.

Sufferings of Liturgical Abuse

2008-05-25T12:22:00.001-07:00

Perhaps this is a stretch for some to comprehend, but there is genuine suffering of soul and mind and body when one goes to a Catholic Church in which the Mass is mangled, the Sanctuary not representative of what Pope Benedict XVI has requested/mandated of all Catholic Churches--and the gestures in the Mass not what the USCB have agreed upon.

There ought to be a site as in a consumer complaint site, to forewarn unsuspecting Catholics who move or visit and attend Mass. At least they ought to know what is in store for them, if it is going to mean suffering. Mass attendees, beware! Scammed from a liturgically safe Mass! Ripped off by disobedience in fellow Catholics and clergy! Well, it is a thought.

Surely Jesus would desire the anguish of liturgical abuse and the underlying disobedience to be offered in reparation for sins and for souls--whatever Jesus can use it for.

Such disobedience, according to mystics and saints and the Blessed Virgin Mary, grieve and offends our Lord Jesus Christ. It ought to grieve and offend all Catholics, lay and cleric and religious, dead and alive.

Just Suffering

2008-05-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

Noticed some internet information regarding victim souls, and a prayer of St. Catherine of Siena. I am reading her biography but have not come to the section on her stigmatization.

Regardless, I noticed other information that mentions that victim souls are chosen by God and are not that common. But, it seemed that these were commenting on those victim souls with the stigmata. There was some distinction between offering up suffering and being a victim soul. Well, there is, as has been written about in a previous blog. But, there is far more room for victim souls in our world, and souls ought to remain quite open to this vocation.

On a personal note, my suffering has increased quite a bit lately, and in this I can tell that my body has less resiliance, is more weary, and is facing more unknowns.

These unknowns are the vulnerability of keeping up a place to live, of visiting when asked and expected, of becoming more stabilized in the vocation with faith in that as the vocation. It is in the vulnerability of not knowing if one can endure, or what will be next--if the body will recover a bit more energy or not, if the body will be able to endure the suffering, if the attitude and emotions will strive for praise and joy and attain that (or maintain a decent level).

All is a trust in the Lord that is beyond the trust previously demanded of the soul. The detachment in many areas has grown stronger, sometimes rather frighteningly so--or surprisingly so, at least. The progression continues, and the mind is not sure it even takes note--and is sure it does not take note of many details but rather lets them float across the mind, not lodging in nooks and crannies, but simply floating on and out from whence they came in the busy world.

It is just suffering. Not just--but suffering that is just to endure, to be given, to offer. It is justifiable suffering, a kind of suffering that is of justice of God.

I am too tired to explain that, for it is just suffering, and that seems enough. Perhaps I will look up the word "just" in the dictionary, or anyone reading this who wants to comprehend it better, can do so, also.

Suffering Heightens Self-Awareness

2008-05-19T14:11:00.001-07:00

This is not necessarily a good effect of suffering. But, one must turn it into a positive through prayer and love. One must at times force the suffering outward, to turn it to Jesus who is without and within, as we are within His Sacred Heart.

Jesus is without among human beings all over the earth; and He is within their souls, knows their minds, and is aware of their emotions and actions. As He is with ours.

So in time of suffering, such as today when the pain is even affecting the feet very much, and there is gardening to do and watering of the Samaritan Dogwood whose leaves are withering from too much wind in a recent planting, the pain is offered to Jesus for all the thoughts of others, for their souls, for the Church, for the confessor who this morning took time to listen, to advise, and to gently lead the soul into some self-awareness that was positive.

The positive aspect was the fact of the sense of too much self--too much self-awareness. Too much selfish sensitivity. From a negative can come a positive, and the positive must remain a force to push upward and out, like the perennials beginning to peek through the warming soil, or the buds on the Jeanne d'Arc Rose of Sharon, thankfully showing signs of life when a week ago it was feared to be martyred by the winter judgment.

For any who would think a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus ever comes to a point of suffering well, of suffering selflessly, of having it all together and pert-near all the answers: Not so. The suffering creeps in like weeds whose roots were never totally expunged, or like weeds whose roots were yanked fully out, but the seeds had already dropped for more weedlets to grow. The Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart must be a diligent weeder as well as a persevering gardener. What flowers can bloom or leaves unfold if the soil is overrun by weeds?

Yet, the weeds persist until the gardener is no more, and they persist for the next gardeners.

The over-the-counter pain medication, doubled up, is helping some, and this victim soul must bundle up to the wind and chill of this May day, and return to a pathway to be planted in ground cover called "Green Carpet." It is said that green is the color of hope.

It is hoped that this victim soul will pray much for others, offer every ounce of added pain radiating from tendrilled nerves, to Jesus for His use with the billions of souls living and dead with whom He resides--many of whom reside in Him.

For pain of all types can draw one inward to self, and that self can choke charity, and that self can reap negativity in a quick-wilting effect. One must create room for the cross to grow in a healthy manner, and the best soil is that within the Sacred Heart.

What Makes a Victim Soul: the Spiritual Da's Thoughts

2008-05-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

The spiritual da the other afternoon agreed with what had been written in the previous blog about how one knows if one is a victim soul, and if a victim soul is different than one who offers up sufferings, in general.

He said a victim soul is different than those who generously and kindly but simply offer up suffering (and suffering is never "simply" suffered!). He said that in a vocation, a person is chosen by God and the person agrees and accepts. Being a victim soul contains these elements, then.

Offering sufferings is very good and what we are expected to do, but the vocation of suffering steps further into a kind of contract as well as covenant. It requires God's action, God's choosing, God's approval and His acceptance, as well as ours.

Offering it up--our sufferings--is like scattering wildflower seeds in a field. Having the vocation as a victim soul is like being a young Butterfly Magnolia tree that is cultivated early on (often without realizing it), and then potted, and then planted in a deep hole with soil amendments, and then fertlized and grown as a kind of specimen that is pruned and expected to bloom and provide other specific expectations throughout the four seasons.

All are God's creation and function within His will. The seeds grow into many beautiful wildflowers, blooming at different times of the spring and summer and into fall, and some re-seed for the next season and some wither for their offering is finished by All Saints Day or before. They are appreciated, beloved, and glorious--individually and en masse.

The tree grows into what it was created and planted and groomed to be, also. But it is rooted in a different manner and is hardened off for the duration of its God-willed function.

Is one better than the other? Of course not! But the nature and purpose and cultivation and effect are different.

Does this help to comprehend a bit? The wildflowers from seeds offer fragrance as does the Butteryfly Magnolia; but the wildflowers are variegated and various and vulnerably fleeting contrasted to the more singular expectation of the Butterfly Magnolia. (Or perhaps it would have been better to have utilized the Kousa Dogwood with its small pinkish-blood cross, veined within the snow-white bloom.)

Within the flowers and the trees of God's created power and will, they themselves do not consider too much what they are but humbly and obediently live their destinies in His kingdom.

A Victim Soul or Not?

2008-05-11T16:33:00.001-07:00

A loving, suffering soul left a comment with questions on another blog, but I felt it fit best in victim soul content as opposed to the hermit category. I did respond on that blog, some, but prayed and waited and have a bit more to contribute, such as it is.

This is the comment with questions:

My life seems to be one of suffering. Even though I have suffered my whole life, I feel that since I found Jesus (many years ago), my sufferings have increased but also I have had so many more blessings too. How do I know if Jesus wants me to be a victim soul? If I offer myself to suffer could that be wrong? (I have actually offered already many years ago, but I am not sure if He took me up on it- I definitely suffer but am I a victim soul? I don't know.) Lately I feel like I find myself wondering what can I do for God? What am I doing? Am I supposed to offer myself for others or did I just assume that? I actually abhor the thought of suffering and I am a hypochondriac. I suffer from much anxiety and always have since my childhood. I have numerous health issues. How do I know if I am given these from Jesus or not? I am afraid to be self- supposing and assume Jesus wants me to be a victim soul for I am very prideful and so far from perfection that I don't feel I can trust my own self or my motives. Are they my self-serving motives somehow or HIs? I actually believe He wants all souls to be united with Him, but I feel so unworthy. I can picture others being called but not myself. My failings and sins seem so apparently visible to me that they cause me suffering. I am also a mother. Should a mother offer herself in that way? For I feel guilty that I have asked for suffering and my husband and family are of course affected by my life. My children especially have been afflicted with health problems and this in turn feels like a sword in my heart. I can imagine no other worse way to suffer than to see my children in pain- what if I have indirectly asked for this by offering to suffer? Lastly, Is being a victim soul the same as offering up our sufferings. We are taught to offer it up, that all souls suffer to win souls. Is that the same as being a victim soul? I do hope you will reply. I am in agony just over wether I am doing the right thing or not. Many times I feel restless in my faith like there is an upheaval of sorts going on in my soul but I have no idea why. I feel so very alone. It's not like I have a hand book or know a community that has this charism. My husband is a lukewarm catholic (he hasn't been given the gift of faith and seems to choose what suits him and doesn't worry much about salvation) and my extended family are atheists. I feel alone and have no-one to turn to about the matter.

After a few days of prayer and pondering, the first response is that I don't know. I don't know who is a victim soul or not, but the soul will know if God needs the soul to know. Once, someone realized they were a mystic. The Lord then asked, "Why do you need a label?"

So, whether or not one is a victim soul, might not matter as much as living out the modality of a victim soul, which, like a hermit, has certain "givens." One is that the person offers whatever suffering comes--offers this with gratitude for Christ to use as He wills. This might be for reparation of sins of particular souls, of one's own soul, or of unknown souls. The victim soul does not need to know. Perhaps Jesus will decide to let the person know, however. And whatever. But another given is that one vocation will not preclude or interfere negatively with another vocation, such as marriage. The daily duty must continue, and a sacramental vocation such as marriage would not be jeopardized--at least not by God!

That is why it seems reasonable that there are degrees within the vocation of victim soul. Does the suffering come from God? Well, would it come from the devil? If one does not have a peace with the suffering, or is taking pride in the suffering over a period of time, and discovers that the suffering is a manifestation of the psyche, then it probably is not from God. But even sufferings of the mind and emotions can be utilized and offered to God, even if they are not per se from God--or the underlying motives are confused and not holy (pride, desire for recognition, or other pathologies, etc.). It seems from my limited experience, that when something is tainted by the devil, there is no better way to flush the evil out than by telling God that you aren't sure if the suffering is from him or not, but that regardless you are offering it to Him, and are acknowledging it all to be His and His alone.

Of course, one can simply ASK God if the suffering is from Him, and then wait, pray, and in time one will have an answer.

Is it right to ask for suffering? Well, the saints did. St. Peter asked to be crucified upside down, which would bring even more suffering. He had a reason for this penance, this act of submission and humility: witnessing that he is unworthy to be crucified in the manner of Christ. It was some mortification, huh?

Is being a victim soul the same as offering up our sufferings? The vocation as a victim soul is a vocation. Offering up our sufferings seems more an act that might not include a full-rooted vocation. However, as I have previously written and suggested five levels of vows as a victim soul, even if situational, one can surely be a situational victim soul. What is required in a vocation, however, is a call. The call can be subtle, over time, or immediate and loud and clear. If there has been a long-enduring sense that one is being asked to suffer on behalf of souls, and if there is a desire for this which is not from an emotional or psychological pathology, then chances are that is a call.

One can test calls, of course. Pray. Ponder. Continue on in daily life with doing one's earthly duty. Are the dishes being washed and laundry folded and put away? Are family needs being met? Is the prayer life stable, Mass attendance regular, confession on-going, spiritual direction sought and accepted? Someone with a vocation seeks advice from the priest, confessor, spiritual director--to help discern the vocation call. Then, one continues to live, and over time, especially with suffering and the vocation as a victim soul, God will give affirmations along the way. Even something like hypochondria can be a suffering worth offering to Jesus for reparation. However, victim souls do not take pride in their sufferings and so seek alleviation to the sufferings.

This is perhaps one of the best discernment tools. If the suffering can be alleviated by medication, therapy, or other mortal means (which are given by God Who gives us all good), then the person will know that at least the suffering was situational, for a certain period of time. That would eliminate, at least for that time phase, being a primary victim soul or even a secondary one.

Perhaps it is best to keep in mind that God would not desire the soul to fret about it too much. One can ask to be a victim soul, and God will either say "yes" or "no." If one has offered to suffer, and one suffers, then in time there will be some kind of peace and affirmations as to the vocation's validity.

Again, it probably isn't so important to know if one is a victim soul or not, but to have faith that if one offered to suffer and is suffering, that at least that has been allowed by God. Even if the sufferings are not so much physical, they can be offered with love and joy. Even if the sufferings are spiritual in nature, they can be offered with love and joy.

Perhaps the distinction between "offering it up" and being a "victim soul" is that there is a kind of agreement between the soul and Jesus in the vocation aspect. The victim soul has offered first or been asked first, either way, and the person has some indications that Jesus has accepted the offer--or the person has told Jesus that the person agrees to the suffering, to this vocation. A vow given and received by a priest helps dispel the doubts, for the priest would have spent time going over the situation with the person making the vow.

Sometimes a person might make a private vow before the Tabernacle, or in the night in bed! But, it does seem very prudent to then discuss this vocation with a priest who has some understanding of suffering and of victim souls. Read many books of victim souls, but do not think that any path will be the same. And, one must not let the imagination take over, for that is the devil's playground--once the gate is opened to emotions and imagination.

Trust that the Lord will let you know, when and where and how He deems you need to know if you are a victim soul or not. In the mean time, suffer to love and love to suffer.

I pray this answers the questions, somewhat, or at least gives some ideas as to how to proceed, for the person who wrote such a lovely, heartfelt comment with questions.

That Your Joy Will Be Complete

2008-04-25T06:26:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at noon Mass the priest spoke of Christ's giving us peace so that our joy may be complete. He shared of a friend who told him four ways in which our joy will always be complete. They are practical statements of advice: always pay your bills, pay your taxes, watch your health, and obey God's commandments.

For the first two, it is obvious that stress and trouble come from not paying what we owe. At a deeper level, we have problems of all kinds when we do not obey God's commandments.

What stopped me short was the advice to watch our health, for if we do not have good health our joy, then, will not be complete. I did not have opportunity to ask him about this after Mass. Perhaps I ask too many questions, as I'd asked a couple two days in a row having to do with Scripture or something said in a homily.

But it seems as if one can watch one's health, but often (most often?) health is something one cannot control. Yes, we can eat properly, not smoke, not drink (this is following God's commandments in various ways), exercise, and try to have loving attitudes and inner calm. But one cannot control various diseases or illnesses coming on, or a drunk driver altering one's spine, or a stroke or heart disease or various maladies that stem from heredity.

Does that mean that all these people will not have complete joy? It is hard for me to fathom that God would intend that, for he says our joy will be complete in Christ.

Yes, for those who suffer poor health, it is very challenging to be joyful for one has to in extra measure cooperate with God, comprehend suffering as joy, accept suffering as a means of purification and of reparation for souls, and also to be open to receiving the grace of joy from God which often comes from the Holy Spirit and at times, also, through the mediation of graces from the Blessed Virgin Mary.

There is effort in one who suffers to cooperate with God in having joy. Complete joy is something I desire, and I desire it all the time. This morning my joy is not as complete as it is sometimes, and that makes one wonder if complete joy can be less complete and yet still complete joy. However, I will take some over the counter pain relievers, for often I forget to do that! It does help in joyfulness to have some of the pain assuaged. But more than subdued pain, the attitude and interior disposition seems to be the pivotal point of complete joy. Without love and graciousness of the mind and soul--of attitude--complete joy seems far less complete and squeezed out by irritability.

In general, one can watch one's health. But watching it does not mean one will always have good health. In fact, we all do suffer and die. Does that mean our joy is not complete and will not be complete? I think this statement is good advice but does not hold through in what Jesus hopefully meant. Our joy is complete in Him. That is a different kind of joy than a temporal kind of joy. Complete joy is only possible in Jesus Christ, and that requires loving Him and having a very close and personal relationship with Him.

In fact, it might have less to do with matters such as physical health.

I give much leeway to the practical suggestions offered for having complete joy, since the priest was sharing what a friend in Nigeria had said. In a country and culture with many trials of survival and health problems, one would view complete joy in practical ways and not quite in the same way as those who have more health aides and medical availability. Yet, it is a good idea to watch one's health, for without health, life is indeed altered and challenging in may ways.

Strange Virus

2008-04-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

Even a strange virus can be offered to God for reparation for sins. "I offer this for love of Thee, Jesus, for the conversion of sinners and for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary."

One day it can be better, and then a relapse hits. The coughing continues but not as frequently. The strange feeling of not being totally attached in the body comes and goes, one day in and one day out.

The ankles are painful and swollen. It is not easy to walk, but walk one must.

Yes, there are specific concerns for which to offer the strange virus to God. Not one cough or ache or icky sensation should be wasted. Even if there are moments of weakened attitude--these moments can be offered. Then, one must remember to offer the joys and the positive good spirit of suffering, as well.

Amazing Grace, a weeping Douglas Fir in the back Mary Garden of Agnus Dei, is dying. It was all right prior to leaving for the private retreat. Now it is dying from the top down, each day browning more and heading toward the lower branches. It is planted near the property line by the neighbors' house, and it may be as in the case with Green Spiral last fall, that their sprinkler system placed on the line, is causing too much water for a pine tree.

The death of Amazing Grace is worth offering to the Lord on High, for who shall climb the Holy Mountain? One with pure heart. The love of a weeping specimen tree and the expense of it, the expense of having it planted, and eventually of digging it out and letting it go to the landfill, is worthy of thought and joy in a life lived well. Yes, pine trees live and breathe and add beauty to the earth; and their deaths come and go as ours. Some notice and others do not, that life comes and goes in a variety of forms and species. The pure of heart love as much as possible, all life and note with equanimity of spirit the passing of even the smallest of events.

Even events lives and die. The Carthusian who wrote "The Interior Life" commented on experiences being very much a creation of God. And all creation comes from God for the benefit of the souls created by God. We learn from major sufferings and seemingly minor ones, that nothing is wasted for those who are on the trek, who seek God with pure heart and much love. Even if the love is tainted with some dead pine needles sticking out from our human minds and hands, we can desire to love with green hope and always with the amazing grace God provides.

An Opus Dei Vicar General in the land visited, reminded that I must be close to the Holy Spirit and to know that He is my friend, my parent, my brother, my Beloved. Yes, the Holy Spirit is what transforms all in the Sacraments; the Holy Spirit is love. The Holy Spirit breathes on us the breath of God and gives life to our forms and the forms of God's creation. For humans, the Holy Spirit animates our very souls.

Even the strange virus has a place in the body at this time, and while the body tries to eliminate it and cough it out, the healing comes as God wills. For now, there is much good use of the illness, and it is well and loving to offer this weakness for many intentions, for whatever use God wills of this time of decreased energy. The fresh spring air fills Agnus Dei from outside in, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary remains close to the maidservant of the Handmaid of the Lord.

Suffering the Small Stuff

2008-03-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

Am reading a book titled Self-Renunciation. The points regarding being over-sensitive find berth in self-examination. Being sensitive could be considered a suffering; but it is really a kind of vice, for behind the scenes of too much sensitivity lurks pride. The author explains how this is so. It does make sense. Also, sometimes when one is too sensitive, the sensitivity can become an excuse.

Some people might say they are "weak" and rely on their weakness to not have to change their ways, or to put forth more effort. Some even say, "Well, Jesus loves the weak. He loves me as I am!" But this is not a holy kind of sensitivity, in weakness, or in over-emotion in situations. Being overly sensitive reverts to "self"; and the sensitivity can become a means of drawing attention, of even enjoying how sensitive one has become.

In another aspect, being too sensitive allows one to more easily take offense, to think someone who ignores or makes a passing comment, has intended it for the person who is caught up in self and sensitivity to self, regarding all events and actions surrounding self.

Being overly sensitive can become a hidden illness. The suffering of it is not a holy type of suffering but more a vicious suffering, meaning: of vice. But, if one catches oneself in this form of suffering, it is as well to offer it to God--and then change one's ways! Selfish suffering is not good for us and can be easily healed through prayer, will, and desire to be not insensitive--but to be balanced through other-focused sensitivity.

Even in being other-focused, the sensitivity must be modulated, for no one is helped by one's extravagant feelings. Rending the heart is good; rending the garments is unnecessary display.

The next point the author makes deals with facing that most think they could do something great for God, when the time would come--yet daily have difficulty enduring the small challenges which equally beg heroic virtue.

These are the small sufferings of the body, mind, heart and soul. They include very much the encounters and experiences with others and with self. The author suggests expending effort in these seemingly small duties (which often are akin to small sufferings) with the reminder that many of us may never have the opportunity for a massive, heroic show of virtue and love of God. So it is in enduring the allergy, not being piqued by the customer service rep in handling a material matter, closing a door gently, keeping the voice soft and even in tense conversations (or in any conversation), standing guard over our words, maintaining a pleasant, peaceful facial expression, assessing our body language with the goal of meekness and modesty, and doing all unpleasant or menial tasks as if they were the most valuable to God and for souls.

Victim souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus may tend to await the day of horrendous suffering, of the stigmata's arrival, or other such eventful agonies. It is subtly revealing of temptation to pride, to find it easier to suffer well in public or when others know of some major pain or problem. But the lot of most victim souls, all their lives, is to suffer the small stuff.

When one suffers the small stuff, with no one knowing and with no one even suspecting, the training in heroic virtue commences. If a note to a sick person can be written without self-acclaim, if the carpet can be vacuumed despite the painful back, if the slights and insults can be accepted without complaint to others--and even to God and self, then there are the beginnings of wisdom. The beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord, and victim souls must learn to fear--and to be in awe--of God Who suffered all the small stuff just like we are called to do, and He suffered them in silence and penance. He also suffered the Passion, but this, too, in silence and penance. And He suffers day in and night out, still, for He is right here with us, as we also are through, with and in Him. And that means all our small, daily faults are known to Him and cause Him no small amount of suffering.

Christ is as close to us as He was to the paralytic of whom He asked, "What do you want?" The man wanted to be healed, and so he was healed. Jesus asks us, "What do you want?", and a victim soul's answer might be quite different than others' answers; but only Jesus should hear the reply.

Perhaps today we answer Jesus, "I want to suffer well the small stuff, for the glory of God and the salvation of souls."

What do I want? Well, today I want to cough and blow my nose as a prayer for all the intentions I've been asked to pray for. I want to vacuum the whole hermitage for the return of missing children to their homes. I want to finish organizing the office items and books in the small library room: for every priest in the whole world to have increased zeal and obedience in their vocation. I want to preach Christ crucified in very small ways today, in words and gestures, in thoughts and hopes. I want to not criticize anyone or anything but rather to consider others' excellent qualities and the good aspects of all God's creation.

Yes, I want to be healed of this allergy, to be allowed to know what is the cause, but I also want everyone with allergies to be healed of them. Yet, I want to be patient with it and not focus on self, of the breathing pain and the coughing. And not to leap into clearing out items that might be the cause, for I want to suffer the small (but huge) fault of impulsiveness until patience reigns.

This is what I want, as Jesus is constantly here, asking, "What do you want?" I want to be perfect as Our Heavenly Father is perfect. And suffering the small stuff is an offering to Jesus that hopefully will help, at least, shave off yet more of the many small human imperfections.

The Staretz on Spiritual Warfare

2008-02-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

St. Silouan the Staretz speaks much of humility: to humble our souls. Humility is necessary for obedience, for love, and also for combat against evil. It seems so much suffering is brought upon ourselves, from within ourselves, when we become agitated and irritated over daily events and encounters.

Reading the thoughts of St. Silouan bring peace in the reading, and they express beautifully the Way of Christ, His Truth, His Life. Our friend the staretz shares with us how to proceed in God's commandments.

"If you have followed your own will, then you are conquered by the enemy, and despondency will come upon your soul. If you hate your fellow it means that you have fallen away from God, and an evil spirit has taken possession of you.

"But if you do good unto your brother you will gain rest for your conscience. If yuou subdue your own will your enemies will be driven off, and you will receive peace in your soul.

"If you forgive your brother the affronts he puts upon you, and love your enemies, then you will receive forgiveness for your sins, and the Lord will let you come to know the love of the Holy Spirit.

"And when you have humbled yourself entirely, you will find perfect rest in God.

"Let us love our fellows, and the Lord will love us. Think not, O my soul, that the Lord loveth thee if thou look askance upon any man. Rahter is it then that thou art beloved of the devils, in that thou hast become their servant; but be not slow to repent, and ask the Lord for strength to love thy brother, and thou wilt then see that there is peace in thy soul....

"The spiritual fruits of love are plain: peace and joy in the soul, with all men dear to you, and you shed abundant tears for your fellow-man and for every thing taht hath breath and all creation....

"St John the Divine declares that God's commandments are not grievous but a light burden. But they are light only where there is love--where love is not present everything is difficult. Therefore, preserve love and lose it not, for though it is possible to recover love, this can only be at the cost of many tears and prayers, and without love life on earth is hard. To continue in malice is death to the soul, from which may the Lord save us."

These thoughts which emphasize the teachings of Jesus Christ, flesh out for us by another human being, the reality of what Jesus asks of us--and what we MUST DO. In suffering, we must be careful to not suffer that which is a suffering of our own lack of love and forgiveness; this is not suffering brought by God as gift but rather suffering in collusion with the devil. It is evil suffering, hate suffering, self-pitying suffering. As St. Silouan says, it is death to the soul.

Forgiveness, humility, obedience, love--all must be in place as the front guard against the legion of devils which would rather us retain hurt and anger--sufferings of the soul that come from insults, injuries, and even vicious crimes against us. If we do not forgive and love (humble ourselves to do this out of obedience to Jesus Christ who did all this even though He Is God and is Love Incarnate), we are not victim souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus but rather make ourselves victims souls of Satan. This is so true.

St. Silouan offers a test. One day pray to the Holy Spirit to love all mankind, and go about the day and night in love and forgiveness. The next day, live without love and forgiveness, and we will see the difference. Well, I do not even want to risk that day without love, for I have had them--I have had days of anger, hurt, self-pity, justified agony from grievous injuries--but yet struggle with forgivenss and letting anger breed even more hate. I didn't think I was hating, but to not forgive those who have hurt us most, is the opposite of love. That is hate. How do we forgive? It takes pray, desire to forgive, and practice of the will to forgive. The Holy Spirit will work on our souls, minds, hearts and bodies; one day we will realize we have no hate and only love for that person or situation that was so hurtful.

St. Silouan's patron saint is St. Simeon the Stylite. Simeon was seven years old when Jeuss appeared to him, and the young boy asked Jesus how they crucified Him. Jesus replied, stretching out His arms, "Thus did crucify Me; but it was My desire. And do thou crucify thyself with Me every day."

"Thus must we urge ourselves all our lives to do good, and above all we must forgive others their trespasses, and the Lord will then not be mindful of our own sins, and will give us the grace of the Holy Spirit."

St. Silouan reminds us again to humble ourselves before God and man. He relates the vision of devils assailing him, and of praying to the Lord, and of God telling him: "Keep thy mind in hell, and despair not." So from then on, he never forgot what could await his soul, and yet he did not despair but yearned after the Lord all the more, and sought Him in tears, and forgave and loved all God's creation. He pondered his death and the thought of the abode of the dark prison of hell, and all the more he longed for God, for the Lord Who his soul knew and loved.

St.Silouan admonishes souls to repent and then we will perceive the mercy of the Lord. He warns to set aside visions for they are a source of evil pride and sweet vanity. Where there is no lowly spirit of repentance, the trouble lies therein, "for without humility, it is impossible to vanquish the enemy".

What to do if our soul is disquieted and we feel an evil spirit working within us? St. Silouan says, "...do not quail but confess yourself thoroughly and earnestly, and entreat a lowly spirit of the Lord, and the Lord will give without fail. then, according to the measure of your humility, you will be sensible of grace within you; and when your soul finally humbles herself, then will you attain perfect rest.

"And this is the war man wages his life long.

"The soul that has come to know the Lord through the Holy Spirit does not take fright if afterwards she suffer beguilement, but remembering the love of God, and knowing that conflict with the enemy is loosed on her because of vanity and pride, humbles herself and begs the Lord for healing, and the Lord heals--sometimes swiftly, sometimes slowly and gradually....

"Prayer to be clear and unsullied requires inner peace; but peace cannot exist in the soul without obedience and temperance.

"The holy Fathers ranked obedience above fasting and prayer since a man who knows not obedience may think of himself as a spiritual wrestler and man of prayer, whereas he who has excised his self-will and put himself under obedience in all things [to his confessor and spiritual director]...is serene in mind.

"The soul's war with the enemy lasts until death. And, whereas in ordinary warfare only the body suffers, in our war, which is harder and more dangerous, the soul may perish....

"By the grace of God I have come to know that the Lord mercifully watches over us, and not one prayer nor a single good thought is lost with God. The Lord often seems not to hear us; but that is only because we are proud, and what we ask would not be for our good. Pride is difficult to detect in oneself, but the Lord leaves the proud to be tormented by their impotence until they humble themselves. But when the soul humbles herself, the enemy in vanquished, and teh soul finds deep rest in God.

"Who is there who can realize what paradise is? He who bears within him the Holy spirit can realize it in part, since paradise is the Kingdom of the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spriit both in heaven and on earth is one and the same.

"To overcome self-love we need to be for ever humbling ourselves. This is a mighty science not quickly to be mastered. One must reckon oneself the worst of men, and condemn onself to hell. In this way i sth esoul humbled, and the tears of repentance are made to flow which give birth to joy. It is well to school the soul to think, 'I am going to burn in the fires of hell.' But, alas, few understand this. Many there are who despair and fall by the wayside. Their souls sink into a wild state, and then they have no desire to pray or to read or even to think on God.

"Man must condemn himself in his soul but not despair fo the compassiona dn love of God. He must acquire a lowly and contrite spirit, and then all intrusive thoughts will depart, and his mind will be purified. But at the same time he must know his own capacity, so as not to overburden his soul. Learn to know yourself, and see to it that your soul's endeavor is within her strength....Not all souls are equally strong.

"...He who lives according the the commandments is aware every hour and minute of grace in his soul. Yet there are people who do not discern the coming of grace....

"Train yourself to cut off an intrusive thought immediately. And if you are forgetful and fail to chase them away at once, bring God your repentance. Be at pains over this, so that you acquire the habit. the soul is a creature of habit: according t othe habit you have acquired, so will you act all the rest of your life.

"The love of God has various forms. The man who wrestles with wrong thoughts loves God in his way. He who struggles against sin and asks God to give him the strength not to sin, but yet falls into sin again because of his infirmity, and sorrows and repents has grace in the depths of his soul and mind, but his passions are not yet overcome. But the man who has conquered his passions now knows no conflict: all his concern is to watch himself in all things lest he fall into sin. Grace, great and perceptible, is his.

"Thus the soul spend her whole life waging war. But do you not lose heart over the struggle, for the Lord loves a brave fighter."

This is the conclusion of thoughts of St. Silouan to be shared from the book compiled by Sofrony the Archmandrite, the startetz's student and friend. Much to ponder and pray, particularly to obey the commandments, humble oneself, forgive others, and love all peoples--and very much love those who do not love in return.

Pray to the Holy Spirit, and the help and training will come. Pray for each: obedience, humility, forgiveness, love. These graces will be given, sometimes quickly, sometimes over a long period of time. Another spiritual writer explained that the spiritual climb is not like the earthly journey. There can be no stopping to rest in the spiritual climb! One falls and loses grace if one stops for a moment!

St. Silouan Suffered Terrible Headaches

2008-02-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

St. Silouan shares about the will of God and freedom. We are free when we are fully in the will of God. He said when he was more in the world he relied on his own understanding, and when by the Holy Spirit he came to know the Lord Jesus Christ and the Lord's love for all of us, his soul submitted to God. Then he accepted every affliction that came to him and would say:

The Lord looks down on me. What is there to fear?

"Life is much easier for the man who is given over to the will of God, since in illness, in poverty, in persecution, he reflects thus: Such is God's pleasure, and I must endure on account of my sins.'"

"Thus for many years have I suffered violent headaches, which are hard to bear but salutary because the soul is humbled through sickness. My soul longs to pray nd keep vigil, but sickness hinders me because of my body's demand for rest and quiet; and I besought the Lord to heal me, and the Lord hearkeneed not unto me. So, therefore, it would not have been salutary for me to have been cured."

Yet in another example, St. Silouan shares how one time a fishbone was caught in his throat. No one could dislodge it, not even the doctor. But then God told him interiorly what to do to dislodge the fishbone, step by step. St. Silouan did exactly as God told him, and the fishbone came out. He then said, "...I understood that if the Lord does not cure me of my headaches it is because they are good for my soul."

"The most precious thing in the world is to know God and understand His will, even if only in part. The soul that has come to know God should in all things submit to His will, and live before Him in awe and love: in love, because the Lord is love; in awe, because we must go in fear of grieving God by some evil thought."

O Lord, by the power of the grace of the Holy Spirit, vouchsafe that we may live according to Thy holy will.

"How are you to know ifyou are living according to the will of God?

"Here is a sign: if you are distressed over anything it means that you have not fully surrendered to God's will, although it may seem to you that you live according to his will. He who lives according to God's will has no cares. If he has need of something, he offers himself and the thing he wants to God; and if he does not receive it, he remains as tranquil as if he had got what he wanted."

"The soul that is given over to the will of God fears nothing: neither thunder nor thieves nor any other thing. Whatever may come, 'Such is God's pleasure,' she says. If she falls sick, she thinks, "'this means that I need sickness, or God would not have sent it.' And in this wise is peace preserved in soul and body."

In surrendering to God's will, the Staretz alludes to Scripture: Jesus says we will not be given more than we can bear and that the Lord loves us very much and watches over our souls. We must also, pray always for peace of soul and that we may better and more easily live the Lord's commandments. "...for the Lord loves those who strive to do His will, and thus they attain profound peace in God."

"He who does the Lord's will is content with all things, though he be poor or sick and suffering, because the grace of God gladdens his heart. But the man who is discontented with his lot and murmurs against his fate, or against those who cause him offence, should realize that his spirit is in a state of pride, which has taken from him his sense of gratitude towards God.

"But if it be so with you, do not lose heart, but try to trust firmly in the Lord and ask Him for a humble spirit; and when the lowly spirit of God comes to you, you will then love Him and be at rest in spite of all tribulations."

"No one on this earth can avoid affliction; and although the afflictions which the Lord sends are not great, men imagine them beyond their strength and are crushed by them. This is because they will not humble their souls and commit themselves to the will of God. But the Lord himself guides with HIs grace those who are given over to God's will, and they bear all things with fortitude for the sake of God, Whom they have so loved and with Whom they are glorified for ever."

The Staretz then shares of the Blessed Mother's being in the will of God and of suffering well the greatest of sorrows. Later, she had strength to give comfort to all God's distressed people.

So it is that we, too, can suffer in this state of love and trust in God, in faithful surrender to His will, knowing that "all things are then dear to the soul, for all things are of God. We will develop into useful victims of His love. If it is God's will and to the degree of whatever sufferings, we can make our submission and offer our oblation in union with Christ who willed to suffer and die out of unfathomable love for us.

One time a priest had come to visit when I was having a tremendous suffering. He asked me, "Why suffering?" I was not up to many words, but what came to me as the answer blurted out:
Because it works! I suppose that's what is called "the bottom line."

I have considered, now, that the Lord sent me this sinus infection because He knows it is salutory for my soul. Some may find this ridiculous, given the fact that we know so much about germs and medications. St. Silouan was not out of touch with the growing wealth of medical knowledge in the early 1900's, either. Yet, he knew much about God and the spiritual realm, and in that he sets out Christ's teachings and the truth of being in the will of God. I do not doubt.

Yes, I can see much good in this sinus problem. I have had to humbly reach out to some people for advice, go to the doctor (which I rarely do given no health insurance--which also is the will of God and has had innumerable blessings over the past 21 years), patiently endure the daily home remedies, blow my nose interminably, and have this heighten the other pain problems. Also, I have gained an empathy for people with sinus problems and allergies, from infants to the elderly. I have accepted that there may be some allergy--perhaps to the old Catholic books I've gratefully and lovingly collected and slowly read and share, perhaps to the orchids' potting medium. Already wheat, milk products and sugars have been mostly eliminated from the diet. Maybe it is a well-entrenched virus that may not completely leave.

Regardless, this is an offering to be made in gratitude and thanks to God, for it is an affliction (minor though it may be, but yucky!) to be suffered lovingly as from the loving hand of God. In other words, God has a good reason for this fall-winter-long sinus problem--that hinders my functioning and is teaching me many goods--not the least of which is to learn to say with genuine truth: Such is God's pleasure.

I will strive as a Victim Soul of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, to appreciate more the gifts from God that come daily in small inconveniences, aches and pains, emotional pangs, and tiny slights and mundane duties. When I realize that God brings them to me for my soul's good, the whole perspective alters to an excitement in the discovery: What gift has God wrapped in this package?

O Good Cross

2008-02-21T06:08:00.000-08:00

A friend e-mailed another short excerpt from St. Francis de Sales' Letters to Persons in the World. It makes me consider my sinus problems of late, and the little daily issues we have with others, with offering opinions when it would be better not, and then of fussing about having done so. I had demonic dreams early morning, and even those could be aggravations; but St. Francis de Sales gives the following holy advice.

"O good Cross, so loved by my
Savior!"

"...we shall know that we are wrong when we call our little
mishaps by the names of afflictions,  pains, and
contradictions; and we shall see that we are wrong in
desiring patience for such trifles, since a single little
drop of modesty is enough for bearing these things well..."

I looked up the word "modesty," for it seems quite a powerful
aquisition if one drop is enough to bear the aggravations we
encounter daily.  Mishaps?  Yes, they seem to be plentiful
except when we offer them to God after having placed a drop
of modesty on them.

Modest means "keeping due measure."  In usage, we find it
expressing moderation in dress, attempting to not stand out or
draw attention to ourselves; it expresses not displaying beyond
a limited degree, our talents and gifts.  Modesty is quite akin
to humility.  The word originated in the mid-1500's, so it was
fresh and popular in St. Francis de Sale's life time.  It derives
from French and Latin.

To remain humble, then, in our on-going irritations and
challenges, and humble in a measured degree, is the drop of
powerful antidote. 

The title of the letter intrigues me: O good Cross, so loved by
my Savior.  Our Bishop was preaching similar yesterday at noon
Mass.  He reminds us to offer our small and daily sufferings in
union with Jesus, on His Cross.  He spoke of the great love of
Jesus--and of the humility of suffering; for the Gospel reading
shared Jesus' explanation to His disciples (disgruntled that
James and John's mom had asked for her sons to have prefer-
ential place in Jesus' Kingdom) that only the Father determines
who will be at the right and left, but that they consider yet from
the view of the world.  Are they ready to drink the Cup that He
will drink?

Jesus drinks the Cup of Suffering with perfect love.

That is yet another consideration: to pray for perfect love.
A drop of modesty allows us to bear our mishaps in life; perfect
love allows us to die to self and unite in God's will, to love in
union with His love, and to go beyond accepting the Cross--but
to love the good Cross, to consider it a good.

The Red Rose of Suffering

2008-02-13T15:14:00.000-08:00

In a package of a book ordered (hardbound of Scupoli's The Spiritual Combat), was tucked a small surprise gift from Owen Kubik, proprietor of Kubik's Fine Books. How did he remember that I am interested in victim souls? The kindness radiates blessings! Two small booklets revealed these titles: Why Do I Have to Suffer? and The Red Rose of Suffering.

A few days ago, I'd prayed for what victim soul might be read next. With the other books lined up, the prayer was for a something not too long and involved. The Red Rose of Suffering seemed perfect! What a gift!

The pamphlet revealed the story of a victim soul, unknown to many these days, but known in the Catholic world of 1949 through means of the Co-Missionary Apostolate. This was an idea developed sparked from the earlier fire of the Victim Souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Also, the example of St. Therese of Liseiux lent credibility to this apostolate started just ten years after her canonization.

A young woman, recently sent back to a sanitarium for tuberculosis treatment, was sent a magazine. In it, she read about how to become a co-missionary, to offer all of her thoughts, prayers, acts and sufferings one day a week, for a missionary priest to whom she'd be assigned. As it turned out, the young woman offered her very life, day and night.

The booklet includes her diary while in the sanitarium. It shows the progression of a frightened, angry, upset girl of 20 or 21, up to the last day she could write in her journal at nearly age 24.

Her missionary priest ended up being one who worked at the mission congregation's foundation in Illinois, but the woman referred to as "Gertrude" did not mind. In fact, her missionary priest was able to visit her two or three times, and encouraged her valiant efforts in prayer and suffering: as she was a true victim soul--a victim of love.

I was drawn into this young woman's humble suffering and plight. And when she transformed into a virtual saint, and her sufferings were faced with tremendous courage and love of God, with faith that Jesus was utilizing her very immolation of body as a means to strengthen the missionary priest--the effect was soul-binding! I have thought of this young woman since yesterday afternoon, and included asking her to bless me with her prayers this morning, at Mass.

It is strange how these acquaintances and then friendships come along and develop. The young woman's actual name is Margaret. She was one of a large family and had lived on a farm, was born in 1915 and died at age 24 and nearly four months, on Jan. 4, 1940. What she endured is written simply, and not at length, in the booklet. Not sure what has happened with the Co-Missionary Apostolate, but a little research will answer the question. Not all co-missionaries, of course, had tremendous sufferings to offer, but it is a beautiful reality that one can be spiritually linked and offer even a minute of our lives, to God, for the strengthening of another. The Co-Missionaries signed up to offer a day of the week. Margaret offered her life.

This morning, in confession while mentioning pride, at the conclusion the confessor was told of two experiences this past week. One included the deep sense of offering again to suffer and die for the Catholic Church: to be an immolation. This occurred on Sunday, and was part of something written and offered, said was a desire of the soul. The motive and intent of the desire and offering were scrutinized for a day, and then sent off. That noon, it was expressed to the person who would receive the writing, that it had come from the soul, and was meant sincerely. Yet, it seems odd in a way, to have the desire well up from time to time, and then the offering made, and then later to wonder why one would have such a desire, knowing that it would be the most difficult to endure--more and more suffering. Yet, it was out there, and offered, again. And reading unexpected gift, The Red Rose of Suffering, the day after, seemed odd, as well. Yet it wasn't too surprising. God does give us many signal graces.

So the soul expressed this renewed, fearsome desire--to suffer and die for the Catholic Church--to the confessor and asked, "Is it pride to have such feelings and make such offerings?"

He looked up and said with immediacy: "No. It is vocation."

Leaving the confessional to pray the penance before the Tabernacle, the soul had another little shiver of the strangeness of this vocation, and how it is not being refuted. And yet time extends like a rosary, with nights linking the days, and there is suffering on-going, but what will God do with these renewed offerings, if anything? There is no need to ask or be curious; just keep learning to love and wait in love.

It is lovely to have Margaret as yet another friend in Heaven.

Another Cold

2008-02-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

Even being on antibiotics and taking cold medications, another cold or sinus infection either started or just got worse. Since shortly after The Great Peace in October, it has seemed more sinus and cold problems with only a short break between.

So it helps one to consider people suffering from asthma, allergies (which may be some of the problem here), various forms of arthritis, and other long-term or permanent afflictions, even cancer. Just because a person is used to one form of suffering, it is good to experience a variety so that compassion and understanding remain vibrant!

St. Francis de Sales and all of the saints advise to embrace all for the love of Christ. This means sinus infections and common colds. Probably Jesus' nose was broken from all the beating he underwent. Hard to imagine the pain upon pain that he endured--probably every pain that any human could possible suffer. One can unite the stuffy head and aching teeth, the burning upper respiratory tract--unite these minor areas of discomfort with Jesus' massive sufferings.

And, as the victim souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus teach us from their experiences and private revelations, Jesus suffers yet in the timelessness of God, in the spiritual love and union with beloved souls; and He accepts our small offerings with our loving motives, our trust that He can use these aches and discomforts for the reparation of the sins of the world!

Now, that is truly amazing! Think how something ordinary like a sinus infection or cold can be used by the Lord to help ameliorate the spiritual consequences of some soul who perhaps has murdered or cheated some consumer or dabbled with the occult.

While in a short while I'll call the doctor's office and ask for a different antibiotic, and this morning tossed out the mug of coffee and decided to switch to tea (after some research that the coffee just might be inhibiting iron and zinc absorption), if the sinus problems linger, and as other bodily sufferings come along (like headaches from detoxing from coffee!), these ordinary pains of an ordinary life can be transformed by Jesus into extraordinary love for souls He knows are in need.

Then, He will also use the intentions and motives of love of Him and gratitude for a small share in His Holy Work, to purify this soul in need. This soul needs perpeatual humility and great love for all souls no matter who. Is it possible that this on-going cold and the weariness with it, are a type of enemy to be loved?

Well, some may think that is a ridiculous stretch. But in the discussion by the Carthusian as to why our souls are created (to glorify God), he points out that all experiences--good and not good--are means for us to glorify God. If one loves all experiences and discovers the benefits to all aspects of creation, then we learn to love our enemies, which glorifies God for it is his commandment.

Yes, we are to love our neighbors as ourselves. Often, our neighbors have chosen us as their enemies. Or, there are people in our families or circles of friends who irritate or annoy, and we are tempted to react, as in creating a kind of enmity. We think of attacking an illness, but perhaps if we find the good in it, the good in the spiritual aspects and lessons and also perhaps changes in our diet, for the better, then we gently bring the illness into a loving conformity.

At some point, our bodies will have illnesses or injuries that become the loving vehicle to help our souls depart the body and enter the other world.

So today I will not fuss against this sinus infection but will simply seek help in gentle means, and to be patient in hosting it for awhile more, as one would a guest who is somewhat wearing and annoying. With each cough or blowing of the nose, with whatever money spent on more antibiotics, and in the small change in diet, I offer all to Jesus for souls. I thank Him for the added joy of realizing my body is vulnerable to all that is human, and to ponder the creation of germs, and to consider the many who died from colds (like St. Francis de Sales' 14-year-old little sister, Jeanne), and those in the world today who do not have a doctor or money for antibiotics. And, of course, there are many who cannot afford the luxury of coffee to give up or tea to take on, or vitamins and over-the-counter helps.

A Carthusian: Why We Must Suffer

2008-02-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it seems boring to any one soul or other out there who might stumble across this blog and read it--boring that I quote some of the deceased-but-spiritually-eternal souls that I come across in reading.

Have I shared my little rule within the Nine S' of my Rule of Life? It is that I do not read living authors (other than the Pope!), for all of us alive are in formation, and there have been too many instances of souls led astray. This may seem rude or mistrusting, but let the living authors die, their writings settle for a few decades, and be good for later generations. For me, I read the ones already proven by God, by the Church, by time and treasure. This proves efficient to me, for I can benefit from the souls who have succeeded in reaching the summit of the holy mountain.

It isn't that some of our contemporary writers won't become the spiritual classic authors of the next centuries. It is just that we do not know yet, for sure. Some may be solid today, but slip-slidy tomorrow. Those brilliant scholars who do know for sure, are not me. I have been misled by one such author, as I was reading along, trusting the writer's vein of thought, only to find myself up-ended in the worst sin of my pathetic life. So, it seemed best to not risk that again. Yes, I may be passing up some excellent living saints; but there are plenty who are already canonized who have written tomes for my study and edification.

People like me would have been saved the tricks of the devil, at least in some instances, had the Church retained what I have since learned was a list of condemned books. The current imprimateur helps, but it is not a surety in this contemporary Catholic field studded with literary landmines.

In fact, yesterday mention was made of a current living person or two, who two persons in my recent experience have mentioned in specific writings, and of which they are being influenced by either in Lent or in one case, using the ideas in homilies. My Bishop cringed. I would hope so, for one who is being espoused elsewhere is a known dissenter in the Church; the other has written much, is deceased, and yet the writings need filtering for they waft off into the hinterlands of questionable theology. Nothing to be preaching about quite yet, for already there has been a misleading of souls.

Now, some may find this approach to be narrow; but I make no apologies for desiring to be safe rather than sorry (again). I do not have the luxury of time, and I trust Jesus when He says the path is narrow and few are they who are on it. I want to be on that path, and I have spent far too much time in the past, exploring the brush to right and left. Give me the bedside book of St. Teresa of Avila, the book St. Francis de Sales kept with him for 18 years, the guides of any of the saints--and the Guide of all: Scripture. That ought to be good enough for the likes of me. Yes, add some poetry, lives of saints, writings of the best of (dead) spiritual directors (like A. Tanquerey and his outstanding bibliography): holy, holy, holy.

This Carthusian quoted, in the following, is already weighed in Mother Church's scale of time and thought, and assured a berth in orthodoxy. He writes yet more on suffering, and in this reflection: the why of suffering. Other holy souls have written about suffering, and to read the various thoughts creates a panorama.

In the Divine Plan, there is but one Man--'Ecce Homo'; but one truth, one way, one life. 'Ego sum via, veritas et viat...I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.' Everyman, loved by God, must become one with that Man, know that Truth, follow that Way, and enter into that Life.

To give that supreme grace to each one of us, God stops at nothing. There are times when He will turn the whole world upside-down if thereby one single soul may come to resemble His divine Son more. That is all He wants, that is all He can want: the whole plan of divine Providence is directed to that end. All that happens to us must be regarded in the great light of this final end. That is why we all suffer--to become 'other Christs'; to be Jesus over again, and, like Him, misunderstood, persecuted, and made to bear our cross. Looked at from any other point of view, suffering would be incomprehensible and intolerable. On the other hand, when we contemplate our divine Example--He, the Truth and the Life--suffering assumes a beauty which is the loveliest thing God has permitted here below, just as death is the most living of the realities of this life.

To find joy in sorrow, life in death--that is the great secret by which our wounds are healed...but you won't find it in any of your text-books!

A Carthusian's Look at Suffering: Again

2008-02-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

There is a suffering in the yearning for God. What this Carthusian wrote regarding suffering is a different "take". It vibrates with the faith deep inside on this evening prior to be shriven for Lent, for the rest of life, as lent to us by God.

Our suffering ought not really to upset us. It is a state almost necessary for those souls for whom this world is too small. they need breathing space, and this world stifles them. Suffering betrays that longing for God in every part of us that remains unsatisfied with itself. So don't mind suffering greatly from this very suffering: God will never lay it to our charge. Try to remain calm, and very still. For this God for Whom we are longing in our hearts has loved us from the beginning, and will love us to the end. There is nothing He wants more than to give Himself to us, and the greatest joy we can give Him is to believe this.

Deep in our hearts we believe this, but we are too anxious to feel and enjoy this faith. There is the danger; nay, indeed, it is the mistake we make. To believe in God is one thing; to 'taste and see how sweet' He is, is quite another. God never refuses the former to us if our will is good, but the latter depends entirely upon His good will and pelasure. The one is the gift we make to Him of our mind, the other is a communication of His own joy which He makes to us.

Now we should--and can--make this gift of our mind to His Mind; but to share in His joy in this life as we would like to, is not within our power. The most we can do is to be thankful for the temporary first-fruits and foretastes that He is pleased to give us from time to time, as and when He wills. We must accept this divine plan, which reserves for another world the final and full possession of the object of our love. This world, is, and always will be, a place of exile and pilgrimage; a desert to be crossed, where for a moment we pitch our tent, soon to strike it again and continue our journey. We so quickly forget this, and as we make our way we do not keep our eyes fixed sufficiently on that Promised Land, where our true happiness lies.

Today I ran an errand. It went on for some time, and I purchased something I didn't need. I don't need anything, truly. One Lent I simply used up all the food in the cupboards as a form of giving up: giving up going to the store. It seems a good thing to do always.

As for being still when one suffers, this is good advice. Suffering is truly rooted in the longing for God, and it is best to long for God without struggling. Perhaps it is the longing for God that makes one purchase an item or two, or more. One thinks it can fill oneself and be satiated.

The spiritual da wrote that he promises to waste less time during Lent. I considered the time wasted today on the errand. Yes, there were some human contacts that may have been good; but there was a lack of discipline in dallying in the store. It is not easy to give one's mind to God's Mind, in a store.

It is easier to give one's mind to God in the dark, in silence, at Mass or in the middle of the night when the suffering keeps one still, in bed. A bed makes a good tent--whether or not it is a bed of straw or the floor, or a mattress on a frame. Mass makes even a better tent, probably the best we'll have in this world, for it opens up this world into the other world where God will grant us the fulfillment of His love, for which we yearn and suffer, now, in this world.

The Great Ebb

2008-02-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

The body and soul ebb. It is the Great Ebb, and one wonders how quiet the ebbing.

The da has been ebbing 88 years. St. Francis de Sales ebbed 55. The last month of his life flowed out to sea in detailed sacrifices, such as not asking for anything yet not refusing. He did not ask for more comfortable accommodations; he did not refuse requests on his time and energy. The last three days of his life ebbed in crucifixion-style, inhumanely with the treatment of those times: blister beetle plasters on his bald head, then removed and fire-hot iron welded down into the bloody, raw flesh of his scalp. Nothing brought him out of the stroke God wiilled for the final ebb.
Even the burial was a slow ebbing, for the ground froze to shovel blades; a month later his body entered the Visitation convent at Annecy, to be entombed.

Lent begins in less than 14 hours. Lent is the Great Ebbing of our souls, in focused ebb of 40 days and nights. The waves of Lent remain a mystery to unfold.

Has this been shared from a Carthusian? More thoughts on suffering? Very well.

It is not a question of loving what is evil or painful, but of suffering it in order either to set it right or bring it to an end. That is God's way. He doesn't love evil, but He permits it for the sake of the good He draws out of it. Evil, like all reality, is a marvellous instrument in the hands of divine Providence. We shall be amazed one day--in the next world--to see what suffering will have accomplished in courageous souls, who know how to accept it and bear it out of love. It is the deepest source of true peace.

No one wants us to suffer, but we should love suffering as God loves it--that is, as something uplifting and a harbinger of peace. The world is made according to a plan which we cannot alter: it is the Master's plan. We are only servants, and we must take life as He has planned it, and bring our wills and efforts into conformity with His designs.

Now suffering falls within this plan. It is the way to joy, just as death--or mortification, which is death to self--is the way to life. 'He that shall lose his life...shall find it.' We are tiny seeds cast into the ground, and we must die if we would live anew in God. There are some verses in the 125th* Psalm which give a wonderful picture of this divine plan; but it is not enough merely to submit to it as to something inevitable; we must love it as an expression of divine love.

For that we must be strong. But being strong does not mean resisting what is wounding us to rid ourselves of it. There is another, and much higher, kind of strength. It is that strength which accepts what it cannot get rid of, remaining all the while smiling under the cross. It is not to the cross we smile, but to Him Who carried it before us and for us, and Who carries it with us still.

*Psalm 126

"When the Lord brought back the captivity of Sion, we became like men comforted.
Then was our mouth filled with gladness; and our tongue with joy.
Then shall they say among the Gentiles: the Lord hath done great things for them.
The Lord hath done great things for us: we are become joyful.
Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as a stream in the south.
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
Going they went and wept, casting their seeds.
But coming they sahll come with joyfulness, carrying their sheaves."

Yesterday, the soul found itself offering once more to suffer anything for the reparation of the sorrows of this world. It seemed as if there was nothing in this life that mattered so much as to have even one aspect of the world uplifted to the Lord, and in love a suffering would make one goodness.

Today, the body shivers, returned to bed, then up to write, praying for a priest in Wien, Austria, busy with his priestly duties, preparing little children for their first Holy Communion, studying for a degree in Sociology, preparing his homilies, and all else. The soul ponders a time in the past when the admonition came from within: Be an immolation.

Now it seems truly the Great Ebb is that of immolation, of gradual and gentle suffering as a stream in the south. Going out and weeping, casting the seeds of small prayers; yet some time after the ebbing, of coming with joyfulness, carrying the fruit of the work of suffering.

Lent: going they went and wept, casting their seeds.
Easter: coming they shall come with joyfulness, carrying their sheaves.
Death to Life: going and coming, going and coming, going and coming.

Little Girl at Store

2008-02-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

When shopping at a small discount grocery, the berating voice of a heavy mother could be heard from one side to the other. She shouted and shouted and shouted, repeated what would be taken away from the child when they got home. The list was long. One wondered what the child would have left, except to sit in a house of angry tension, breathing in second-hand cigarette smoke.

It was the child's attitude that the mother did not like. Where do children get attitudes?

Later, the cousin related a similar situation of a mother berating her children in that same store, and then following over into the other store, repeating the same, abusive treatment.

These are mothers who are poor, by their appearance, manner, and vocalizations used.

There was the man in twenties, walking across the street, on the sidewalk across the street from the Cathedral. He was shouting loudly into his cell phone, yelling, "Stop yelling at me! Stop yelling, [expletive, Lord's name in vain, expletive]!" Then with full force of a bulky body, he motioned as if slamming down the cell phone: snapped shut. One could hear him 100 yards away, through closed car windows. He stomped a few feet, then pulled himself up and stalked on, still angry. Such hate and vehemence came from his lungs, and words from his mind, emotion from his heart. Had he spoken like that to his wife? Girlfriend? Co-worker? What kind of day would the other person have, after that outburst? What kind of day would the man have? It took several miles of driving for the effects to wear off, just from witnessing the hate.

The little girl at the grocery remain yet this morning. And the thoughts filtered in of a cousin, now adult, who as a boy and then a teen, was too roughly punished by his father, who had been too roughly punished by his father, before.

The sinus infection is offered for good use. The back pain is offered for good use. Please, Lord, take the weepiness of these physical sufferings for the good use You can make of them, for the horrors of the emotional sufferings of abused children, abused people, to assuage the angers roiling all about.

The doorbell rings at Agnus Dei. I am in my pajamas but dare to answer. A neatly dressed young man wants to talk about the state of the world. He has some Jehovah Witness tracts. As he asks if I take time to consider the world and all that is happening, I share that I am a Catholic hermit, and that I was just now praying and writing about children abused by angry adults, and angry adults abusing others in such hate--so yes, and would he please pray for the anger of the world to abate?

The man quickly recovers himself and returns to his mental script: Would I be willing to read the magazines he has? I explain that I have read the tracts and am familiar with the Jehovah Witness beliefs, and that as a Catholic, would he be willing to receive some materials about the Cathoic Church, and a Bible that I could give him? Would he read these?

Again, he recovers himself well, and returns to his mental script. He says if I would come to his door, he would take what I offer and talk with me, but he is the one who has come to my door--

And where does he live? I do not ask. I should have. It is cold. I am not dressed. I do not ask. May the Lord forgive me for not asking.

So I again suggest that we unite our prayers to God for the whole world, for peace and the love of Christ to be in people's hearts.

I return to writing. He walks on to the next house, the neighbors who perhaps are yet angry.

There is much to pray about, and one wonders about St. Francis de Sales, tromping into the Calvinist territory after the Protestant reformation, risking harm or even death. What do I do for the Catholic faith? How much more ought I beg to weep for the world, to be willing to suffer anything for souls? For God to use me in any small or large, joyful or sorrowing way to bring souls, in love, to love, to Christ and His Church?

A victim soul, existing in relative hiddenness, ought pray all the more, in faith. One must have great faith in prayer, for there is a Jehovah Witness walking the streets, knocking on doors, and there is a Catholic hermit victim soul remaining inside, suffering, praying, writing.

At noon Mass, I will present this young witness of Jehovah, to Jesus on the altar of His Sacrifice.

Advice from St. Francis de Sales, on Suffering

2008-02-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

My friend who is reading the letters of St. Francis de Sales, to persons in the world, sent this excerpt today. I thought of the victim souls of the Sacred Heart. There is one person who I wished was still reading these, as this might mean very much to the person who has suffered and yet seems unable to absorb the suffering in the meaningful aspects of victim soulhood. However, what SFDS writes is quite meaningful to me, and even in suffering a sinus infection and cold, it is worth heeding the saint's advice.

After all, Christianity is about suffering, and love, and love, and suffering. Christ lived this out for us to learn from Him.

To a woman suffering great physical pain
"You are being crowned with His crown of thorns."

"...To love God in sugar--little children would do as much.
But to love Him in wormwood, that is the test of our
amorous fidelity.  To say VIVE JESUS on the mountain of
Tabor, St. Peter, while still carnal, has courage enough;
but to say VIVE JESUS on Mount Calvary--this belongs only
to the Mother, and to the beloved disciple who was left to
her as her son.

So then, my daughter, behold I commend you to God, to
obtain for you that sacred patience...

...But you will say, you can hardly keep your thoughts on
the pains our Lord has suffered for you, while your own
pangs oppress you.  Well, my dearest child, you are not
obliged to do so, provided that you quite simply offer up
your heart as frequently as you are able to this Savior,
and make the following acts:

First, accept the pain from His hand, as if you see Him
Himself putting and pressing it on your head.

Second, offer yourself to suffer more.

Third, beg our Savior by the merit of His torments to
accept these little distresses in union with the pains He
suffered on the Cross.

Next, protest that you wish not only to suffer, but to love
and cherish these sufferings since they are sent from so
good and so sweet a hand. 

Lastly, invoke the martyrs and the many servants of God,
who enjoy Heaven as a result of their having been afflicted
in this world.

It is not dangerous to desire a cure.  Indeed you must
carefully seek one; for God, who has given you the evil, is
also author of its cure..."

I find the step-by-step recommendations to be very good. It is as well to simply try to do as St. Francis de Sales recommends, in that order. Why not? Suffering works. And the suffering can be as slight as a head cold or as slight as a personal "slight" from a friend, or even from one who has decided to make one into his or her enemy! It is of benefit to ponder just why God has sent certain sufferings, and to note when He sends them, and to detect even a kind of "theme" of the sufferings--for there always seems to be a theme of lessons He is teaching us in these sufferings (besides the on-going them of love!).

Sometimes He wants us to slow down so we have time to ponder. Sometimes He seems to want us to consider someone we need to forgive, or to forgive ourselves, or to understand a theological and Scriptural truth. Sometimes He wants us to rest in Him.

Yearning for God

2008-01-31T13:21:00.000-08:00

Somehow, the issue yesterday of not remaining, has now been written about in the other blog site. Regardless, the fault has been confessed, and the direction given that one is to remain and listen if one does know the content well enough to discern truth from errancy, and then later question what is said that may need clarification or fraternal correction.

Given this morning's Gospel, it was pointed out that Jesus remained as Light, and he influenced others to good, despite eating with tax collectors, visiting with Mary Magdalene, and allowing Judas to be one of the Twelve.

It is true that if one yearns after God, then one must follow Him wherever He goes and do whatever He does. One must learn to think like Jesus. St. Silouan says: "The Lord calls us thither, in spite of our sins."

To actually know God, though, is what souls really desire: to know Him is to experience His love. Even that does not describe knowing God! St. Silouan suggests, following what Jesus Himself said: Learn from me for I am meek and humble of heart.

When the soul sees the Lord, how meek and humble He is, then she herself is thoroughly humbled, and desires nothing so much as the humility of Christ. And however long the soul may live on earth, she will always desire and seek this humility which passes comprehension, which she cannot forget.

But in this yearning for God, which requires humility in order to come to know God, we are told by the Staretz that he who will not love his enemies cannot come to know the Lord and the sweetness of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit teaches us to love our enemies, so that the soul pities them as if they were her own children.

There are people who desire the destruction, the torment in hell-fire, of their enemies, or of the enemies of the Church. They think like that because they have not learned from the Holy Spirit the love of God, for he who has learned the love of God will shed tears for the whole world....

Paradise has need of humility and the love of Christ, which pities all men.

The grace of God is not in the man who does not love his enemies.

Now, that is much to ponder. But it is quite simple, and it is exactly what Jesus has said, and many of us have heard it over and over: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you. Learn from Me for I am meek and humble of heart.

And then we ponder Jesus suffering and dying on the Cross in reparation for our sins and begging the Father to forgive us, for we do not know what we are doing.

A victim soul who yearns for God must also follow along the way of the Cross. The victim soul must learn to love God, and that comes through learning humility--humility enough to remain where He remains. He was crucified between two sinners.

It is the humility that is learned by keeping our mind in hell but not despairing. But that is hopefully explained on a different blog, and humility will be written of again and again.

The Lord bids us love Him with all our hearts and all our souls--but how is it possible to love Him whom we have never seen, and how may we learn this love? The Lord is made known by His effect on the soul. When the Lord has visited her, the soul knows that a dear Guest has come and gone, and she yearns for Him and seeks Him with tears....

What joy is ours that the Lord not only forgives our sins but allows the soul to know Him, so soon as she humbles herself. The poorest wretch may humble himself and know God in the holy Spirit. There is no need of money or of possessions to know God, only of humility. The Lord freely gives Himself, for His mercy's sake alone....The Lord gives peace even in sleep, but without God there is no peace in the soul....

The Lord said: 'Where I am, there shall also my servant be, and he shall see my glory.'

The man who has come to know the love of God himself loves the whole world and never murmurs at his fate, for temporary affliction endured for God's sake is a means to eternal joy.

The soul that is not humble and has not surrendered herself to the will of God cannot come to know anything, but flits from one idea to another and never prays with an undistracted mind or glorifies the majesty of God....The soul lives in the love of God, in the humility and meekness of the Holy Spirit; but we must give the Holy Spirit the freedom of our souls, that He may dwell therein, that the soul may be sensible of His presence...love cannot melt away.

My cousin called, and we discussed enemies and that it seems that we create our own enemies by criticizing. But if we do not criticize others, there is love for others, even if others might criticize us or choose us to be their enemies. The creation of enemies can occur only in the mind; it doesn't have to happen in person. So, too, dissolving enmity can occur in the mind, and in the heart with love.

When the soul yearns for God, there is no capability to yearn if one yearns with enmity. The Holy Spirit can cleanse the mind and heart of any enmity toward anyone, in a flash. But this is an on-going flashing, for moment by moment our own sins and the sins of others attempt to disrupt the pure yearning. To know God means to know His love; God loves all souls. God's will is always to love.

To put this into everyday context takes some consideration. The vastness of God's love is in itself humbling. To realize that I have not loved others as God wills me to love others, is humbling. There is nothing of God that keeps me from loving others as God desires me to love. To love involves some suffering, for it is a cleaving from self, from sin.

More from St. Silouan on Love of Enemies

2008-01-30T11:33:00.000-08:00

I find these thoughts very helpful and worth practicing. I don't know why I didn't see it so clearly before. Love of enemies, forgiveness, prayer--all help one to suffer for the love of God.

Now for what St. Silouan says:

Christ prayed for those who were crucifying Him: 'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.' St. Stephen prayed for those who stoned him, tha tthe Lord 'lay not this sin to their charge.' And we, if we wish to preserve grace, must pray for our enemies. If you do not feel pity for the sinner destined to suffer the pains of fire, it means that the grace of the Holy Spirit is not in you, but an evil spirit lives in you. While you are still alive, strive by repentance to free yourself from this spirit.

The Lord taught me to love my enemies. Without the grace of God we cannot love our enemies, but the Holy Spirit teaches love, and then even devils rouse our pity because they have fallen from good, and lost humility and love of God.

I beseech you, put this to the test. When a man affronts you or brings dishonour on your head, or takes what is yours, or persecutes the Church, pray to the Lord, and say: 'O Lord, we are all Thy creatures. Have pity on Thy servants, and turn their hearts to repentance,' and you will be aware of grace in your soul. To begin with, constrain your heart to love her enemies, adn the Lord, seeing your good will, will help you in all things, and experience itself will show you the way. But the man who thinks with malice of his enemies has not God's love within him and does not know God.

If you pray for your enemies, peace will come to you; but when you come to love your enemies--know that a great measure of the grace of God dwells in you, though I do not say perfect grace as yet, but sufficient for salvation. Whereas if you revile your enemies it means there is an evil spirit living in you and bringing evil thoughts into your heart, for, in the words of the Lord, out of the heart proceed evil thoughts or good thoughts.

If you cannot love, then at least do not revile and curse your enemies, and things will already be better; but if a man curse and abuse his enemies it is plain that an evil spirit abides in him, and when he dies he will go to the abode of evil spirits. May the Lord preserve every soul from such adversity!

Understand me. It is so simple. People who do not know God, or who go against Him, are to be pitied: the heart sorrows for them and the eye weeps. Both paradise and torment are clearly visible to us: we know them through the Holy Spirit. And did not the Lord Himself say: 'The Kingdom of God is within you'? Thus eternal life has its beginnings here in this life; and here it is that we sow the seeds of eternal torment.

where there is pride there cannot be grace, and if we lose grace we also lose both love of God and assurance in prayer. The soul is then tormented by evil thoughts and does not understand that she must humble herself and love her enemies, for there is no other way to please God....

The Lord gave us the commandment 'Love your enemies.' But how are we to love them when they do us evil? Or how can we love those who persecute the Holy Church?

When the Lord was on His way to Jerusalem and the Samaritans did not receive Him, His disciples John and James were ready to call down fire from heaven to consume them; but the Lord in His mercy said: 'I am not come to destroy but to save'. Thus should we have but one thought: that all should be saved. The soul sorrows for her enemies and prays for them because they have strayed from the truth and their faces are set towards hell. That is love for our enemies. When Judas bethought him to betray the Lord, the Lord was stirred to pity and showed him what he was doing. Thus must we too be gentle with those who err and stray, and we shall be saved by God's mercy.

Now, these words are most helpful to victim souls of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. They are helpful to any soul! Just today I had a test that I failed, but the Lord in His mercy showed me how He wanted me to act, otherwise.

At early Mass I was surprised that a priest who has been away, was back. This one preaches in erratic words at times, and is known for some new age ideologies. His intentions are good, but others too have reported the errant thoughts in homilies and in confession. When I saw him, I decided it was best to leave and simply return for a later Mass. Why risk it? I also prayed about it during the morning, wondering if the Lord was showing me a kind of "enemy"--even though I felt peaceful toward this man.

At noon Mass, who should walk from the sacristy to celebrate the Mass? This very same priest! It is a rare instance that the same priest would celebrate two Masses in the same day. So I knew to remain, and to simply be recollected in prayer. The Lord had chosen what He desired, and then here are St. Silouan's words, as well. I am to sorrow if and when this one speaks ideas which are not thought out and prepared, when he talks in a manner of not realizing what he is saying, and veers into saying that which is not orthodox. I am to pray for him, and even though he is not an "enemy" per se, and he does not intend wrong, he at times has strayed from the truth. Rather than leave, I must remain and pray, and be stirred to pity and be gentle. If what is said is too far off, then I may gently question; if he cannot explain himself, then I may discuss it with his superior (as I and others have done in the past).

Yes, it is sorrowful when people veer from the narrow path, when off-kilter books or teachings have come into their minds--or passion takes over when speaking or thinking, causing slips and slides. It is a kind of suffering to bear with them during these times when what is said would be better not said, or said in a different way, or the ideologies abandoned altogether. Perhaps it is a sense of feeling one is inspired, when it is instead a matter of emotive repetition. Sometimes one lights upon truths and repeats those; othertimes a mistaken thought is struck and hammered out--without means of later correcting, for one often does not even know what is being said.

I ought to know how this is, for so have I have slipped and slid at times--perhaps more than I realize! I also recall times when I have been gently corrected and have had pity shown for my errors.

St. Silouan, on Suffering

2008-01-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

Some excerpts from the Staretz' writings on the "Knowledge of God" assist in courage and joy of suffering.

"...the Apostles, and after them the marytrs and holy men who wrestled against evil, went forward with joy to meet pain and suffering. For the Holy Spirit, sweet and gracious, draws the soul to love the Lord, and in the sweetness of the Holy Spirit, the soul loses her fear of suffering.

"The Lord is love; and He commanded us to love one another and to love our enemies; and the Holy Spirit teaches us this love.

"The soul that has not come to know the Holy Spirit does not understand how it is possible to love one's enemies, and will not receive this commandment; but in the Lord is pity for all men, and he who would be with the Lord must love his enemies....

"Many numbers of people, you say, are suffering every kind of adversity and from evil men. But I entreat you: humble yourself beneath the strong hand of God, and grace will be your teacher and you yourself will long to suffer for the sake of the love of the Lord. That is what the Holy Spiirt Whom we have come to know in the Church, will teach you.

"But the man who cries out against evil men, who does not pray for them, will never know the grace of God.

"If you would know the Lord's love for us, hate sin and wrong thoughts, and day and night pray fervently. the Lord will then give you His grace, and you will know Him through the Holy Spirit, and after death, when you enter into paradise, there too you will know the Lord through the Holy Spirit, as you knew Him on earth.

"We do not need riches or learning in order to know the Lord: we must simply be obedient and sober, have a humble spirit and love our fellow-men. The Lord will love a soul that does this, and of His own accord make Himself manifest to her and instruct her in love and humility, and give her all things necessary for her to find rest in God....

"To believe in God is one thing, to know God another....

"Some there are who spend their whole lives in trying to find out about the sun, or the moon, or in seeking like knowledge; yet this is of no profit to the soul. But if we take pains to explore the human heart this is what we shall see: the kingdom of heaven in the soul of the saint, but in the soul of the sinner are darkness and torment. And it is good to know this because we shall dwell eternally either in the kingdom or in torment.

"Just as the love of Jesus Christ is beyond our understanding, so we cannot conceive of the depth of His suffering, because our own love for the Lord is so infinitely small. But with greater love comes more understanding, even of the Lord's sufferings. There is love in small degree, medium love and perfect love; and the more perfect our love the more perfect our knowledge."

I admit that I am trying to practice greater love of all peoples, especially of enemies. To do this, I try to be aware more of who are my enemies. Since I rarely go places except Mass, it is easy enough to see my enemies at Mass. I have people who dislike me or at minimum are wary. There aren't many--perhaps two women who have shown dislike. But when I see them, I think of love, of how I love them. I try to inwardly smile. If I am mistreated by these or anyone, I try to inwardly smile and think: I love you.

At night, I lie in bed usually for some time, as it takes awhile to fall asleep with the chronic pain. I try to think of enemies of the past, present and future. There are those who have hurt me very much. I tell them in my mind that I forgive them and love them. They do not have to forgive or love me [for ways I may have hurt them, or not]; I keep this a one-sided exercise.

Then, I think of other people's enemies--people who I know have been hurt by others, and the others who have done the hurting. This could be a friend's spouse who is hurting the friend, or a parent I saw at a store hurting his or her child, or a young woman who has had an abortion or might be thinking of having an abortion [for this I must consider the person in general, since I do not know anyone personally in this state]. I think of people who have been abused by adults sexually and emotionally, and I think of the perpetrators. I think of any ways in which I have lacked kindness or attentiveness to others.

I pray for all these people and ask Jesus to let me accept responsibility for the ones who have hurt others, for the "enemies" of people hurt to the point of anger and not being able to live their lives in love and freedom of God. And since it is said we often are our own worst enemies, I pray to be forgiven by God, and for the Holy Spirit to heal my wounds and the wounds of others who are ensnared by not being able to pray for their enemies.

Since I have recently begun these exercises, I have no results other than a long-term result of someone I prayed for often. He had not told the truth and had prevented something that would have been very good for another. He also said hurtful things to this other person. I prayed for several years, as this person had become a sticking point, and the prayers changed my mind and my heart. I found that love for this person had entered into my mind and heart without my realizing. Has the person changed? I don't know. But there is love now, and no enemy, at least from my stance.

I do not know how it will be to ask the Lord to let me take responsibility for the hurts the "enemies" have done to others. This has been prayed; and God answers our prayers. As in most of these situations, the change will probably occur gradually, even imperceptibly, but where there is love and prayer, the Holy Spirit enacts; conversion commences. I do not want to exist in torment. No, the peace is too cherished!

If Jesus commands us to love one another and to love our enemies, to pray for them, then we must do this. It begins by simply doing it, and trying to do it with as much love as possible, even if that is but a small amount of love. The Holy Spirit has the power to cause love to grow; God is love. The small seed of love is of God, and it will grow in prayer and in the desire for more love--perfect love. The saints found the commandments of Jesus to be true. They "work". Suffering is so akin to love,: it "works".

St. Silouan's Suffering and Death

2008-01-28T06:28:00.000-08:00

St. Silouan's life of prayer converged into two themes. I go unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God. And, Pray for people...pity the people of God.

The Staretz commented, regarding how difficult it is to pray for people: "Of course it is hard....To pray for people is to shed blood. But we must pray none the less. Everything that grace has ever taught must be performed to the end of one's life....The Lord at times forsakes the soul in order to prove her, that she may testify her understanding and free will; but if a man does not contrain himself to pray he will lose grace, whereas if he evinces good will, grace will love him and abandon him no more."

"In the spiritual world we see a practice contrary...to the normal order of things: there, those who are above wait upon those below, sacrificing themselves for their sakes, to bring them to the same degree of wealth, to the same fullness of which they themselves are possessed. The motive power is love, which cannot bear to see the loved one suffeirng privation. Thus the incontestable and eternal Master and Lord said that He 'came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many'. The accepted doctrine concerning angels is that they are a higher form of being than we are, yet St. Paul says they are 'ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation.' The Lord enjoins His disciples to do as He did when He washed their feet...."

In early September, 1938, the Staretz suddenly became ill. When asked if he was going to die, he answered, "I have not yet learned humility."

He remained silent in the last days of his life. When asked late one night if he needed anything, he said, "No, thank you, nothing." In less than a half hour, when checked again, he had died.

It is not easy to minister to others when one is not feeling well. In those times, prayer is important, or remaining silent in contemplation of God, of others, of others in God's love. Sometimes the suffering is the very fact of having little energy, or no motivation or desire to actively serve. This is service itself: to suffer inability. But love must be the motive in all prayer.

Application, Synthesis

2008-01-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

Just trying to put into practice some of the concepts of St. Siliouan, St. Francis de Sales, Canon Beuadenon (on humility), the Virgin Mary, and Jesus! It is not so easy until one begins to see all the details--everything that is happening in one's daily life--as practice lessons.

The thought that "I deserve" this (when there is a difficult challenge) has now come to mean something far more rich. A simple look-up of the word [deserve] brought light in a different way: to serve well or zealously.

This is what all the above writers, what Mary, and what Jesus try to explain, over and over.

Today at noon Mass, the priest explained the translation of a familiar verse in which it is said that (to encapsulate) people thought Jesus to be out of His mind or crazy. Well, this priest said the word actually translates better to mean that Jesus was full of passion and zeal, so full of love for the people that his zeal was overwhelming.

It seems that to serve well or zealously, one must be able to "turn on a dime." Thus we get into what Fr. de Chautard penned: the sacrament of the present moment.

A friend met in Avila, Spain, e-mailed that during a winter stay in a warm climate, various relatives had come to visit and being elderly, they so enjoyed the socializing aspects of gathering with this person. The person, however, wants quiet to pray and says the two cannot seem to happen at the same time. The person wants simple peace.

This is a form of suffering: to have in mind and desire one thing, and the opposite at our doorstep. Self-abnegation (throwing oneself down) would be to do as the hermits are to do: drop what one is doing or thinking, and be hospitable. Of course, St. Colette of Corbie had so many visitors that her guardian and spiritual father told her she had to limit it to two hours per day--or her prayer time and quiet would otherwise be ruined, along with her health!

Frustration becomes a type of anger when one's will is up-ended by God's will. We have to to discern: whose will? Does the devil have a will? It seems so. Never thought about it much, but yes, it does seem that the devil has its own will, for it wills to do evil and tries to seduce others to do evil.

Many aspects of serving well (or serving zealously) can be factored. The suffering comes when there is not peace in the choices made and in living them out. Once one has accepted a turn of circumstances willed by God, even if for five minutes, then there can be peace, as one has made the conversion in God's will. One must be willing to drop all that had previously been so peaceful, for if God wills otherwise, then one must shuffle quickly.

Perhaps it isn't so much that we are asked by God to take on this or that which is cumbrous, such as this person being sensitive to relatives who desire more social time during her winter get-away, but rather of a turning-on-the-dime when the two or three hours take place, and to serve well.

Someone has awakened from a nap, and the suffering of lifting and interacting is amerliorated with the thoughts of Jesus' self-abnegation, of His choosing to deserve the suffering: to serve well, to serve zealously. He said that Mary of Bethany chose the better part, and that part was to focus in love, on Christ.

One must now, turn on the dime, and gather the little one, lift up, focus attention, and serve well. The suffering is not then a suffering, but a joy. It is a joy to serve well in the order of the present moment. The only other option is to fight it, to not serve well! That's where frustration enters.